August 31, 2010Poison Phrase: That’s nothing!
At a network event this evening, a woman was telling us about how a buffalo had escaped from a nearby slaughterhouse and was walking down West Colorado Avenue. (A fairly busy street in town.)
Another lady commented,
-That’s nothing,
And proceeded to talk about seeing an entire family of deer.
She caught herself and apologized for her dismissive comment. Grace was restored – and I got a new Poison Phrase to post.
That’s something!
August 31, 2010PowerPhrase: read it to me again. It makes me happy.
One friend in particular always leaves me feeling loved and supported. Today, the particular comment that warmed my heart came when I read him the introduction my editor wrote to another editor telling her how great I am. It touched my heart to read, but touched my heart even more when I shared it with this dear friend who replied by saying,
- Read it again. It makes me happy to hear it.
Which I gladly did. About as perfect a response as I could imagine. Can you imagine a world when we all responded to each other so tenderly?
August 29, 2010Song Helps to SpeakStrong #3: Critter Tales
Many of our neighbors have dogs. Some have great relationships and their dogs do what they want, including coming when
they call. Others train their dogs not to come, thinking they’re training them to come.
When their dog harasses someone (for example, me…) these people angrily shout, “Come here!” If he does come, they scold him. They go on and on about how horrible the dog is. Hmmm… not real inviting! Usually the dogs ignore their owners and do whatever they wish.
Our cat comes almost every time we call her, because she knows she’s into something good. We even sing to her. She prances around in response to us singing her praises, rubbing against every corner and chair leg she can find.
A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger. For many of us, learning to Speak Strong means sweetening it up. It can even mean singing. You might not want to open your board meeting that way – but if you hum a tune on your way over, you just might find the whole discussion goes more smoothly.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my cat is singing to me, and I’d like to go listen. Purrrrr.
I am planning how-to webinars this fall, so do stay tuned, plus my SpeakStrong book give lots of very practical tips about how to express emotions in ways that empower everyone.
August 28, 2010Songs Help to SpeakStrong #2: Sing to Soothe Instead of Scold to Stifle
Music is an undervalued communication resource. When I was growing up, my mother used to sing a lot. She couldn’t carry a tune, but she was vibrantly alive. Her songs filled me with joy and remain in my heart to this day.
When my best friend was dying in the hospital, I sang to her. She’d ask me to sing the “Everybody Loves Cindi” song. It was an honor. After she died, her boyfriend commented on how the tone of my ministering to her was an incredibly sweet experience in contrast to the hospital environment and their own conversations.
I see parents shushing babies on airplanes. Some even slap their small ones. I know from my experience that most of the time, singing to my little guy soothed him into silence or cooing. It had positive side-effects – not negative ones.
I’d much rather sing to soothe than scold to stifle. That’s speaking Strong, Smart AND Sweet.
August 27, 2010Song Helps to SpeakStrong. Harmonies smooth the expression of anger
It happens. Someone I care about let me down, and I was upset. I was out-of-balance angry.
How did I know I was out of balance? All the flaws and limits of my dear associate seemed bigger than life. I had a legitimate issue to discuss, and I needed to get back in balance so I could speak from heart.
And music was key to make that happen. Several minute into listening to sweet music, I found my agitation softening. I lost my self-righteous drive to say a thing or two about a thing or two to set things “right.” I was able to communicate my upset with a velvet knife instead of a sledge hammer. We had a lovely dialogue that left us feeling closer than ever.
Sometimes song can help us SpeakStrong…Smart and Sweet.
I am planning how-to webinars this fall, so do stay tuned, plus my SpeakStrong book gives lots of very practical tips about how to express emotions in ways that empower everyone.
Email This Post
Related posts which may interest you
- Dynamic dignity, corporate ignominy#3 Collaboration. A more useful tool than a sledge hammer.
- Songs Help to SpeakStrong #2: Sing to Soothe Instead of Scold to Stifle
- Discussion Topic ~ Names for brainlet critters
- Dixie Chicks still not ready to make nice. They don’t have to. They don’t have to be mad as hell, either.
- PowerPhrase ~ That’s why I say…
August 23, 2010@danmulhern quote – There is trapped energy all over the place, potentially released in brilliant flashes and breakthrough
I got energized just reading this sentence In Dan Mulhern’s latest post.
- There is trapped energy all over the place, potentially released in brilliant flashes and breakthroughs.
He goes on to say,
- Your task and mine is to engage people. Get them to become energy producers, instead of passive, underutilized, and complaining users of the energy thrown off by old authorities – politics, church, and the educational monolith (whose structures and methods still resemble Cambridge of 1700 or the one-room school houses of the 1800′s).
This is what the new Dynamics of Communication and my Dynamic Leadership model are all about. Untrapping energy. Not letting outdated structures limit our ability to respond to life as it unfolds.
Check his whole article out. http://www.danmulhern.com/2010/08/tap-the-power-oil-and-the-crow/
Email This Post
Related posts which may interest you
- Great discussion in the Washington Post about Speaking Strong, truth and tact.
