March 29, 2010Reader question about how to gracefully decline a Friend Request
Meryl,
Is there a way to say no to someone’s friend request on Facebook without being mean when you say it? I received such a request from a former co-worker who I have not seen or spoken to in over a decade. We were not close friends when we worked together and while our professional relationship was cordial, she was not someone who I would choose to spend time with outside of work. I would like to be honest but not hurtful in saying no, thank you.
Response:
We all use these things differently. Some of us friend everyone – others our most intimate circle. Facebook lets you ignore requests (which sounds gentler than declining) and those who send out lots of requests might not even notice when you do that. However, you can explain how you use it. I’d say,
- It was nice to receive your friend request. I use Facebook selectively for family and close personal friends. Instead of friending on Facebook, let’s check in from time to time via email.
Then move on to a few conversational points that do seem appropriate to the relationship you had and are willing to have with her. Something like, are you still working at xyz? Can you believe how much the industry has changed in this economy?
Readers? What do you think?
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It was nice to receive your friend request. I use Facebook selectively for family and close personal friends. Instead of friending on Facebook, but I would be happy if you could joined my Linked-in network.
If it is a old co-worker and you would be willing to network from a career site, there are sites specifcially for that. It keeps personal personal (ie. Facebook) and work work ie. Linked in.
Comment by Mary — March 31, 2010 @ 8:29 am
I would skip the accept or decline part and just go straight to email. That creates a bit of distance when you want it, or conversely allows for more intimacy when you want it.
Comment by Kathleen — March 31, 2010 @ 7:58 pm
Because I’m a public person,I usually accept their request to be their friend, wait a few weeks and delete them. If they’re not in any relationship with you, they don’t notice. You can also set your Wall setting to not show their posts.
Comment by Shirley Good — March 31, 2010 @ 8:07 pm
I have a hard time with the idea of just deleting them after a while – most people may not notice but I just can’t see myself accepting someone’s request with the intention already in my mind of deleting them. It’s… deceptive. I absolutely love the responses by Meryl and in the first comment by Mary. Polite, to the point, and above all, graceful ways to decline without being hurtful.
I also would not be sure I would want to give them my email address, as my inbox gets too full with the email I want to receive. If you’re really not interested, I think it’s better to be gracefully up front about it. The solution offered by Mary gets top marks for that because this person still has a way to contact you, but makes it clear that you prefer a non-personal relationship as well as putting an immediate halt to communication by someone who is just competing for the largest number of “friends” on their page.
Comment by Grace — April 1, 2010 @ 8:56 am
Grace, I was comfortable with Shirley’s suggestion and hadn’t thought about the point you made – it IS deceptive. I always prefer a straightforward approach whenever it can be done without inflicting undue pain. And I tend to find that if I haven’t found a gracious and straightforward way to handle things, I haven’t explored long enough.
Shirley’s point about being a public person is well taken. People who don’t have a public persona might not know what it’s like for people who do. It’s like when people with a lot of time on their hands don’t know how busy some folks get and why it might take a few days to return a call. So there can be a need to cut corners we otherwise might not… but I always vote for transparent when possible. Thanks for pointing out the higher road here.
Comment by merylrunion — April 1, 2010 @ 11:56 am
Mary, excellent strategy suggestion about Linked in. Thanks!
Comment by merylrunion — April 1, 2010 @ 12:00 pm
In such situations, I prefer to hit ignore and correspond via phone/ e-mail/ etc as usual. When the shoe is on the other foot, by far, I prefer to have someone ignore my invite instead of connecting because they feel obligated. A written explanation doesn’t seem warranted in these scenarios. It would be much more awkward to recieve a note clarifying that someone has rejected my invitation to connect as friends, far more graceful if they’d just let it go (clarifying honestly if asked, of course). Besides, some may connect just to avoid writing a carefully-worded justification. I’d prefer they just let it go.
The person sending the invite doesn’t get a message confirming they’ve been ignored (meanwhile it clears from receipient’s alerts) and may simply assume recipient doesn’t use facebook much or prefers not to connect in this way. In my circle, most have invited many people at once using address books/ searches, added some FB-suggested people over time, and aren’t very sensitive about who does/ doesn’t want to communicate through that forum- an invite provides an opportunity, not a demand.
Comment by k — April 22, 2010 @ 2:36 pm
K – I agree with you if it is from someone distant. If it is someone I interact with, ignoring can leave a sense of incompletion or seem dismissive. In that case I would mention it and explain and I prefer others do likewise. So we’re all different!
Comment by merylrunion — April 22, 2010 @ 3:49 pm
A friend told me there is a box you should uncheck when signing up for Facebook, otherwise it automatically reads your address book and sends a friend request to everyone in it. Not sure if it’s true, but that would certainly explain some of the ones I’ve received.
Comment by Andi — May 18, 2010 @ 2:35 pm