March 29, 2010Poison Phrase; I know because I’m an expert.
One of Matchmaker Patty’s clients asked how she knew what kind of man she should be dating. Patty looked a bit put out at having been asked and said,
- I know because I’m an expert. I’ve been doing this for years.
Jack, the protagonist in the business fable Getting Naked justified his recommendation that the clients not expand their business by saying,
- I know, because I’m an expert. I’ve been doing this for years.
I read an article by a man whose therapist refused to hear his concerns about his approach by saying,
- I’m right because I’m a doctor. And no one else has complained. And I’ve been doing this for years.
It’s rankism, and pulling rank is an abuse of power. The people in these stories wanted to understand, and instead they were invalidated.
Carl Jung comments, “An analyst who cannot risk his authority will be sure to lose it.” That’s true of a matchmaker and a doctor and a communication author.
How do I know that?
I know they lose their authority with me. Others have shared similar ideas. If you see it differently, I’d love to chat about it.
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I once took my child to a doctor who literally said, in regard to a rash, “I know it’s not scabies but it’s the only thing left I know to treat.” He proceeded to prescribe an insecticide to rub all over my little 2-year-old’s body. That was when I decided, as a young mother, that other people do not necessarily know better than I do regardless of their education or other qualifications. I also decided that I was going to take my child to the doctor I preferred from then on regardless of them not being a “preferred provider” with my insurance company and proceeded to notify my insurance company exactly what I thought of their “preferred provider.”
Take charge and don’t let others steamroll over you just because they “know better.” People who truly know better can justify their decisions with logic and facts. People who don’t really know better use phrases such as the ones described above, in which they substitute a defensive statement of their qualifications, experience, or education for a logical argument. Watch out for these phrases everywhere you go… they can literally be poison when it comes to your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
How about a comeback to these poison phrases that forces the “experienced/educated/qualified” person to give you a logical argument? Maybe “And in your experience, how exactly does this approach solve the problem?” or in the matchmaker case, “And with your expertise, exactly what is it about me that makes you believe this is the right kind of man for me?”
Comment by Grace — April 1, 2010 @ 9:22 am
OMG, Grace, what excellent insights you have! Your comment is a great source of both poison phrases (stunning the Doc said that – most would just think it) and PowerPhrases. (Your recommended phrases.)
Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom.
Comment by merylrunion — April 1, 2010 @ 11:59 am
Thank you, Meryl, and thank you so much for your newsletter. It really stimulates me to think in ways I might not without it – in this case, thinking of PowerPhrases as comebacks instead of just getting mad.
Comment by Grace — April 2, 2010 @ 8:19 am
Grace, you earn your name. Your comeback expand the dialogue, not score points at another’s expense.
Comment by merylrunion — April 4, 2010 @ 1:24 pm
Grace, I agree that your posts are great inspiration to read. It’s funny that just last weekend a song on the radio prompted me to tell my two teens about a movie that inspired me in my teen years. Specifically, I shared a particular line that has relevance to Grace’s doctor story. The line, from the 1985 movie “Mask”, was delivered in the opening minutes of the movie by Cher in one of her earliest roles:
“First you told me he was gonna be retarded, then you told me he was gonna be blind AND deaf. If I’d dug his grave every time one of you geniuses told me he was gonna die, I’d be eating f****** chop suey in China by now!”
I think this is the most common poison phrase I have ever come up against. The sad thing is, as a guitar teacher, I often find myself thinking (and occasionally saying) this with certain students. This happens when I allow my patience to run out. And about half the time I let myself think this way, I end up being wrong…
Comment by Ken Rhodes — April 9, 2010 @ 1:20 pm