March 30, 2010Isolation in Iceland led to a man of few words and great depth. My dad.
I posted previously that my father loves my latest book and that it inspired him to talk more. When I was growing up, he was a man of few words. Look at the picture of where he grew up, and it’s easy to understand why.
My father's farm in Iceland
This picture was taken recently. In his young years, there were far fewer buildings. Visitor were rare, and when someone did come, my father was so frightened he would hide.
We’re all products of our histories in one way or another.
Well, my father’s history may not have taught him a lot about communication, but it did turn him in to a man of great depth.
March 30, 2010PowerPhrase: Who are you doing this for?
I recommended changes for a client who simply wanted what I have always done. My client made it clear to me that it was time for me to stop promoting the new approach by saying,
- Who are you doing this for?
Things can get turned around when we do favors or give gifts and otherwise try to give people what we think they need or should want, when they want something else. It is appropriate to suggest what we think is best based on our expertise, but we also need to remember who we’re doing it for.
March 29, 2010Success story – employee cared enough to point out problems
In a recent seminar I shared a story about how a manager addressed an issue with her aggressive boss. A participant told me she knew someone who had been on the receiving end of a conversation like that. She told us her friend’s response was deep gratitude. She said, “No one ever cared enough about me to tell me I was being intimidating before.”
You know you’ve spoken skillfully when that happens.
March 29, 2010Reader question about how to gracefully decline a Friend Request
Meryl,
Is there a way to say no to someone’s friend request on Facebook without being mean when you say it? I received such a request from a former co-worker who I have not seen or spoken to in over a decade. We were not close friends when we worked together and while our professional relationship was cordial, she was not someone who I would choose to spend time with outside of work. I would like to be honest but not hurtful in saying no, thank you.
Response:
We all use these things differently. Some of us friend everyone – others our most intimate circle. Facebook lets you ignore requests (which sounds gentler than declining) and those who send out lots of requests might not even notice when you do that. However, you can explain how you use it. I’d say,
- It was nice to receive your friend request. I use Facebook selectively for family and close personal friends. Instead of friending on Facebook, let’s check in from time to time via email.
Then move on to a few conversational points that do seem appropriate to the relationship you had and are willing to have with her. Something like, are you still working at xyz? Can you believe how much the industry has changed in this economy?
Readers? What do you think?
March 29, 2010Poison Phrase; I know because I’m an expert.
One of Matchmaker Patty’s clients asked how she knew what kind of man she should be dating. Patty looked a bit put out at having been asked and said,
- I know because I’m an expert. I’ve been doing this for years.
Jack, the protagonist in the business fable Getting Naked justified his recommendation that the clients not expand their business by saying,
- I know, because I’m an expert. I’ve been doing this for years.
I read an article by a man whose therapist refused to hear his concerns about his approach by saying,
- I’m right because I’m a doctor. And no one else has complained. And I’ve been doing this for years.
It’s rankism, and pulling rank is an abuse of power. The people in these stories wanted to understand, and instead they were invalidated.
Carl Jung comments, “An analyst who cannot risk his authority will be sure to lose it.” That’s true of a matchmaker and a doctor and a communication author.
How do I know that?
I know they lose their authority with me. Others have shared similar ideas. If you see it differently, I’d love to chat about it.
March 29, 2010Not your average tear jerkers. Why “Getting Naked” business fable “Undercover Boss” show made me cry.
I’m not a fan of business fables generally, but I enjoyed Patrick Lencioni’s “Getting Naked” tale about a business consultant who learned how to drop the act and become transparent. What struck me most was how the protagonist Jack stopped himself from making a formal presentation to explain why a kinder, gentler approach is more effective, and instead launched into giving his audience the experience of a transparent approach. He dropped the act and made his case authentically and personally, demonstrating instead of talking. He addressed his group personally, where they lived. And they were moved.
When Jack was offered the perfect job to practice his approach, I cried a few tears of joy.
