Posts by Meryl:
- How much work will you be able to do for me in the coming month?
- I’ve been pondering something while you’re gone. I want to support you, but sometimes it feels like gossip. I don’t feel good about myself when I do that so I’ve made a commitment to myself not to do it anymore. Can I count on you to support me on this?
- Most people like working here and I want to keep it that way. That means focusing on solutions, not problems. I’d like your help in developing that as a new habit.
- If I heard someone else talking about you like this, I’d ask them to go directly to you. That’s my best suggestion for you now.
- Let’s celebrate your success here before we tweak it.
- Why am I rambling on about this?
- Why are you rambling on about this?
I’ve moved! New Effective Communication Skill Blog
December 14th, 2010
My PowerPhrase a Week blog is now my Effective Communication Skill blog. You are still welcome to search the posts in this blog and post comments here. I also invite you to visit my new blog here. It’s a new year, and I expect you’ll like the new SpeakSTRONG.
But don’t keep me guessing! Please comment to let me know. What do you like? What would you change? What would make it more useful to you?
Thanks for visiting, and keep on SpeakingSTRONG.
Don’t make people have to squeak for their oil.
November 22nd, 2010
The squeaky wheel gets the oil. It may be true, but it isn’t professional, fun or respectful.
Rob’s assistant used to have to ask him several times to for information she needed for a report she created each weeks. He developed a new policy. He decided to do things before his assistant asked, or let her know when he would get to is, and be true to his word. He told her, “I don’t want to put you in the position of needing to nag me.”
It’s a sign of good character, and his admin was delighted.
Don’t make people have to go to great measures to get what you have agreed to give them or what they reasonably expect to get from you. It puts them in an awkward position.
Don’t make people have to squeak for their oil. Anticipate or at least respond to the gentle requests.
Don’t ask for a minute of someone’s time when you probably need an hour. Play fair.
November 21st, 2010
It’s so tempting to downplay how long it should take for someone to help you when you ask for a favor. If you think about it, you often know that when you ask someone if they’ve “got a minute,” chances are you need ten minutes or a half-hour.
But when you say, “have you got a minute,” it makes it more difficult for the person you’re asking to refuse.
Be accurate in your estimates. If you shave the time to manipulate someone into helping, you’re shaving integrity from your character. You don’t need to know exactly how long it will take, but play fair and communicate as accurately as you can.
What not to say when someone responds “too” literally
November 3rd, 2010Some folks hear what you mean, and others hear what you say. I kept trying to get a web developer to tell me,
- How much work do you want to do for me?
He kept answering that he wanted to do a lot more than he could. Finally I realized it made no sense to repeat the question so I asked,
The answer was more concrete.
I could blame my developer for being so literal – but I decided that was me being lazy. Instead, I considered what I was really asking, and asked it.
Reader question: starting fresh when a negative employee returns from leave
November 3rd, 2010Meryl,
I have an employee that will be returning to work soon after leave. She does good work but has presented challenges in the past when it comes to getting along with co-workers. She has a spirit of negativity and will bad mouth and gossip and then twist it in her mind as someone else having a problem. She is easily hurt and holds grudges if she feels someone has wronged her or isn’t giving her enough attention. She is always trying to read people and tell them how they are feeling on any given day.
I am a listener and will hear her out but I don’t want to fall into this trap again. I think she interprets my listening as agreement and has at times sucked me into her negativity. I know I will need to have a chat with her when she returns to get her off on the right foot but I also know she will try to talk over me.
Meryl responds:
Remember this. You get what you tolerate.
Set clear boundaries in your own mind and PLEDGE to observe them. That means make a commitment from yourself to yourself not to listen when you feel victimized or trapped. Here are some phrases for you to personalize and polish.
And,
And,
The hardest part of this will be actually doing it – backing yourself up when she tries to get you to back down.
What to say when you need to point out a few flaws in an achievement
November 3rd, 2010
Ned knew Marla’s brochure was a major achievement for her. He also knew she wanted it to not just be good, but to be great. So he said,
He went on to congratulate her, tell he why he saw this as a major accomplishment and invited her to share her own excitement about it. It’s easy to get so task-oriented that we forget to consider what went into a major but still imperfect effort.
