September 17, 2010PowerPhrase: Since you don’t find value in my solutions, I’d like to hear your ideas..
You’re putting yourself on the line trying to solve a problem, and they’re in the peanut gallery shooting your suggestions down. Instead of letting their attacks put you on the defensive, say,
- Since you don’t find value or hear ideas to build on in my solutions, I’d like to hear your recommendations. Maybe we can find something to build on there.
And when they share their ideas, ask them to be specific. Don’t play tit for tat, however. Don’t pick their ideas apart like they did with yours. And don’t play gotcha if they come up empty. Use this phrase as a constructive starting ground.
September 16, 2010Reader Success Story: A brilliant mentor who shuns rankism
A reader recently posted an article I wrote about rankism on her company intranet. She told me she had planned to elicit feedback, but before she could, it came pouring in. The article started a needed conversation. One employee wrote the following letter to the editor.
Meryl’s article (From Rankism to Dynamic Dignity) reminded me of my mentor Ronald Melia. I’m sad because I miss him so much. He’s healing from a cancer-related operation, can’t talk and is too weak to sit down to write. While some didn’t care what Ron had to say, I absorbed his every word like a sponge. His ideals were worth imitating.
Aside from Einstein and my pastor, I can’t find anyone else I hold in higher regard. Ron Melia is a genuinely brilliant, yet practical person, but what makes him great is his ability to listen. He would sit me down and ask me a bunch of work-related questions. Sit there and earnestly listen to what I had to say; that made me feel really good. He wasn’t trying to make bolster my ego. It’s just part of the wholesome, unpretentious person that he is. Ron and I, each had our own responsibilities, and we were held accountable for our jobs. But it was never a hierarchical relationship.
The funny thing is that he was always talking about hierarchical societies in countries where sometimes a co-pilot or crewmember on a plane could not, or was afraid to communicate a mechanical problem to the Captain because of the Captain’s advanced rank, even if it meant life or death.
I might occasionally pose a question and Ron would have the answer. But he didn’t make me feel inept or inferior. He would playfully tell me, “See, that’s why I get the big bucks.” The communication between us was always clear. I see people as individuals, and though I might admire their achievements and their titles, when it all comes down to it, I am drawn more to their humanity.
September 16, 2010Reader Question: Do I have to hype my value to succeed?
Meryl, I had a meltdown the other day. I’ve been talking to coaches who are trying to get me to make grandiose claims about what I can do for clients and to package my work in ways I don’t feel good about. I do great work, and yet I see people who don’t have half my expertise or track record getting contracts with hyped up promises. Do I need to hype my value to be successful?
Meryl responds:
If by success, you mean getting people to pay more than you’re worth based on false expectations, then, yes, you just might need to hype your value. If by success you mean getting fairly rewarded for the benefits you do provide, then my answer is no. But you may need to make the value of what you do more concrete by blowing your horn in creative and specific ways. I think about the book N@ked Consultant that portrays the author’s consulting practice in interesting story form.
Watch what the hypers do and find an ethical way to adapt – not adopt – their methods.
Email This Post
Related posts which may interest you
- This Isn’t Some of Your Work that Resonates with Me the Most
- Reader Question ~ No bonuses this year: Performance evaluation question
- PowerPhrase of the Week ~ The way I work best is…
- Speak Strong: Hype-fatigue in sobering times
- How to Say It Amazon Review Contest Offers Possible 10:1 ROI (Return on Investment)
September 16, 2010Poison Phrase: Quit lying to me
Labels are limiting, and they can interfere with dialogue. That is particularly true of negative label, and even more so when a label is hurled as an assumption, such as in the phrase,
-Quit lying to me.
This not only calls the targeted individual a liar, but it embeds the assumption in a command. While there are occasions when the shock value of such a label is needed, careless use turns a conversation unnecessarily defensive.
Talk about what you want more than what you don’t want. Say,
- I’d like complete honesty with each other, even when it’s difficult. Do you want that too?
Email This Post
Related posts which may interest you
- From Poison Phrases to PowerPhrases: Crucial Conversations: best way to unite team is to learn what divides it http://bit.ly/bN3Hb
- Poison Phrase: Haven’t we already had this conversation?
- Power Phrase: The secret of how to be an assertive woman without inviting the “B” label
- Non-adversarial come-backs to sarcasm that elevate conversations
- I’m okay, you’re biased.
September 15, 2010PowerPhrase: I look up to you as a mentor. What would you do in my position right now?
- I look up to you as a mentor. What would you do in my position right now?
September 15, 2010When a manager lies: How to get your manager to level with you
I gave an interview today to a women’s magazine editor researching an article based on a Stanford research project about how to tell when a CEO lies. Here are some clues a CEO might be lying.
