February 12, 2010Reader seeks PowerPhrases to get food nazis to back off
Meryl,
Recently I attended a networking event in which I had to be firm yet polite about refusing to eat calorie laden food and drinks – that would most assuredly have pushed me off target from my goals. I was stunned by how pushy some people are. For example, here is one conversation.
Them: why aren’t you eating? You’re not eating? You should eat!
Me: thank you but I’m not hungry. I ate beforehand.
Them: What? Don’t you like the food here?
Me: the food here is delicious in fact it’s so delicious that my will power goes out the window and that’s why I purposely ate before coming
Them: Don’t tell me you’re watching your weight!
Me: I’m working hard to maintain my weight.
Them: You’re skinny you don’t have to. You should eat. Here I’ll get you something.
Me: Thank you for the offer and the compliment but the truth is, I’m working with my Doctor and I do actually have another 20 pounds to get off before I’m at my ideal weight.
Them: I can’t believe you’re going to pass this up. I’ll bring you a plate.
Me: Not only am I working with my Doctor but I’m also in a contest inspired by the Biggest Loser. If I win I’ll win $300 cash prize. I can count on your support to help me win right?
Them: Oh well you didn’t tell me there was money on the line. But you know what, one plate of appetizers won’t hurt. I’ll get you some.
Me: My will power isn’t as strong as yours. If you bring me the appetizers one plate would turn into two. It’s fun to see you again, but I’m starting to feel awkward about having to say “no thank you” so many times. Should I take off?
Them: Oh gosh, don’t over react. No, that’s fine if you want to be the token “healthy” person here at the table I suppose you’ll set a good example for the rest of us. Now, why you don’t at least have a glass of wine?
Me: Actually I’ll pass on the wine too, but I’d love to get a sparkling water.
Them: Red wine is good for you.
Me: Yes it is tasty and I’m a red-lover at heart but again – wine doesn’t help my will power around food. So I’ll pass, but I’d love that sparkling water!
It was a networking event. I work with these people. I didn’t want to refuse hospitality but I didn’t want to sabotage my diet either. I did get my water. I didn’t know what to say – I felt awkward and weird. I made small talk for a few minutes and then I ended up leaving the event early. I wanted to pause the conversation – text you – and then go back to the group. I got a phone call the next day from the lady saying “When you’re off your diet and can come have a good time let me know… Call me.”
How do I respond to that? I don’t know. But I’m not eager to call her.
Meryl responds:
One of my staff has a huge stomach ache today because she was invited to dinner and the couple served a food she can’t digest. Social graces need to be balanced with our bodily requirements. And of course, in your case, there is little grace on the other side, so you are being pushed to be stronger than you might care to be.
Now that we know how pushy some people can be, we can go back over the conversation and see where you went wrong. Not that anything you said would have been “going wrong” with people who respect others’ choices. But where did you give this overbearing woman a hook? I’d make the main approach kind of an aikido move like in my post about how my friend handled advice on Facebook.
I’d say that was when you mentioned that you ate before you came. That would have gotten my curiosity and had me wanting to know more, although I wouldn’t have been so pushy!
I suggest in the future you simply say,
- No thanks, I’m not hungry.
If they ask why not, you can say something like
- I’m still full from the last time I ate.
If they continue, adopt a curious attitude. Ask questions from a perspective of inquiry. Things like,
- Does it make you uncomfortable for me not to eat?
- Do you not believe that I know what I want?
- Are you trying to pressure me into eating food I don’t want?
- Why does it seem important to you that I eat?
Be prepared with phrases like,
- I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got it handled.
- I’d much rather chat with you about your kids than what I am or am not eating.
As far as the comment about getting together when you can eat and have fun, I suggest you say,
- I can have fun right now, but if I need to be eating for you to enjoy my company, I’ll let you know when I’m off my diet.
Although if you don’t mention you diet, the subject won’t come up.
One last thing. I might try simply saying,
- That sounds like something my mother would say. Does yours push food on you too?
14 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
| TrackBack URI
You can also bookmark
this on del.icio.us or check the cosmos
Meryl’s replies are much better, but sometimes when I am losing my patience and don’t mind showing a bit of an edge I simply say “asked and answered” The subject typically changes.
