July 13, 2010Reader question: A Cold Case – and office whiner

A reader asks:

Someone in my office is always cold. That’s the focus of her day. I’d really like to know what she wears at home because the office is always 72-74 degrees .

Response:

I relate to this question of dealing with anyone who complains rather than doing anything about a problem. I have a friend who complains about being broke when I talk to him, but whenever I suggest ideas for his business, he is insulted that I would try to advise him, and will preemptively dismiss any suggestions I have. Sound familiar?

Here’s what I’d say.

When I hear you complain about being cold, it frustrates me, because I want to help but feel powerless to do anything. It seems to me that there are some things you can do to keep warm that you don’t do. So unless you have a clear idea of how I can help you, please don’t complain to me about it.

Another approach might be,

What do you want me to do with that information?

Or:

I understand you’re cold. What can you do about it?

I like the first approach best, myself.

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28 Comments »

This looks like a version of the psychological game ‘Why Don’t You, Yes But’, in which someone presents their problem and then systematically rejects every suggestion they are given for resolving the problem. The best way to stop the behaviour is to refuse to offer suggestions and to ‘stay in your Adult’ (as Transactional Analysis puts it) – i.e. stay detached and refused to get sucked into the game.

Meryl, I like your suggested responses, as they should force the co-worker to stop playing the ‘game’ and think for themself. By complaining, the co-worker has been trying to make everyone else repsonsible for the fact that they are cold; your suggestions place the responsibility back where it belongs – with the person who is cold!

Comment by Anita — July 14, 2010 @ 1:32 am
I’ve been in this situation, especially with my daughter. I’ve used the phrase “What would you like me to do?” Most of the time she is frustrated with the situation and really needs a sympathy ear. When I ask the question, she thinks and then says I guess you can’t really do anything but thanks for listening. I don’t hear much complaining from her.

I have a sister that likes to do this also, but really doesn’t want to stop complaining or fix the problem. With her, I ask “What do YOU think you should do?” When she tells me, I say “I agree – that is a great solution”. She just wants someone to agree with her not give advice or your solution. When she complains again, I remind her she said she wanted to try this and ask if she did. Again, it usually stops the complaining because she came up with the answer to her own problem, I just confirmed it was a good idea. NOTE: If this is a person who complains a lot, always agree with them whether you actually do or not. It will make your life easier. Trust me.

Comment by Tracy — July 14, 2010 @ 10:17 am
I agree with not going around in circles with someone who appears to be unable to find a solution for herself.

You said you liked #1 the best but it seems condescending and therefore inflammatory if not dismissive to me to “assume” that she is “complaining” when in fact, she is feeling cold and has somehow decided she is helpless to do anything about it because it’s a work regulated cooling system.

#3 seems the more productive “I understand you’re cold. What can you do about it?”

A more positive, compassionate and supportive (suspend judgment) answer might be: I understand that you are feeling cold, is there something you’d like me to do to support you in finding a solution to this problem?”

She feels heard, you’ve recognized that it’s her problem and yet she will feel supported in trying to find a solution. Goal here: find an agreeable solution for the entire office or create a solution: wear layers!

Mary Reynolds

Comment by Mary — July 14, 2010 @ 10:19 am
We all need to vent sometimes — it doesn’t necessarily mean we want the other person to do anything about it. Tracy’s comment is similar to what a friend I used to work with and I do for each other. Sometimes we may forget to verbalize that we’re “venting,” so we simply ask each other, “Is there anything I can do” or “Do you want me to do something about it?” It’s nice to have someone just listen to you, even if they can’t do anything about it, and sometimes to have a sounding board for your own solutions.

However, that doesn’t necessarily apply to someone who complains about the same thing every day. In that case, I guess my response would be the same every day: “So put a sweater on. Issue resolved.” I would think sooner or later they’d get as tired of hearing my response as I was of their complaint.

Comment by Grace — July 14, 2010 @ 10:41 am
Love your comments! Tracy, you took my suggestion one step closer to responsibility and accountability with your “what do you think you should do?”