“For one, they seldom referred to themselves or their firms in the first person; “I” and “we” were replaced by terms like “the team” and “the company.” Deceitful executives passed up humdrum adjectives like “solid” and “respectable” in favor of gushing words like “fantastic,” and (not surprisingly) they seldom mentioned shareholder value.
They also tended to buttress their points with references to general knowledge with phrases like “you know” and to make short statements with little hesitation, presumably because they had carefully scripted the untruths in advance and had no interest in lingering on them.”
The interview I gave was for an article about how to get to the truth when our own manager lies.
Responding to questions today reminded me of the questions people asked me during my McGraw Hill Gossip Management webinar. The webinar was directed to help managers create the kind of communication culture where gossip doesn’t happen, but many attendees wanted to know how to handle a manager who gossips. I’m giving that webinar again on October 28, and will offer an information sheet for those who need to know how to address their manager’s gossip.
The approach to a manger who lies and a manager who gossips is very similar. I will add that if your manager’s deceptions are egregious enough to qualify as lying, you might want to find a new job.
You can read my new article When the Manager Lies here. It will help you get your manager to level with you.
Email This Post
Related posts which may interest you
- Gossip and Manipulation Webinar Slides and Archives are Available
- How to stop gossip at work. (Including your boss.) Free webinar.
- PowerPhrase: Passing rumors is gossip
- Free webinar on how to address gossip and manipulation. Meryl Runion, sponsored by McGraw Hill
- 6 steps for turning problems (like gossip) into opportunities
September 11, 2010Striking contrast between Rachael Maddow and Jon Stewart’s interview of Meghan McCain
They even talked about issues on Maddow. What a concept.
If I managed these people, I’d arm them with the PowerPhrase,
- I’d like to talk about the issues.
McCain’s dress was the central focus of the Stewart interview. It didn’t occur to me this young woman actually has a lot to say until I saw the Maddow interview.
By the way, a lot of liberals were won over by the interview, according to the You Tube comments.
Email This Post
Related posts which may interest you
- This Week in the World: Life is a campaign
- This Week in the World: Writer’s Voice Interview
- Poison Phrase ~ I don’t suppose
- Reader question: Interview for a job like a “Naked Consultant”
- Poison Phrase of the Week No one could have seen it coming – and the court jester is the smartest one in the kingdom
September 10, 2010PowerPhrase: I don’t want x, I do want y
When I work with people to help them find phrases, we ramble about a bit before closing in on what to say. Generally things get clear when I focus the conversation on:
- I think
- I feel
- I want.
And the reminder to say what they mean and mean what they say without being mean when they say it is useful.
It also helps to contrast what they don’t want with what they do. For example, in managing expectations, you can be clear, kind and direct by saying,
- I don’t want to disappoint you. I do want to set realistic expectations. That’s why I’m suggesting that we focus on x instead of y.
September 10, 2010Poison Phrase from Mother Goose and Grimm. You’re so special. .
Sometimes the need to be special is a hook. Today’s Mother Goose and Grim illustrates the absurdity of it.
It struck me particularly because I saw a video of a two year old screaming affirmations into a mirror. She was adorable, but I also thought she was setting herself up for a fall. After affirming at high volumes how great she was, she closed with how much better she was than everyone else. That’s an inflation that leads to deflation and dissatisfaction.
From the aspect of praise, I always suggest that before we throw out a general praise to someone, that we take the time to get specific about what we appreciate.
- Great work
is no comparison to,
- You captured the essence of what we were trying to say here and made it accessible. I particularly like the part where…
September 10, 2010Tales of good love gone bad gone forgiving
Themes run synchronously through my days. One theme from this week is forgiving conversations and reconciliation. I’ve always been a sucker for good love gone bad gone forgiving.
My friend Don had a healing conversation with a woman he loved and lost in an ugly way years ago. No, they’re not getting back together at all. But some darkness lifted from both their hearts as they let go of the animosity they had felt toward someone who had once rocked their world.
For my friend Brad, reconciliation took the form of a healing dream. It was about his first wife – a woman who had made his life both heaven and hell. In the 20 years after their marriage came to a brutal ending, Brad’s dreams reflected his need to get untangled from her web. Finally he had done that. And only two weeks later, he dreamed they met and reminisced about the sweet aspects of their years together.
He woke up feeling free and loving.
It may have just been a dream, but his second wife knew it was a breakthrough that would make him more able to love her.
Contrast that to the man whose voice turned to ice when his first wife called for their grown daughter. The daughter knew immediately who was on the other end of the line. Her father’s hostility toward her mother after 20 years sent her all kinds of signals.
But that daughter is also a wife, and today that wife is happy. She is happy because her husband found forgiveness for his first wife. His heart is opening. And that makes her heart happy.
