August 16, 2010Poison Phrases: what’s your problem? You’re my problem.
I just heard a teenage boy trying to pursuade his sibling to get into the lake. (Guess where I am!) When the yougster hesitated, the older boy asked,
-What’s your problem?
On the surface this isn’t a poison phrase. But the way it is commonly used, it really is. And phrases that are seemingly meant to be helpful that have critical malicious undercurrents are often the most poisonous of all.
The way this phrase is commonly used implies that any issue is a problem, and we shouldn’t be having problems. The way it is usually used is diminishing.
Tone is everything in this one. While I heard love and support from the elder brother, the underlying tone of this question came across as dismissive and potentially a set-up for a lifetime of pretending nothing’s wrong or feeling bad about it when something is.
Been there. Done that. Now when someone asks what my problem is, I resist the temptation to say,
-I do have a problem, and my problem is you.
Instead I respond as if it is intended to be helpful. Often, even if the original statement contains snark, my response generally elevates the conversation to a more collaborative dynamic.
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