March 24, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ The man I love (manager I support, etc.) keeps interrupting me
Ron chatted away as Becky packed a box for Ron to take to the post office. At one point, Ron asked Becky to work a little faster since he wanted to leave soon. Becky replied,
- I understand and I’m working as fast as I can. The man I love keeps interrupting me.
Sounds better than, I’ll get it done faster if you’ll shut up, doesn’t it?
Adjust ito to use at work – depending on your relationship with the person.
- The manager I support keeps interrupting me.
- Someone I respect is distracting me from the job.
- My friend keeps saying things I want to hear.
Of course you might want to simply say,
- While I want to hear what you have to say, I need to focus if I’m going to get this done.
March 17, 2009This Week in the World ~ Challenges of getting conscious
This has been a week of becoming conscious for many of my friends, clients, and for me. One person is becoming aware of how she shuts down around money management considerations. Another is becoming aware of how he turns everything into work with rules and expectations that keep him tied up in knots. Another is becoming aware of how she questions and doubts herself when people get angry with her – and of how some people use that trait to manipulate her. I relate to all three challenges.
Getting conscious is much like turning up the lights in a messy house. Turning up the lights doesn’t clean the house – it just lets you see the mess so you can start the process. If you stumble over things you didn’t see and you can’t find what you want, you’ll welcome the lights. If the mess isn’t creating enough problems, you might prefer to turn the lights back off and ignore the disorder.
For some, our messes – or unconsciousness areas – create enough problems that we have to deal with them. For others, the lights are going on whether they want them to or not. Either way, people are finding they can’t stay unconscious anymore. They, and we, are being forced to face ourselves.
That’s why I added the skill based approach of SpeakStrong to the paint-by-numbers approach of PowerPhrases. The quick fixes aren’t working quite as well these days. It’s time to turn up the lights.
Once you see the messes, how do you clean them up? You get the skills. Study money management. Replace the restrictive rules and expectations with less restrictive realistic guidelines. (SpeakStrong provides communication guidelines, not rules.) Get my Say What You Mean eCourse for a weekly lesson in developing communication skills, and get SpeakStrong for the “Best EQ book on the market.”
Things can look like they get worse before they get better. That’s because the lights go on. Ultimately, being conscious is a much better way to go through life than not.
New articles and new DVD for Assistants
I have a new article about priorities and getting conscious. It’s called,
Keep your eye on The Ball:
Puppy lessons about priorities, distractions and focus
I also have a new article for assistants.
Savvy Assistants SpeakStrong
Key Conversations for Administrative Assistants
My recent presentation to assistants is available in DVD and MP3 formats.
Speak STRONG, Smart, & Sweet
The 3 Sources of Power for Assistants to Master Tough Conversations
March 10, 2009Poison Phrase ~ Blame your assistant
Anna forgot what the due date was for a client project. She lost her client notes, so her friend suggested:
- Call the client and blame your assistant. Tell her your assistant misplaced your notes.
The assistants at the IAAP meeting I spoke at last night knew right away why that is a Poison Phrase. Too often, assistants are considered fair game for blame. It’s as if their professionalism doesn’t matter.
Besides being unfair to the assistant, that claim is simply a lie. Anna admitted to her error and the client had no problem with it.
February 17, 2009Meeting scheduling
Hi Meryl
My boss continually asks me to set up meetings with him and for him.
His schedule is way more booked than mine, so when I send him a meeting request, it’s usually declined and I have to keep trying dates until we find one that works. How can I put the burden of scheduling the meeting back on her? I don’t know how to ask.
Meryl Responds
Say,
- I’d be happy to schedule meetings if it was efficient, but since you know your schedule so much better than I do and my schedule is more open, it seems to take more time for both of us for me to do it. I’d prefer you set up your own meetings or at least suggest a few times for me so I don’t have to keep contacting you to find out what whether a time works for you or not. Does that sound reasonable?
Does this sound like it could work? Tell me how it goes.
February 3, 2009PowerPhrase ~ You’ve done everything he’s asked you to do and you’ve done it well. Why wouldn’t he keep piling work on you?
Nora is a skilled professional breaking into a new industry. She accepted an apprenticeship with Ned to get exposure in the field, learn the ropes and get connected. She agreed to less than a living wage to manage Ned’s office while she studied with him.
The situation did not turn out as Nora imagined. While she did learn some things from Ned, the vast majority of her time was spent doing grunt work that did not help her professionally. She was burning out on the work without getting the promised rewards. She spoke to Ned about it, but he kept piling projects on her that did not serve her goals.
Nora was frustrated and angry, but a friend pointed out a very simple reality.
- You’ve done everything he’s asked you to do and you’ve done it well. Why wouldn’t he keep piling work on you?
The lights went on for Nora – she was sending mixed messages. The message Ned received was – “I can get this work done at bargain basement prices. Sure, I might have to listen to Nora complain here and there, but so what?”
Nora’s friend told her just what she needed to hear to understand her own role in the situation – and to choose a different role. Nora asked Ned specifically for what she wanted from him (said what she meant) and she spoke in a way where he knew he had to work with her (she meant what she said.) She was grateful to her friend for speaking to her so clearly.