Mary, since this is a repeated complaint (and I edited down the initial question, I accepted the assumption she is complaining. I was taking it in Anita’s context of a setup for the psychological game of “Why don’t you, yeah but.”

I will add, however, I wasn’t 100% happy with my response because I know what it’s like to be stuck in a problem. And I also know what it’s like to be chronically cold. I drink warm liquids all day when I’m in situations that over-air conditioned, and find a spot in the sun on breaks. I sometimes have people come up at seminars complaining about the cold with an ice drink in hand. I take a poll, and carry a thermometer so I can determine an agreed-upon temperature.

Which brings us back to the idea of collaboration, as Mary noted. “Goal here: find an agreeable solution for the entire office or create a solution: wear layers!”

Grace, your final paragraph about responding the same way is useful too. I call it the broken record technique. When someone is a complaining broken record, respond by being a single solution broken record. Not ideal, and not the place to start, but it keeps you from getting caught up in a negative game.

Comment by merylrunion — July 14, 2010 @ 10:58 am
Our office is always cold in the summer. it’s a big building and getting the temp balanced is difficult. In our area we all have shawls or sweaters, or lap blankets. One girl even has a snuggie! You could always give her a sweater and the next time she complains ask her where it is.

Comment by Mindy — July 14, 2010 @ 11:57 am
A snuggie! Wow! Actually, before I edited the question the writer mentioned she had done that. I’d say that when someone needs that,it’s too cold – but as you say, it’s hard to control temperatures in big buildings.

Comment by merylrunion — July 14, 2010 @ 12:48 pm
It is also possible that this person has a medical problem, such as low thyroid. Asking if the person has addressed her problem with her physician might be useful as well.

Comment by SLCCOM — July 14, 2010 @ 6:34 pm
You’re right, Meryl, my “broken record” response is not ideal, and seeing all the great responses here (sure hadn’t thought about a possible medical issue), I’ve been thinking that yes, it is less than it could be. However, I am a no-nonsense type of person — especially at work — and I have found that the simplest solution is usually the best, so if kinder ways have been used and the person persists in complaint, I would fall back to the simplest solution.

Comment by Grace — July 14, 2010 @ 9:30 pm
I’m with you there. There is a point where kindness can be pandering.

I’ve read enough pf your posts where you married grace with results to know that if you’re cutting to the chase, it’s appropriate. Not so for everyone.

Comment by merylrunion — July 14, 2010 @ 9:54 pm
give them a box of Ginger Tea – maybe their circulation needs a boost

Comment by annelise — July 19, 2010 @ 12:20 am
I would suggest getting a personal heater as I do. I am usually always cold but do understand that it is beyond my contol to do anything effective to please everyone. So I please myself and bring in a personal heater. My problem solved!

Comment by Rebecca Escudero — July 21, 2010 @ 10:21 am
We don’t have whinners in the office, but at times there is a draft from the ceiling that may blow especially cold on select locations. I have a shawl in my desk drawer that I loan out to anyone not prepared for the temperature flucuation of the day. Maintenance has also adjusted ceiling vents that are especially troublesome. For the most part, employees in our office that have a tendancy to be cold, dress accordingly.

Comment by Jeanne — July 21, 2010 @ 12:27 pm
Where my desk is at work, is basically a wide spot in the corner of the hallway. I share this space with a co-worker, and we are the only employees in the building who are not in an enclosed office. The AC/Heat vent is almost directly over her chair position, and the thermostat is on the wall above my desk. When she first started, I had the thermostat set for my comfort level. She was often cold during warm weather, and she began using a small space heater under her desk. Some days her space heater would be on for so long that I would start to feel the heat on me, 10 feet away, and I would start to sweat from it, often when she had gone to another building for a few hours and left it running. I’m one of those people who starts to sweat when the temp gets over 74°f, and she was getting cold when the thermostat was showing 72. But then, she is right under the vent and I am not. We’ve managed to work it out so that I keep an eye on the thermostat to make sure it isn’t running too cold, and she dials back her heater so it isn’t pouring out more than she needs to be comfortable. By listening to her, and not dismissing it as a simple complaint, I have learned patterns and I can usually tell for myself when it is getting to be too cold for her and adjust things, if needed. This summer she hasn’t felt the need to turn her heater on at all.

