September 2, 2010PowerPhrase: Mom, are you aware you’re dying? Are you ready?

You don’t know until you’ve been there, but other people’s experiences can help. how do you talk to people in their final days? How do you tell someone they’re dying?

I was deeply grateful when Deepak Chopra cut through the pervasive denial in 1986 and asked me,

• Are you aware that your husband has a terminal disease?

A Salon.com article has a post from a woman who posed a similar question to her mother.

• Are you aware you are dying?

The first time her mother wasn’t. The second time she was, and was able to respond yes, when the woman asked,

• Are you ready?

To me, idle small talk is painful when we are going through a major life transition. When death is too painful to talk about, it might even be more painful not to talk about.

August 31, 2010Poison Phrase: That’s nothing!

At a network event this evening, a woman was telling us about how a buffalo had escaped from a nearby slaughterhouse and was walking down West Colorado Avenue. (A fairly busy street in town.)

Another lady commented,

-That’s nothing,

And proceeded to talk about seeing an entire family of deer.

She caught herself and apologized for her dismissive comment. Grace was restored – and I got a new Poison Phrase to post.

That’s something!

August 31, 2010PowerPhrase: read it to me again. It makes me happy.

One friend in particular always leaves me feeling loved and supported. Today, the particular comment that warmed my heart came when I read him the introduction my editor wrote to another editor telling her how great I am. It touched my heart to read, but touched my heart even more when I shared it with this dear friend who replied by saying,

• Read it again. It makes me happy to hear it.

Which I gladly did. About as perfect a response as I could imagine. Can you imagine a world when we all responded to each other so tenderly?

August 19, 2010PowerPhrase: Can I help? Flight attendant takes baby from mother after slapping

Is she a hero, or intrusive? A flight attendant took a 7 month old baby from her mother when the mother slapped the baby for kicking her.

The father joined the flight attendant at the back of the plane and they soothed the infant to sleep.

This article talks about how helpless many people feel when faced with aggression toward children in public.

My guess from the article is the intervention is likely to lead to this mother to develop new parenting skills. I hope so.

One person is quoted in the article as suggesting that simply asking

• Can I help?

Often reduces the tension before it reaches that level.

I’m in the camp that applauds the flight attendant, but like everything else, it’s not black and white. If I felt a need to right every parenting wrong I see when I fly, I’d be very busy indeed. And intrusive. But there is a point where we know we can’t stay silent. We can start by offering help. I find myself playing a game of peek-a-boo with a restless child on just about every flight.

I can think of a few times in the past where I wish I had spoken up for a child. How about you?

August 19, 2010How to Talk to Your Doctor radio interview

Last week I gave an interview about being assertive with your doctor. Yesterday I had a long talk with a friend who had to practice that art under very difficult circumstances. To put it in her words, “it’s hard to argue with your doctor when an ambulance  he called without informing you is waiting for you.”

How assertive should you be with your doctor? And how do you prepare for a doctor visit in order to get the most out of the 15 minutes that the average appointment allows for? Since 85% of patients don’t get to finish their opening sentance how can you communicate in ways that get your concerns heard and give the doc the information he or she needs to treat you properly?

And how do you get establish a partnership relationship with your doctor? Is it even possible?

This was the topic for a radio show I interviewed for called Clint’s Cures.

You can hear the archive of our conversation here. It could make the difference between a successful doctor visit and a frustrating one.

You can also read an article about How to Talk to Your Doctor here.

August 19, 2010Success Story: Inviting him to share his funk instead of telling him what he feels

Meryl,

Last week you told me many men find a remark as simple as:

- Are you angry?

to be intrusive. You suggested they hear it as psychologizing, and get defensive. I was stunned, because when my girlfriends and I ask each other questions like that, we hear it as support.

So this week when my husband got bad news about a promotion he wanted, I was sweet to him, but I left him pretty much alone. I didn’t ask him about it. After several hours, he invited me for a cup of tea. Then, I simply asked how he was doing. He said he was struggling, and was forthcoming about what was going on for him.

In the past, my attempts to support him have gone south. He’d get defensive and I’d find myself thinking he should just get over it and lose any kind of compassion. Or ‘d try to fix it for him, which didn’t work for either of us. I was pleased we were able to connect this time, mainly because I didn’t pry.

August 19, 2010Reader Question: When Families Condemn – Stop the Toxic Gossip

Meryl,
My ex-brother-in-law left my sister 8 years ago. She was so angry, she exaggerated every wrong he ever when she complained to the family. I understood her anger, but she made herself out to be such an innocent victim that I found it hard to listen to. It was like his actions justified every bad thing she ever did to him.