September 30, 2008Success Story ~ Discretionary Time
I used your suggestion involving the phrase “I have XX amount of discretionary hours this week…” with much success! I enjoy your newsletters and blog, thank you for continuing to write and speak with passion, clarity and grace.
September 1, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Impossible assignments
Meryl,
I despair of ever getting it from the theoretical to the practical It all seems so logical and easy to read about, but in the actual situation, the emotions are still driving.
I had a very bad week at work. On Tuesday my manager told me that I had to have a report written by Friday. I said that I didn’t think I could do it as it was such a big report (expecting ~ 30 pages). She said that she wanted it by Friday & that was it. So of course today is Friday & I wasn’t finished (it is difficult to stop the rest of the world – phone calls, rep visits, meetings, etc to concentrate solely on report writing). She was quite severe with me for not having it done & I regret I got upset & defensive & heated and started listing reasons why it was not complete & that it was simply too big a job to do in 3 days etc, and ended up in an argument. It was a very unpleasant encounter, and now all I want to do is find another job and get away.
I realize I have a responsibility for the failure – maybe I didn’t manage my time very well; maybe I could have turned away phone calls & reps; maybe I was unconsciously using them as excuses to put off a daunting task. I definitely find it very difficult to handle being criticized; I know that’s my problem. I really think I should look for another job because this is just not the right sort of job for me but it’s hard to know what job would be right for me.
So to the point, I was in the wrong, and now I have to apologies & try to cope with being in an unpleasant situation until I can find another job. How am I going to face her? I looked for some relevant material on the website but mostly found from the manager’s perspective with a difficult employee; I guess this is the situation with me the difficult employee but I was hoping for some help for my side
Meryl Responds:
I know the frustration of not living up to your own expectations. That reminds me of the saying that what matters is not how often you fall but how quickly you pick yourself back up when you do.
When the boss assigns an unreasonable deadline, let her know what will suffer for you to meet the deadline. For example, you can say,
- Between now and Friday I expect to have X hours of discretionary time. This report will require Y hours to complete properly. If I miss the rep meetings and let the phone go to voicemail I can squeeze another Z hours out to complete it. It won’t be the quality I’d like it to be, but it will be the best I can do. Do you want me to do that?
Another way to question an unreasonable deadline is to say,
- I can do a great job for you by Monday; or a rough job by Friday. What do you prefer?
Whenever you don’t communicate well, think of it as another chance to learn. Think of what you could have / would have said – not to chastise yourself; but to learn.
June 8, 2008Ask Meryl ~ how do I get my managers to listen to feedback?
Meryl.
I work in a Customer Support department of my company. We recently experienced a couple of layoffs, as well as a history of “ill feelings”, feelings of “us vs. them”, “mismanagement”, etc. I’m in the process of surveying the managers to ascertain what they feel the challenges are of their direct reports, and I’m also surveying the direct reports to ask them what they feel are challenges, as well as how they feel about the management. I’m getting some great feedback from the staff that I will share with the managers.
But I’m nervous…
At the risk of sounding like I’m “projecting”, I feel that I know how the manager meeting will go. I’ll start to read some of the anonymous feedback and they will respond in a few ways:
Read the rest of this question and Meryl’s response here.
February 5, 2008Ask Meryl ~ A boss without boundaries
Meryl,
My boss has poor boundaries, and with all the modern technology this is causing conflict with our private lives. She will email material to a person’s home even if it is not an emergency or agreed upon venue. Most recently I had an unexpected email to my personal account on a holiday! She calls cell phones (or regular phones) in the evening or on the weekend. Her claim is that as professionals we don’t work just a 40 hour week. That is true, but I and my colleagues are feeling that this is not appropriate and in fact is intrusive. How can we talk about this? In the age of instant messaging, what is too much?
Meryl responds
Really good question. The answer depends on what you’re willing to risk. Also, if your boss has bad boundaries and you’re tolerating them, you have bad boundaries.
What would happen if you ignored your boss’ calls and emails?
I send my assistant stuff at all hours, but he understands that I almost never expect a response evenings or weekends. On the rare occasions that I do, I let him know. But since I work strange hours, it’s nice to be able to pass stuff on when it’s ready for him.
What boundaries would you like?
I’d say,
- I respect your ability to work all hours. To perform well when I’m here, I need to regenerate, but I also want to be available when you really need me. Let’s work out some way for you to let me know if something you send me is critical, and I’ll do what I can to meet your needs, even after hours. And if it’s not marked urgent, I’ll get to it as soon as I get to the office. Does that work?
Basically it seems like she’s doing this because it works for her – and if it stops working, she’ll stop. So you could try ignoring some calls and emails and if she asks about it later, say,
- Oh, I didn’t think it was urgent. I planned to get on it this morning.
Or, you could respond to those things by asking,
- When do you need this?
If it’s not urgent you can say,
- I’ll get on it Monday.
Again, it depends on what you’re willing to risk. I see some offices where a few people set boundaries effectively, and everyone else thinks they have to give the boss what she wants when she wants it.
I bet my readers have some suggestions to add.