Comment by Leland R. Beaumont — February 17, 2010 @ 1:59 pm
Meryl, I LOVE your advice on this one. The curious attitude concept is great. I especially like the last line about “something my mother would say.” Wow. Listening to that comment as the one RECEIVING it made me stop in my tracks.
In a similar situation, I was not nearly so adroit. My reply to all inquiries was, “thanks, but I’m having some tests run tomorrow, so I can’t.” That did engender one or two inquiries re: the tests, but very few.
Comment by Kelly Graham — February 17, 2010 @ 2:04 pm
I too like your suggestion about the curiosity approach. Thanks for sharing the topic. This will come in handy especially during the holidays.
Comment by M. Anderson — February 17, 2010 @ 2:08 pm
Yours works for me, Lee. There is a point where the best approach is to just cut it off. Sometimes any engagement feels like an invitation to continue. I still like to acknowledge – say something like, “I believe you mean well, and I’ve already responded.”
Comment by merylrunion — February 17, 2010 @ 2:13 pm
I believe that the pusher (be it food or whatever) is the one with the issue and we should be compassionate about that (without giving in). We suspect sabotage, control, as well as love (desire to nuture), but isn’t it really a need being expressed? Like the palindrome posted. O you should have some (love me). Or more basic, I put this in you, fill me. What I do is respond to that unspoken plea … and I just hold out my arms and invite a hug. I don’t have food pushers in my life, but I have people that want me to stay when i want to go, etc. And to tell you the truth, it can be awkward to hug so I just pat. The person who needed the human touch will melt, sometimes cry. You just never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. This sounds very PollyAnna and I apologise! I’m no saint. I do like the idea of the care package because there are plenty of people whom a little extra may be all they have.
Comment by Susan — February 17, 2010 @ 11:30 pm
Susan, I LOVE your words. You are so right – we never know what’s going on. It had occurred to me that the pusher had an issue but I hadn’t taken it beyond that.
Your suggestion reminds me of why I like to be graceful in my assertiveness as a standard. You just never know what motivates others. Sometimes it’s power, often it’s pain, and it can be both.
Comment by merylrunion — February 18, 2010 @ 7:50 am
Meryl’s replies are brillliant–like the comments I wished I’d have made–but came to me twenty minutes into my commute home.
It’s possible men wouldn’t have been so badgered like this–since I’m guessing the people pressing the food issue were likely women.
I have expereinced simialr presuure from men about drinking. The game here is ‘Drink with me.’ The basic premise is the aker really wants to drink, but needs you to drink too to enable him to drink too. Crazy–dull witted–man logic.
Still, for the ‘foody’ female person, I’d have killed any further control issues by saying, “If it’s not pork rinds or beer, it’s not food.”
What does work for me in these situations is the tactic of ‘diminishing response’. The object is to become so boring that the subject changes or it moves onto something else.
I’d start with the pork rinds thing. If THAT didn’t kill the topic, I’d say someething along the lines of “Thanks, not hungry.” If it persisted, “Thanks. No.” If it persisted, I’d say something like, “No.” If it persisted, I’d stop talking and merely look puzzled.
A parting shot like, “When you’re off your diet and can come have a good time let me know… Call me.” would be met with, “But really, I AM having a good time.”
The key here, I think, is to move on physically after a few responses from someone trying to force their norm on you. I mean to respond politely a few times–maybe three–and then move away, break contact, withdraw your attention. At best, grab a plate and napkin, but move away from the table so people aren’t hovering over ou asking why YOU aren’t stuffing your face.
Not a perfect phrase, I’d admit, but breaking contact with people you don’t want to talk to does keep you in control of your diet and your respect.
Comment by Wavo — February 20, 2010 @ 2:52 am
I guess this kind of pressure is pervasive. I went to a Pampered Chef party last night, and the rep specifically told people that if we didn’t eat, it would hurt her feelings. I was planning to have something anyway when she said it to me, but it certainly was manipulative.
Interesting about the male female differences, Wavo. It sounds like we all manipulate – but abut different things.