Comment by Ken Rhodes — July 22, 2010 @ 9:55 am
Ken, could you and she trade places? It sounds like that would be a simpler solution.

Comment by SLCCOM — July 22, 2010 @ 12:10 pm
I suppose we could, but I don’t want to give up my better spot. I’ve been at this company for 20+ years now. Although I do enjoy her company, and she’s very nice, I’m not prepared to grow up enough to give her the better location.

Comment by Ken Rhodes — July 22, 2010 @ 12:43 pm
I like heating pads because they just warm me. But I will say that even so I don’t like cold air blowing on me…

Comment by merylrunion — July 22, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
I love the comment by Ken — it’s refreshing to hear someone admit, with wit, to being just a wee bit selfish (as we are all entitled to be once in a while).

Comment by Grace — July 22, 2010 @ 5:45 pm
Hey, seniority has to have some perks, right?

Comment by Ken Rhodes — July 22, 2010 @ 7:29 pm
I suppose so. But that does remind me of the comment that academic politics are so vicious because the stakes are so low…

Comment by SLCCOM — July 22, 2010 @ 9:55 pm
You know, I don’t have a good response to that. All I know is that I like where I’m at for various personal (and admittedly superficial) reasons. I’d rather make a little effort to adjust her comfort, than switch places.

And I don’t want cold air blowing on me, either.

Comment by Ken Rhodes — July 23, 2010 @ 2:25 pm
I was just kidding, Ken. I certainly didn’t mean you were being vicious. I wonder if it would be possible for Maintenance to move the blower? Maybe you could check into that. Move it further up the hallway?

Comment by SLCCOM — July 23, 2010 @ 2:58 pm
After 20 years with this company, I’ve learned enough to know that’s not going to happen.

There was some talk a couple of years ago about installing new diffusers that would disperse the air more along the ceiling, and not down onto the people below directly. It hasn’t come to light yet.

As for academic politics being vicious, my wife is a lecturer/adviser for a local college and has been dealing with that for the better part of 12 years now, so it’s kind of a touchy point for me, I guess. In fact, in April she was told her contract would be renewed for the next year, as is. In May, the department secretary managed to arrange things so that the department chair is changing the requirements and job description and my wife has now been “invited to apply” for the job she was told she already has. So I apologize for being more sensitive than normal right now. You just happened to choose just the right words without knowing you were choosing them. It’s all good.

Comment by Ken Rhodes — July 23, 2010 @ 3:06 pm
Having been an adjunct lecturer myself with a new department chair with the people skills of a piranha, please give your wife my sympathy. I don’t know how well your wife is paid, but I figured out that mine came to about $2/hour. It isn’t worth the aggravation, although I loved the time with my students.

Comment by SLCCOM — July 23, 2010 @ 3:53 pm
She’s not paid that well, though it is better than any previous position, and it’s still part time, which is important when you have special needs child at home.

But this is getting way off topic.

Comment by Ken Rhodes — July 23, 2010 @ 3:56 pm
It is. But it was a pleasure communicating with you, and I would suggest that you check out http://www.disabilityisnatural.com for a healthy perspective on special children.

Comment by SLCCOM — July 23, 2010 @ 4:06 pm
SLCCOM, thanks for the resource. I’m going to check that out very closely.

Comment by Ken Rhodes — July 26, 2010 @ 11:05 am
I am cold all the time. I thought it might be my thyroid so I went to an endocrinologist (it was normal). He told me that thin people are usually cooler than overweight/obese people. With 2/3 of American’s overweight, and 1/3 obese, it is no surprise that in general more effort is made to make the majority of people (the overweight) a comfortable temperature. Plus, estrogen lowers the metabolic rate, resulting in women being colder than men in general. As a normal weight woman, I will have to deal with the over-airconditioning of America as the obesity crisis continues. I really like the snuggie idea. I keep a blanket in the car so my overweight husband can crank up the air(hehe). I complain about it to my husband and co-workers (who also complain). My husband and I have thermostat wars:)

Comment by Sarah Palm — July 26, 2010 @ 1:02 pm