May 19, 2010Reader questions how to address ungrateful young subordinate
Meryl,
I saved my secretary’s job, get her time off, and generally look out for her, but have yet to receive a thank-you. I find this hard to deal with. I grew up in a generation by parents who expected you to show respect for those in authority positions. How can I deal with her ungraciousness?
Reply,
I’d ask her about it. Not from the platform of authority, but individuals. Don’t pull rank, but do be human. Say something like,
- I was happy to stand up for your job, and am happy to help you in other ways. But I’m curious why you don’t say thank-you. It takes some of the fun out of it for me, and also makes me wonder if you appreciate what I do or not. Do you have an issue with me that keeps you from acknowledging me? Is there something we need to discuss here?
Think of yourselves as being on a team together and this as the kind of discussion team members have.
Does this help? What do you think?
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I think there are three possibilities here that I would consider before approaching this person with the assumption she’s an ungracious person. First, does she know what you have done for her – did she realize her job was on the line and you fought for her or that her time off requests were not granted simply as per company policy? Secondly, did she specifically ask you for help – some people are made uncomfortable by people who create obligations by doing unasked for favors. (Yes, even saving her job may not have been in her best interest, if you didn’t know for sure she wanted it saved.) And third, does she show a lack of gratitude in her actions, facial expressions, and body language, or is it simply a lack of verbal thanks? Some people simply have trouble expressing gratitude, whether because of shyness or embarassment or other possible reasons.
Having considered these possibilities, I would avoid putting the issue on the person I am addressing. Instead of asking, “Do you have an issue with me?” I would phrase it more like, “I thought I was doing something you wanted me to do… was I wrong?” (Something I believe I learned from Meryl Runion…
Comment by Grace — May 26, 2010 @ 9:15 pm
Grace, I love your PowerPhrase. You took my approach to another level of subtlety.
I took out the authority assumptions and didn’t give phrases from the angle of her being an ungracious person. But I did personalize the issue and like the way you redirected it focus from doer to the deed.
And in a closing final act of grace, you credit me for your brilliant PowerPhrase. I am delighted to have you in the community.
Comment by merylrunion — June 3, 2010 @ 7:01 am
This is an interesting one for me – I very much appreciate Grace’s comments. In life in general, we tend to do things “for others” to make ourselves feel better rather than because our assistance is needed. I have another way to look at it (and I am not expecting that all others agree with this): as a manager, it is my job to look out for my employees, to fight for them with higher managemen, and to mentor and, when needed, take corrective action. The stronger they are, the more connected they are to their jobs, and the more fairly they are treated, the stronger and more effective our organization is. While a verbal “thank you” is nice and appreciated, the real “thanks” to me is when they are doing their jobs well and communicating honestly with me – good stuff and bad. It is their way of telling me they trust me, and that is what I want.
Comment by Maggie — June 11, 2010 @ 8:55 am
Maggie, I SOOOOO agree with that! It’s really rewarding when people take what we give them and fly.
I remember several times when my son came to a conclusion I had suggested long after I mentioned it and spoke as if it was his own idea. He has a career based on work he did for me. He has acknowledged the start I gave a few times, but like you, the biggest thank-you is watching him succeed in a career he loves.
I do think we all like being appreciated, there is no reward like seeing people use what we give them.
Comment by merylrunion — June 11, 2010 @ 12:37 pm
I both agree and disagree with Maggie. Yes, Meryl and Maggie, it is a great reward seeing people use what we give them. I very much enjoy running into my former students and congratulating them on their graduations and progress in life. I especially appreciate it when they mention to me things that they learned from their time in my English Composition class. (Actually, if they mention remembering anything from class, I am thrilled!)
However, the larger life lesson is that we get what we give. Anyone, employee, friend, relative, acquaintance or even a stranger, who goes through life mindlessly, carelessly and thoughtlessly accepting them while failing to even acknowledge the many kindnesses that they receive will soon find that they receive fewer and fewer favors and kindnesses. In fact, they can end up receiving hostility and resentment instead because not everyone takes all their satisfaction from their success without any other appreciation.
A little appreciation goes a long way, and that is a lesson that too many people never did learn. It would be a kindness to help and employee learn that saying “thank you” isn’t optional, particularly not in the business world. If you alienate all your friends and family, well, that can be unpleasant. But if you alienate your workplace colleagues and bosses by never showing appreciation, that isn’t going to lead to long-term happy employment. It could even lead to long-term UNemployment, as good references become scarce.
Comment by SLCCOM — June 11, 2010 @ 11:02 pm
SLCCOM raises a good point, and those who do not learn to express their thanks will be severely handicapped in life. However, having been in management the majority of my career, I wholeheartedly agree with Maggie. She expressed in words a principle I applied but never really spelled out. I would bend over backward for a hardworking, loyal employee and my reward was their continued hard work and loyalty.
It does work both ways, too. If you as a manager have not created a culture of gratitude, how can you expect your employees to be grateful? In my business, managers are constantly reminded that a simple “thank you” to employees for a job well done is the best bonus you can give. Please and thank you language becomes pervasive when management uses it all the time.