Comment by merylrunion — February 20, 2010 @ 4:05 am
My favorite definition of “manipulation” is: anything you do before gaining trust. Clearly the pushy person is being manipulative here, but so are many of the suggested responses. The “Curious attitude” replies, while clever and effective are actually manipulative unless you are genuinely curious about the topics you are asking about. It can quickly become a dominance contest of manipulation judo. Considering all this discussion I suggest this response: “I have already responded to you, I am fine and choose not to eat more here. Is there something else you need or can we move on?”
Comment by Leland R. Beaumont — February 20, 2010 @ 7:51 am
I agree Lee, that the curious approach can be manipulative if there is no genuine curiosity. When pressured, there is an automatic reflex to resist or comply, and that can keep us from tapping into other responses that are genuine – just overshadowed by the dynamic. I actually am curious why someone would push food on me once I’ve declined, but I might not think to question under pressure unless I previously prepared to respond that way. Often when I review my responses retroactively, I uncover curiosity that I missed during the encounter.
When I plan phrases, I never go for dominance. I always look to sidestep or redirect the dominance game. Beyond that, I also want to be able to enjoy interacting with people whom I enjoy when we’re not in some kind of power dynamic. That was my purpose with the curiosity approach. Sometimes I suggest stating how the pressure leaves us feeling, but in this case, her noting that she was feeling awkward was dismissed as well, so I didn’t suggest that.
I’m moving away from being quite so literal in “say what you mean and mean what you say” into a subtler dynamic that has more license to say things that are intended to create good will. They may be less technically honest and also less in-your-face honest, but they have an honest intent. You mention gaining trust. To the extent that I am able to walk my talk, people in my life trust that I will protect their hearts and their humanity. They also trust that I will protect our relationships and myself by addressing issues with the intent of honoring the wholeness of our interactions. Sometimes I am less direct than I might be. My measure of manipulation is whether my agenda is clarity and connection, and whether I could explain my word choices under examination and feel I had acted in integrity.
I do like your suggestions and see a place for them. In seminars I talk about the broken record technique where we calmly repeat our assertions as if we’re stating them for the first time. It can be very effective. I just want to be sure that clarity is mixed with grace, even when speaking with people who themselves lack grace.
The same responses can be manipulative or graceful, depending on whether we ourselves speak in reaction or in compliance or if we are sincerely seeking to break out of a power dynamic into pure relating.
Comment by merylrunion — February 20, 2010 @ 9:09 am
I get this alot. I have narcolepsy and can respond “I have a sleep disorder and if I don’t watch what I eat/drink, I will be snoozing on the floor”. Works every time. Sometimes they then ask about narcolepsy, which I feel fine discussing there needs to be more awareness. Someone could just say they are on a diet for medical purposes and them have a backup plan in case they are asked about it.
Comment by sarahp — February 24, 2010 @ 11:38 am
Well, it’s probably been covered, but I can’t resist adding that I will usually find myself feeling resentful if I feel as if I have to make up a story or a line to deflect whatever. A truthful phrase/question that has served me well in lots of different situations is “Do I look like someone who doesn’t know her own mind?” I decidedly do NOT look like someone who doesn’t know her own mind, and when delivered with arms akimbo, a tilted head, raised eyebrows, and a teasing smile, it usually brings an outright laugh from the other person. The tension is broken and I don’t usually have any more unsolicited advice or coercion from then on. But I did love Meryl’s ideas for when I am caught off guard and trying not to react too strongly.
Comment by Kathleen — February 25, 2010 @ 9:47 pm
This brings to mind a cultural difference I experienced as
a child. I have relatives in Spain and was 10 years old when
we visited them. They were pushing red wine on me and my sister and we weren’t used to it, so we declined. My 15 year old cousin informed me that “it was considered rude in Spain to decline food when offered” to which I replied “In the US it’s considered rude to insist if a person declines.” I don’t think a Miss Manners answer might put the food Nazis off, but perhaps we could make a comment such as: Thank you, but I’ve all ready said NO.
Comment by Phoebe — March 4, 2010 @ 9:03 am
Very interesting point about the cultural differences. That could be the angle to discuss it. Something like, “I understand it’s a sign of friendship here to accept offers of food. Where I come from, it’s a sign of respect to honor someone when they decline an offer. I appreciate your offer and ask you to honor my decision not to eat.”
Comment by merylrunion — March 4, 2010 @ 4:50 pm