July 6, 2010Reader Question: A graceless new manager
Our new boss of less than 30 days has a terrible approach when one of us is needed in her office. Rather than email, set up meeting times in advance, or simply walking over to our desks (which are approximately 10 steps from her office), she will yell for us by name and wait until we come to her call. She does this anywhere that she feels is a distance still within earshot. It makes us feel like little children being called by our mother and it causes us to feel disrespected. Add to this the fact that she is a 6 foot tall and has no problems cussing people out and swearing constantly, and this situation is unfortunately intimidating.
I have twice been very close to asking her not to take that approach with me (and think my co-workers should speak to her for themselves) but I really feel that I don’t have the right words in order not to offend or reveal that I am offended .I need a powerphrase or the best approach to this issue that is increasingly bothersome.
Response:
Instead of telling her not to do what she’s doing, I suggest you invite her to do something different. Say,
- When you need me, could you (email, walk over to my desk, set up advance meetings) etc.?
I will tell you that I can see a case for how she does it, at the same time as I can understand why you don’t care for it at all. As far as the cussing goes, I would not tolerate that a single time. Some phrases:
- I am a professional and I expect to be treated as one.
- This is inappropriate. Let’s speak to each other as professionals.
- I care about the issue, but when you speak to me this way, I find it difficult to focus on a solution.
- I want to be sure I heard you correctly, because I am documenting what you say. Did you just tell me to (expletive?)
- Stop. You may have a point but your language is unacceptable.
I have lots more phrases in my PowerPhrases book. As a gentler soul, I have trouble with this kind of behavior too. It always helps me to remember that what is rude and nasty in my familiar culture is considered more normal in others.
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Many managers have received little or no training. Most are not natural leaders. As a techie, I found that managers who have been promoted from the ranks, still have a bookshelf full of technical manuals but not a single book on leadership.
This boss may feel very intimidated by leading a new group of people and responds by using intimidation to lead. One thing not to do however is to compare her mentally or verbally to your old boss. They usually don’t like it and put up a defensive posture.
Things to do. Work on one issue at a time. Stop by her office often when you need her input or assistance. Let her know that your group works as a family and make her feel part of the family. Let her know that how you feel when she beckons you with a bellow. You don’t necessarily need to let her know at the exact moment it happens since other pressing issues may be on her mind. The longer you wait to say something and correct the unwanted behavior the harder it will be to break the habit.
Dale Carnage said that in order to get someone to do something you merely need to get them to want to do it. Wanting to be the leader of a family may just be the ticket.
Comment by Nathan — July 6, 2010 @ 10:58 pm
Your new boss sounds not only rude but disruptive as well.
Unfortunately, too many workplaces are now “open spaces”
instead of individual offices and therefore less private. I would take this one up with Human Resources. Make an appointment and explain that the new manager’s yelling and cursing is interfering with your concentration on work and is disrespectful of her staff. Let H.R. handle this situation, since as Management she is representing the company.
Comment by Phoebe — July 7, 2010 @ 10:05 am
I take this to heart, as over the course of my management career I certainly made unthinking mistakes in how I dealt with employees. I never was one to cuss, but I did get called out a couple of times for reprimanding an employee in front of a customer (in my defense I will clarify, first time as a rookie manager trying to please a complaining customer; second time actually instructing a trainee, not reprimanding, but heard differently by the employee).
What I appreciated: Being called out for it. If my management was not what it should be, yes, I wanted to know about it. And I didn’t necessarily need anyone to go to my supervisor when all they had to do was explain how my actions made them feel and how they thought I might handle it better. I am capable of learning! What I did not appreciate: An attack on me about how they, the trainee, knew so much better than I did how to be a good manager, without giving me a chance to sort out with them what I heard myself say vs. what they heard me say.
I like Nathan’s comments and it is true — it is intimidating to be put in charge of a new group of people you don’t yet know. It can be tempting to assume you must steamroll over them before they can steamroll over you. Sometimes all it takes is a gentle reminder that you are all professionals and certainly you can all find ways to work with each other respectfully. Assume innocence; try to understand her challenges and work from that angle first. Meryl’s third phrase, “I care about the issue but find it difficult to focus on a solution when you speak to me that way” is so perfect — we were taught to use that when speaking with a customer who started to swear.
If that doesn’t work, then you’re certainly entitled to move on to HR and documentation. Look up the story on Holly Graf — even the Navy doesn’t make sailors put up with cussing and ill treatment from those in charge.
Comment by Grace — July 7, 2010 @ 6:30 pm
Really great suggestions. I agree that addressing it directly first is best – we all want to look good to managers and HR. Nathan, great ability to walk in other people’s shoes. Grace, I love how you tell on yourself here. You put us in the manager’s shoes because you’ve been in them. Thanks for the suggestions!
Comment by merylrunion — July 7, 2010 @ 9:45 pm
There are times when handling things yourself is not in
your best interest. Use the system that is in place, that’s
what it’s there for. I would go to H.R. because anyone that
is so rude to begin with, is not going to listen to me. This
manager sounds like the type that is ingratiating to those
she believes to be above her and nasty to those below her.
The workplace should provide an environment where you can do your work without too many personal considerations.
Comment by Phoebe — July 14, 2010 @ 9:59 am
Phoebe, you are right. there are times to leave it to the experts.
I believe we err to often on the side of not addressing things directly, and generally recommend starting small and working up. But there are times when we can be reasonably certain that we do need help from the start.
My motto is, “A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger.” Escalating an issue to higher levels is pretty strong. It’s a bit like calling the police about a barking dog without mentioning the problem to a neighbor. Some neighbors are scary enough that it’s probably the best option, but it doesn’t enhance the sense of community.
I once had someone address an issue she hadn’t mentioned a manager. I could easily guess who it was – and it was a misunderstanding. We were able to work it through, but I would have preferred she start with me.
Also, sometimes it can backfire when the manager gets wind.
So those are considerations, and if after that you decide HR is the place to address it, I say go for it.
Comment by merylrunion — July 14, 2010 @ 11:11 am