The rest of the family took her side and her ex’s flaws have been a topic for discussion at every family gathering ever since. I’ve maintained a casual friendship with him and don’t like hearing him made out to be public enemy number one – especially since he’s been pretty active in my niece’s life. They tone it down when my niece is around, but generally I can count on at least five minutes of updates at every gathering on what bad news he is. Things like showing up ten minutes late to get my niece are turned into major offenses, and any time he has a different opinion about what’s good for my niece, they don’t just make him out to be wrong, they make him out to be evil. It smacks with self-righteousness and I want to defend him but if I do, they act like I don’t love my sister. What do I say when the gossip begins? 

Response,
Say,

• None of us is as bad as the worst thing we’ve ever done. I don’t condone what he did, but I don’t enjoy condemning him either.,
• I don’t need to hear this. I’ll come back later and see if the topic has changed.,
• I can see many sides to this story, but it seems you only want to discuss one side, so I’ll remove myself.
• I don’t think he’s perfect, but what does it say about us that after eight years we still find ourselves focusing so intensely on his flaws?
• It seems like if I don’t take sides you think I’m taking sides with him. I’d like to go on record to say that I love my sister, like my ex-brother-in-law, and don’t want to be in the middle of you.
• It’s interesting that (name) never talks about you (my sister) this way. He’s always very gracious in his comments.
• I’m afraid if I take any position other than that (name) is a monster in these conversations, that you’ll be talking about me this way when I’m not here. That has inhibited my honest for eight years now. I need to take ownership and let you know I don’t think he’s as bad as you make him out to be.

Tell me if any of these help. Also note that the last phrase is an important one for you to consider. Could it be that you owe him an apology for being in collusion all these years?

August 19, 2010Poison Phrase: Who told you that? Deflection and distraction.

August 18, 2010PowerPhrase: How about instead of being the older sister you be the bigger one too? Sally Forth

In today’s Sally Forth comic, Sally struggles with the fact that despite her warnings of certain failure, her sister’s new relationship with Sally’s nemesis coworker seems to be working. The new couple stays silent about their relationship, which Sally’s husband Ted suggests is due to the likelihood that Sally would respond self-righteously. He suggests,

• How about instead of being the older sister you be the bigger one too?

Good on Ted for inviting Sally to operate at a higher level.

Family members can often take self-righteousness to new perfected arts. I have a particularly tough time with self-righteous communication. What makes self-righteousness communication so challenging is the aggressive way it summarily dismisses any alternative perspectives.

Being the bigger person isn’t just mature- it’s also a big relief. It’s hard work to have to be right all the time. It’s also hard work for others to be declared wrong all the time – or to hold oneself in to avoid accusation. As a result, self-righteousness can isolate.

I love the wisdom from today’s Sally Forth. Whether we’re a parent that needs to let our kids find their own way or an older sister who needs to be a bigger person, everyone benefits when we get down from our pedestal and lose our preachiness.

Read more about the topic here; Losing My Preachiness: An Empowered New Communication

August 17, 2010AMC’s Mad Men almost a PowerPhrase: “I would appreciate it for the future if you did not say sh**y things about me behind my back.”

Well, he didn’t use a phrase I can quote verbatim here, but I loved the fact that Mad Men’scharacter Ken Cosgrove addressed his displeasure at discovering that the Pete was gossiping about him. He said,

• I would appreciate it for the future if you did not say sh***y things about me behind my back.

Pete danced and deflected, but then apologized sincerely, and the two men enjoyed honest interaction after that. In fact, Ken gave Pete an idea that turned out to be extremely lucrative. In this case, humility paid off. It usually does.

In true Speak Strong fashion, Ken said what he meant and meant what he said without being mean when he said it. He:

1) Stated what he wanted, (said what he meant)

2) Didn’t let Pete get away with deflection attempts, (meant what he said) and,

3) Was not unnecessarily shaming or harsh. Once he accomplished his mission, he let it go. He wasn’t mean when he said it.

I don’t have a problem with the expletive in this case because it almost certainly was appropriate to this culture. In another culture, it could trigger a reaction that would sabotage the effort.

I address gossip with clients when I help them establish communication agreements. When teams decide what kind of communication dynamics they want to have, they become more conscious of existing dynamics. When a group commits to steps to create collaborative communication cultures, the negative dynamics, like gossip, often drop off naturally. (I can guide the process with your group in a webinar format as well as in person.)

Some groups are comfortable with the expletives, but I have yet to find one that opts for gossip.

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