April 26, 2010Poison Phrase: I want you to…
I heard other trainers use the phrase,
- I want you to
a lot, and I started to use it too. Phrases like,
-I want you to try this with your boss.
It has a certain power to it. I never had anyone complain, but it never felt quite right to me.
In my research for the leader development book I’m writing, I came across a site that says to stay away from that phrase because it is disempowering and authoritarian. It sends a message that I’m one up and the other is one down. Truthfully, there are some attendees at seminars who like that. They want a mommy or daddy to tell them what to do. Most deserve more credit, and even those who like thinking the speaker as it all figured out and is imparting the answers from on high are better off with one who gives them information and recommendations and let them decide what THEY want to do. There’s a new dynamic of communication, and we’re not talking to each other like children anymore.
And we’re trading power for influence. Such a deal!
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I’ve become very interested in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), which investigates different methods of communication. Instead of using direct commands, which can arouse resistance and rebellion in other people, NLP practitioners use suggestions to guide people towards a particular outcome. For example, instead of ‘I want you to try this with your boss’, they would say something like, ‘You may wish to try this with you boss’. This leaves the trainee feeling in control, whilst still giving them a strong directive to take action.
Comment by Anita — April 27, 2010 @ 3:10 am
Good point, Anita!
NLP and hypnosis deal directly with the subconscious and so they are very deliberate about wording. And they are healing modalities, so they seek the best interests of the listener.
Marketing also deals directly with the subconscious and is often not so benign.
Training is another story. Phrases can “work” by subtly undermining the power of the listener or by empowering them. I found the “I want you to” phrase would work in the sense that it got people to take action I wanted. Sometimes the action probably was for their well being. But even if I was directing them to a good thing, I can’t justify doing it in a way that is subtly manipulative and disempowering.
I agree, NLP is a great place to learn subtle language distinctions. Your suggestions are good. Even simply saying “try this with your boss” is less intrusive because it doesn’t imply that they should do it because I want them to.
Comment by merylrunion — April 27, 2010 @ 9:03 am
Good points Meryl and Anita! This reminds me of one of Meryl’s new communication dynamics that talks about creating an environment of democratic/synergistic communication where we are all on a sort of team together, communicating together. I know I’m creating a bit of intrigue here, and we’ll have to stay tuned to learn more….but yes! I agree that strong, well thought out suggestions are more powerful than commands.
Comment by Ash — May 1, 2010 @ 1:52 pm