August 19, 2010Success Story: Inviting him to share his funk instead of telling him what he feels

Filed under: Success Story by merylrunion |

Meryl,

Last week you told me many men find a remark as simple as:

- Are you angry?

to be intrusive. You suggested they hear it as psychologizing, and get defensive. I was stunned, because when my girlfriends and I ask each other questions like that, we hear it as support.

So this week when my husband got bad news about a promotion he wanted, I was sweet to him, but I left him pretty much alone. I didn’t ask him about it. After several hours, he invited me for a cup of tea. Then, I simply asked how he was doing. He said he was struggling, and was forthcoming about what was going on for him.

In the past, my attempts to support him have gone south. He’d get defensive and I’d find myself thinking he should just get over it and lose any kind of compassion. Or ‘d try to fix it for him, which didn’t work for either of us. I was pleased we were able to connect this time, mainly because I didn’t pry.