March 1, 2010Reader question: “Let’s not be friends with her anymore.”
This sounds like kids talking, but adults create relationship triangles too. I recently got a letter from a woman who lost two friends who decided not to be friends with her anymore due to untrue rumors.
“Meryl,
I had a situation where a friend got very upset with me from a rumor. In the aftermath of this “blow up” the two ladies I considered my closest friends have dropped me from their calls, emails, text and day to day contact that was our normal way of life. Neither will talk to me about it. I feel devastated.
I am going to be at a function this weekend that both of these people will also attend. How can I address it?”
Response:
Say,
- I miss you both terribly and wish we could heal the rift between us. The door is open on my side. In the meantime, I hope we can have some pleasant exchanges this evening.
I’ve had people suddenly disappear from my life as well. I consider it passive-aggressive behavior. Remembering that helps me detach from reacting. The best response is graceful assertiveness. You can’t force people to show up for you. But you can keep the door open and stay graceful yourself.
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What type of rumor are we talking about here? I’d set the
record straight with my friends first. Then, if they still
drop my friendship, they weren’t good friends with me to
begin with and I’d need new ones. I think I’d also have to
realize that if there is truth to this “rumor” and the behavior is socially unacceptable, I’d have to face the consequences.
Comment by Phoebe — March 4, 2010 @ 9:10 am
They weren’t returning her messages. That made it impossible for her to clear the rumor up. But to me, when someone shuts down like that, it says a lot! It’s sad to be excluded that way, and sadder to know that our friends would do that without giving us a chance to clear or for closure.
Comment by merylrunion — March 4, 2010 @ 4:48 pm