Comment by Grace — June 12, 2010 @ 8:20 am
I LOVE this dialogue, because it reveals how many considerations there are to balance in every communication. I’m not hedging when I say I agree with everyone. And that we need to make our best guess at any moment which value to prioritize.
I think the main thing we owe each other is an honest response. For example, I’ve had friends that I gave freely to for quite a while, but eventually it stopped being fun, because the response I got exuded a sense of entitlement to me. I had a number of choices. I could just stop giving, or I could let them know that it wasn’t fun for me to give to them anymore because they didn’t seem to appreciate it, or I could decide that my enjoyment of giving didn’t have to depend on how they respond. But if I am bothered by someone’s non-response and I pretend I’m not, I’ve sold both the other person and our relationship short.
In one case, (I’m not exaggerating here) the person I contributed so much to made it clear that he considered it an honor to let me serve him. Well… let’s just say I’m glad we cleared that one up!
Comment by merylrunion — June 13, 2010 @ 2:03 pm
You really hit a sensitive spot with me with this blog. I had a situation where the GM asked me to do something and keep him informed of the progress. I emailed him my progress every other day for 2 wks. I finished my part of the assignment and only needed to wait for another department to implement my suggestion and hand me a copy of it. This he knew. That other depart. didn’t wasn’t quick enough. The GM emailed me, “My expectation was that this simple task would have been completed by now. Please make sure this is completed during the upcoming week.”
I thought that was ungracious and lacked integrity. What do you think? (I have since emailed him the copies.)
jamivers
Comment by Monica St. Vincent — June 16, 2010 @ 12:05 pm
Jamivers, I like practicing proactive forgiveness and offering the benefit of the doubt when there is room for that. (Sometimes there is no room for doubt.) Plus I like to align with others, even when they come across as adversarial. So in this case, I might reply with something like,
* I had expected this simple task to be completed by now as well. Your email confuses me since I completed my part of the assignment (when.) Since I updated you as this proceeded, I was surprised to receive what seemed like a reprimand. Please let me know how I might have handled this differently. I’d like for us to work collaboratively in the future so you won’t feel disappointed and I won’t feel blindsided by a reprimand when I believe I am handling things appropriately.
How does that sound?
Comment by merylrunion — June 16, 2010 @ 12:29 pm
Bravo. You have a wonderful way with words. I sent a similar message to the GM and will let you know if I get any response (I doubt it). Just want to let you know – I am new to your website and I must tell you, I am really enjoying going through it and reading all your articles and various situations, blogs, stories and advice.
Thanks – Monica
Comment by Monica St. Vincent — June 16, 2010 @ 3:51 pm
Monica, I relate because I got reprimanded recently and it was completely unnecessary and inappropriate. I was doing everything I could to work with them and her tone sounded adversarial like I was a five year old who needed to be scolded to do the right thing. It undermined the sense of team. Which it turned out wasn’t the relationship model she or anyone else in that organization was using. Most of the time I can elevate an adversarial interaction into a relational one. But not always. I look forward to finding out how you do that.
Comment by merylrunion — June 16, 2010 @ 4:34 pm
I remember a situation when a new boss blind-sided me in front of her boss (my first interaction with him)accusing me of creating a problem. In actuality, I had done my portion well, with no errors. The next person in the chain caused a small imperfection (you would laugh if I told you what it was). Instead of asking me about the perceived problem, she accused me of wrong doing. After we got the issue worked out and were alone, I explained (rather boldly for me) that I could spend my time in the office working productively or I could spend it looking over my shoulder waiting to be blind-sided. I said that I would rather work, but the natural instinct when one feels at risk for attack is to look over one’s shoulder. I explained that which option I ended up using was up to her and how she treated me. I added that if she had problems in the future with my work, I would appreciate her asking me before assuming I had failed to meet her expectations. I don’t know as it changed her approach long term, but it did for a while, and I felt much better about myself as I worked in a difficult environment.
Comment by Maggie — June 23, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
Maggie, your comment rocked! So clear!
A single set of PowerPhrases won’t turn a tyrant into a saint, but they have their effect! And as you say, knowing you don’t have to stay silent is freeing – even when you choose to.
Comment by merylrunion — June 23, 2010 @ 12:39 pm
Speaking your mind (appropriately) really does “set you free”. I like that terminology here. Keeping it penned up inside of you only hurts yourself and accomplishes nothing.
Thank you everyone for your input. I LOVE this.
Comment by Monica St. Vincent — June 24, 2010 @ 2:02 pm
The GM never acknowledged me after I sent my response (after you enlighted me). That’s okay. The simple task is completed and he knows his remarks to me came across nothing less then baffling. I got the last laugh.
Again thanks and keep this going ~ I, like many others, love your writing suggestions, encouragement and empowerment!
Monica
Comment by Monica St. Vincent — July 16, 2010 @ 7:46 am
Secret last laughs are the best. It takes maturity to enjoy them privately. Personally, I think you deserve an award.
Comment by merylrunion — July 16, 2010 @ 11:13 am