At the HEART of great communication is responsiveness – responding, not just to the work that still needs to be done, but also to honor the effort and achievement that was accomplished.
A business causal dress code is a kind of communication agreements
October 22nd, 2010
What is business casual?
As you know, I’m big on communication agreements.
And a business casual dress code is a kind of communication agreement. Clothes communicate volumes. But if I emphasize the business and you emphasize the casual, we might find our communication collides.
Diana Pemberton-Sikes writes a bit about it here - the page is a bit salesy for what I like to recommend, but you might find it useful.
And it might help you and others communicate better non-verbally through how you dress.
Company/customer pact SEO abuses underscore why integrity standards are so needed
October 22nd, 2010
Charlene Li and Jim Kouzes gave a great webinar on Leadership & Social Media. In it, Charlene mentioned The Company Customer Pact. I checked them out and want to pass the info on to you.
Charlene talked a lot about covenants with clients, employees and associates to remain open in their communication. It reminds me of my own communication standards.
.
It’s unfortunate that a site that invites businesses to sign a pact to assure integrity in communication has to remind people not to sign the pact in order to create links for search engines. That really misses the point – also makes it clear why this kind of affirmation of integrity is not assumed and very needed.
These standards are communication agreements for you to establish and commit to in order to assure mutual accountability. You can’t hold people accountable to assumptions you never made.
I wrote more about them in my PowerPhrases book.
Free podcast and upcoming webinar ask what is gossip? Not so black and white.
October 21st, 2010Right now there are two remaining tickets for my Perfect Phrases for Dealing with Gossip and Manipulation in the Workplace webinar. One of the things we will discuss is, just what is and isn’t gossip, anyway? Guess what – gossip is not black and white.
When I post about interactions I have in my life, changing names and detail to protect privacy, is it gossip?
When you ask a friend to help you figure out how to handle a conflict with another friend, is it gossip?
My husband gives me carte blanche to post about his foibles (along with my own, of course.) I have some friends who are very private, and if I post about anything that happens between us, I change it so much even they wouldn’t guess who it’s about. Private people often define gossip more narrowly than more open people do.
I recommend you establish communication agreements with friends, family and associates, and they should include privacy policies. I’ll talk about that in my Perfect Phrases for Dealing with Gossip and Manipulation in the Workplace webinar.
In the meantime, I created a short podcast about gossip on- The SpeakStrong Show. I’d love your feedback since it’s a first for me and my host Don.
Good question, why ARE you rambling on about that?
October 21st, 2010“Sue” called me to give me the great news about her new client. After about fifteen minutes of celebration, she started talking about the resistance of some of her client’s associates. She went on for several minutes about little snipes, imagined problems and other concerns that seemed unimportant in the scale of her great new venture with absolute support from her client. I was waiting for an opening to end the call since I had things to do, but Sue stopped herself and asked,
I took the question to be rhetorical and simply said, “there’s a lot to sort in any new relationship.” But had she called as a communication client, I would have turned the question back to her. It actually was a very good question.
The first four skills in my book SpeakStrong are about that very question. They are skills to make our communication conscious and to understand the real reason why we say things.
Was Sue rambling about the issues because of a habit of overthinking problems? Is she nervous about her role in the business? Does she simply have a habit of magnifying issues that she’s carrying into this situation? Is there something she needs to say that she isn’t?
The second four skills in my SpeakStrong book are about getting clear about the effect of our communication habits. What was she accomplishing by rambling? Well, for one thing, she lost my interest. Is that something that happens often? And is there a more productive way she could have discussed the issue – or did she need to talk about it at all?
Sue caught herself rambling before I needed to interrupt. I suspect she slipped into unconscious communication habits and something I said woke her up so she asked what I was ready to…
Only Sue asked it as a throwaway question. To me, it’s golden. Her answer would help me know how to best be a friend.