- Conversational, Evolutionary and Dynamic Leadership are the trends
- PowerPhrase: Please check in before you check out
- Communication challenges are opportunities. Gossip and manipulation webinar tomorrow is an opportunity to dynamize communication.
- When the going gets tough, talking like a victim doesn’t help.
August 19, 2010PowerPhrase: Can I help? Flight attendant takes baby from mother after slapping
Is she a hero, or intrusive? A flight attendant took a 7 month old baby from her mother when the mother slapped the baby for kicking her.
The father joined the flight attendant at the back of the plane and they soothed the infant to sleep.
This article talks about how helpless many people feel when faced with aggression toward children in public.
My guess from the article is the intervention is likely to lead to this mother to develop new parenting skills. I hope so.
One person is quoted in the article as suggesting that simply asking
- Can I help?
Often reduces the tension before it reaches that level.
I’m in the camp that applauds the flight attendant, but like everything else, it’s not black and white. If I felt a need to right every parenting wrong I see when I fly, I’d be very busy indeed. And intrusive. But there is a point where we know we can’t stay silent. We can start by offering help. I find myself playing a game of peek-a-boo with a restless child on just about every flight.
I can think of a few times in the past where I wish I had spoken up for a child. How about you?
August 19, 2010How to Talk to Your Doctor radio interview
Last week I gave an interview about being assertive with your doctor. Yesterday I had a long talk with a friend who had to practice that art under very difficult circumstances. To put it in her words, “it’s hard to argue with your doctor when an ambulance he called without informing you is waiting for you.”
How assertive should you be with your doctor? And how do you prepare for a doctor visit in order to get the most out of the 15 minutes that the average appointment allows for? Since 85% of patients don’t get to finish their opening sentance how can you communicate in ways that get your concerns heard and give the doc the information he or she needs to treat you properly?
And how do you get establish a partnership relationship with your doctor? Is it even possible?
This was the topic for a radio show I interviewed for called Clint’s Cures.
You can hear the archive of our conversation here. It could make the difference between a successful doctor visit and a frustrating one.
You can also read an article about How to Talk to Your Doctor here.
August 19, 2010Success Story: Inviting him to share his funk instead of telling him what he feels
Meryl,
Last week you told me many men find a remark as simple as:
- Are you angry?
to be intrusive. You suggested they hear it as psychologizing, and get defensive. I was stunned, because when my girlfriends and I ask each other questions like that, we hear it as support.
So this week when my husband got bad news about a promotion he wanted, I was sweet to him, but I left him pretty much alone. I didn’t ask him about it. After several hours, he invited me for a cup of tea. Then, I simply asked how he was doing. He said he was struggling, and was forthcoming about what was going on for him.
In the past, my attempts to support him have gone south. He’d get defensive and I’d find myself thinking he should just get over it and lose any kind of compassion. Or ‘d try to fix it for him, which didn’t work for either of us. I was pleased we were able to connect this time, mainly because I didn’t pry.
August 19, 2010Reader Question: When Families Condemn – Stop the Toxic Gossip
Meryl,
My ex-brother-in-law left my sister 8 years ago. She was so angry, she exaggerated every wrong he ever when she complained to the family. I understood her anger, but she made herself out to be such an innocent victim that I found it hard to listen to. It was like his actions justified every bad thing she ever did to him.
The rest of the family took her side and her ex’s flaws have been a topic for discussion at every family gathering ever since. I’ve maintained a casual friendship with him and don’t like hearing him made out to be public enemy number one – especially since he’s been pretty active in my niece’s life. They tone it down when my niece is around, but generally I can count on at least five minutes of updates at every gathering on what bad news he is. Things like showing up ten minutes late to get my niece are turned into major offenses, and any time he has a different opinion about what’s good for my niece, they don’t just make him out to be wrong, they make him out to be evil. It smacks with self-righteousness and I want to defend him but if I do, they act like I don’t love my sister. What do I say when the gossip begins?
Response,
Say,
- None of us is as bad as the worst thing we’ve ever done. I don’t condone what he did, but I don’t enjoy condemning him either.,
- I don’t need to hear this. I’ll come back later and see if the topic has changed.,
- I can see many sides to this story, but it seems you only want to discuss one side, so I’ll remove myself.
- I don’t think he’s perfect, but what does it say about us that after eight years we still find ourselves focusing so intensely on his flaws?
- It seems like if I don’t take sides you think I’m taking sides with him. I’d like to go on record to say that I love my sister, like my ex-brother-in-law, and don’t want to be in the middle of you.
- It’s interesting that (name) never talks about you (my sister) this way. He’s always very gracious in his comments.
- I’m afraid if I take any position other than that (name) is a monster in these conversations, that you’ll be talking about me this way when I’m not here. That has inhibited my honest for eight years now. I need to take ownership and let you know I don’t think he’s as bad as you make him out to be.
Tell me if any of these help. Also note that the last phrase is an important one for you to consider. Could it be that you owe him an apology for being in collusion all these years?
