April 4, 2010Graceful ways to interrupt: interruption do’s and don’ts

Meryl,

For years I’ve worked with primarily men in a world in which I had to interrupt to be heard — women were just invisible and our ideas were often stolen by more outspoken men.

I’m in academia now, and don’t know how to take turns in a conversation in an appropriate way.

Meryl Responds:

Great question! I just wrote about how many women spend years developing the skills to thrive in a competitive male environment and have a challenge adopting to a more collaborative style, even though collaborative styles are more generally associated with women. I will say though - I’ve experienced plenty of dominant competitive communication in academia – and plenty of need to interrupt – or be lectured to instead of conversed with. So don’t ever lose the ability and willingness to interrupt when necessary! There are many people who consider it too rude to interrupt even when they lost the floor because someone interrupted them.

It would be nice if there were absolute rules about when to come in to a conversation, but there aren’t. On conference calls, groups often have guidelines about waiting for a pause to speak because of technological limitations. But that’s a unique setting where there is agreement. Without that, each culture has different standards. Italians just don’t handle interruptions like my Icelandic forefathers did.

I write about changing habits in my SpeakStong book. I talk about starting by doing things differently without trying to get anything “right,” just different.

Just for a day, take it a bit too far in the other direction and wait until someone pauses completely to speak. That activity will help break the habit and return you to choice. (I broke the compulsive “yes” habit by going for six months without ever saying yes to anything as an immediate response.) You can also observe when others come in during that day.

Then I suggest a day where you only use body language to interrupt rather than talk over someone. Signal you want to speak but wait to be invited. Note how long it takes for people to yield the floor. That will give some indication of what they think is appropriate – although ultimately other people’s ideas won’t dictate yours.

If there is someone you trust to give you feedback, ask them to work with you on this. I did it with a friend. She was so domineering that I wasn’t enjoying our friendship. I let her know how her interruptions affected me and we agreed that I would tell her any time she seemed overbearing or domineering to me. I’d say, “Mary, you’re doing it again.” We had agreed this would be the signal. She appreciated the feedback, and I was able to enjoy her company. Perhaps there is someone who can do this for you.

By the way, another reader posted a comment this week about people talking over her and considering her aggressive.

Let me know if this is useful for you, and how it goes. I think once you lose the old habit, this will be much nicer.