August 19, 2010Reader Question: When Families Condemn – Stop the Toxic Gossip
Meryl,
My ex-brother-in-law left my sister 8 years ago. She was so angry, she exaggerated every wrong he ever when she complained to the family. I understood her anger, but she made herself out to be such an innocent victim that I found it hard to listen to. It was like his actions justified every bad thing she ever did to him.
The rest of the family took her side and her ex’s flaws have been a topic for discussion at every family gathering ever since. I’ve maintained a casual friendship with him and don’t like hearing him made out to be public enemy number one – especially since he’s been pretty active in my niece’s life. They tone it down when my niece is around, but generally I can count on at least five minutes of updates at every gathering on what bad news he is. Things like showing up ten minutes late to get my niece are turned into major offenses, and any time he has a different opinion about what’s good for my niece, they don’t just make him out to be wrong, they make him out to be evil. It smacks with self-righteousness and I want to defend him but if I do, they act like I don’t love my sister. What do I say when the gossip begins?
Response,
Say,
- None of us is as bad as the worst thing we’ve ever done. I don’t condone what he did, but I don’t enjoy condemning him either.,
- I don’t need to hear this. I’ll come back later and see if the topic has changed.,
- I can see many sides to this story, but it seems you only want to discuss one side, so I’ll remove myself.
- I don’t think he’s perfect, but what does it say about us that after eight years we still find ourselves focusing so intensely on his flaws?
- It seems like if I don’t take sides you think I’m taking sides with him. I’d like to go on record to say that I love my sister, like my ex-brother-in-law, and don’t want to be in the middle of you.
- It’s interesting that (name) never talks about you (my sister) this way. He’s always very gracious in his comments.
- I’m afraid if I take any position other than that (name) is a monster in these conversations, that you’ll be talking about me this way when I’m not here. That has inhibited my honest for eight years now. I need to take ownership and let you know I don’t think he’s as bad as you make him out to be.
Tell me if any of these help. Also note that the last phrase is an important one for you to consider. Could it be that you owe him an apology for being in collusion all these years?
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Oh, yeah, you owe the ex BIL an apology big time! If you are going to take ownership, you need to take full ownership. I doubt that he is unaware of what is being said, and even it they do tone it down when the daughter is present, little pitchers do have big ears! The hostility has to be felt by the little girl, and she is being damaged.
I really liked the one about what does it say about us that we are doing this eight years later!
Comment by SLCCOM — August 19, 2010 @ 11:10 pm
yes, SLCCOM – sometimes our errors of omission are as damaging as our errors of commission.
Comment by merylrunion — August 20, 2010 @ 9:18 am
This topic really resonates with me as I have found myself in the same situation with my in-laws on the topic of my ex-sister-in-law, who remains a friend of mine. Thank you for the excellent responses you provide, Meryl! SLCCOM, you make a great point about the daughter. My niece and nephews have been more damaged, in my opinion, by the insensitive things said about their mother than by anything she ever did. What does it do to a child’s self-respect when their parent is talked about by their own family in such negative terms?
Comment by Grace — August 23, 2010 @ 10:15 pm
Yes, Grace, I agree. What a powerful observation:
“My niece and nephews have been more damaged, in my opinion, by the insensitive things said about their mother than by anything she ever did.”
I don’t think occasional sympathetic references to the fact that parents have some flaws or limitations is damaging. I think that can help sift through the child’s own challenges with their parents, and decide how they do and don’t want to emulate them. It can help a child understand his or her own reactions to the parent. But when the tone is one of condemnation, it sends a message of condemnation to the child since children have both parents in them. Mentions need to leave room for us all being human. They also need to focus on how to manage reactions to behaviors.
It’s criminal to send a message to a child that he or she is wrong to love a parent.
Comment by merylrunion — August 24, 2010 @ 3:20 pm
RE: When families condemn
I don’t think it is about the ex-brother in law really at all. It is about just how small and petty the rest of the family looks actually STILL talking about him and bringing up all of his alleged faults and bad behavior. It is further making the ex wife look pitiful and damaged by acting like the entire family needs to join forces in order to aggressively defend her after all of these years. Just not smart any way you look at it.
One thing here though that bothers me about the sister who does not want to take sides. Unless she knew and was friends with the ex brother in law before her sister even married him, she has no need to “take sides”. He has no reason to be in her life at all, period. Sure maybe her sister was not the perfect wife either, that goes without saying. There is just something that smells fishy here. The sister seems to get some sort of pleasure out of her sister getting what she thinks she deserves.
The writer tries to emphasize her families bad behavior regarding the ex, and I agree with her on that level. I agree she should not join in with their ridiculous, on going rants about him either. I do not think she needs to be his friend, casual or otherwise. She sees just how much pain this has caused her sister and family and seems to enjoy her current position. She is saying one thing, but I am hearing something else.
Comment by Melanie Mitchell — September 16, 2010 @ 1:04 pm
From my own experience, I would disagree that the sister doesn’t need to have the brother-in-law in her life, simply becuase he wasn’t a blood relative. When my sister divorced, I suddenly lost all contact with her ex-husband, with whom I previously had a very good relationship. I found this difficult, as I was never given the chance to say goodbye to him – he just moved away.
While I respect the decision to separate if a couple can’t live together any more, I don’t think enough consideration is given to the effects of divorce on the rest of the family. It can be very hard to suddenly lose someone you have liked and respected, especially when the situation is completely out of your control. Personally, I can’t see anything hidden motives in the sister’s story – I would have loved to be able to stay in touch with Gary, but wasn’t given the opportunity.
Comment by Anita — September 17, 2010 @ 2:56 am
Anita, I’m with you there. I never understand why people who once loved each other become non-existent to each over once a marriage fails, and why anyone would expect others to share their hostility. We each have our own relationships with family members and ex family members. While we need to be sensitive to feelings, it’s not reasonable for to be expected to end a friendship because someone else ended a marriage.
This is particularly true when there is a child involved who doesn’t need to get a signal that everything her father does is condemned automatically. Plus the child keeps the man in the family. He may be the questioner’s ex-brother-in-law, but he’s still her niece’s father.
I’m sorry for your loss! I think every friendship is unique and precious and it’s a drag to have it cut off for no reason of your doing.
Comment by merylrunion — September 17, 2010 @ 9:11 am