Later I watched the show “The Undercover Boss.” Everyone gets some pleasure out of seeing someone low on the org chart telling the CEO how to do things, even if they think the CEO is a new entry-level employee. But the most enjoyable part of the show was watching people doing their jobs with pride and accuracy and having great attitudes despite hardships.
So I cried again, just a little when these good people were granted boons to make their lives fuller.
These aren’t your usual tearjerkers. But there is something quite wonderful about seeing the workplace personalized. There’s something quite wonderful about seeing the hard lines that separate people dissolve. Whether it’s a consultant who stops being afraid to ask a dumb question and is willing to expose his confusion and admit his mistakes, or a CEO who discovers for the first time what it’s like for the people he employs, it touches the heart. Or at least it touched mine.
March 29, 2010@danmulhern: significant stats on men, women and work
Dan Mulhern posted the following today about the new demographics in the workplace.
“The gender shifts are massive. The number of women who earn more than their husbands has gone from 1 in 25 (1970) to 1 in 4 (2007). And in the same time, we went from husbands having more degrees than their wives on a 3:2 ratio, to the opposite, 3 wives with more education for every 2 husbands who out-learned their wives.* Of course, educational attainment ties directly to employment status and income, which partly explains why 60% of the job loss in this recession has fallen on men (during one stretch it was 80%).”
What struck me most was when he wrote,
“It’s astounding but in a generation and a half we have gone from girls being told not to look smarter than the boys, to some boys telling other boys that being an honors student is a girl-thing.”
There are new trends in business communication today as a result of these changing demographics. As women become predominant in the workplace, the style of communication that is more innate to women is becoming increasingly essential to success. The 1980′s called for a bold assertiveness. The new dynamics of communication call for a graceful assertiveness.
And the smartest people in the room are smart enough to know how to communicate with people at all levels of intelligence. That would be regardless of gender.
March 28, 2010Poison Phrase: If working with me is so fun, why are you billing?
My free-lance designer sent me an invoice with a note saying my projects are his favorite. I was tempted to tease him by saying,
- If working with me is so fun, why are you billing?
I refrained. Even though my intent would have been playful, it sends the wrong message. I responded instead by telling him how glad I am that he likes my projects, because my creative style is a challenge for many designers. It’s true – I love his willingness to design with very little to start with, and his flexibility when I go down very different paths than we started down. His note was gracious, and in the end, I prefer responding with grace as well.
March 26, 2010PowerPhrase: technology stepped on your punchline
I knew George was making a joke when the phone connection broke up for a moment. So I explained I had missed it by saying;
- Technology stepped on your punchline.
That side-stepped the awkwardness of a missed joke.
March 15, 2010Luann comic dialogue: generational brash and boldness or honesty?
Is it generational brash and boldness or honesty? I showed a recent Luann comic strip to seminar participants and the opinions were as diverse as the people in the room.
In the Luann episode, Toni meets Brad’s mom Nancy to shop and bond. When Toni shows up late with an apology and an explanation of how heavy the traffic was, Brad’s mom notes that traffic is always heavy that time of day. Toni comments,
“Right. I should have started earlier. Deduct a point for tardiness.”
Nancy states that it isn’t some kind of test, but Toni mentally reflects that it is.
Is Toni’s comment about points generational brash and boldness, or honesty? Is Nancy’s response about it being a test generational inauthenticity, gracefulness or honesty?
In my intergenerational training, we address these questions when intergenerational miscommunication arises. What seems like a simple observation to some can sound like a hideous affront to others.
The first step to resolution is to recognize these differences and not assume our interpretation of the facts is the accurate one.
The second step is to acknowledge the other person’s perspective to the best of our ability. Toni could say,
- Mrs. Degroot, if I were in your shoes, I would want to know my son’s girlfriend was worthy of him.
Nancy could say,
- Toni, this isn’t a test, and I apologize if I’m making it seem like one. I’m protective of my son and having trouble letting go.
The third step would be for both parties to continue to address the shared awkwardness without negating the other’s position.
How would you have them respond to each other?
