December 14, 2010I’ve moved! New Effective Communication Skill Blog
My PowerPhrase a Week blog is now my Effective Communication Skill blog. You are still welcome to search the posts in this blog and post comments here. I also invite you to visit my new blog here. It’s a new year, and I expect you’ll like the new SpeakSTRONG.
But don’t keep me guessing! Please comment to let me know. What do you like? What would you change? What would make it more useful to you?
Thanks for visiting, and keep on SpeakingSTRONG.
November 3, 2010What not to say when someone responds “too” literally
Some folks hear what you mean, and others hear what you say. I kept trying to get a web developer to tell me,
- How much work do you want to do for me?
He kept answering that he wanted to do a lot more than he could. Finally I realized it made no sense to repeat the question so I asked,
- How much work will you be able to do for me in the coming month?
The answer was more concrete.
I could blame my developer for being so literal – but I decided that was me being lazy. Instead, I considered what I was really asking, and asked it.
November 3, 2010Reader question: starting fresh when a negative employee returns from leave
Meryl,
I have an employee that will be returning to work soon after leave. She does good work but has presented challenges in the past when it comes to getting along with co-workers. She has a spirit of negativity and will bad mouth and gossip and then twist it in her mind as someone else having a problem. She is easily hurt and holds grudges if she feels someone has wronged her or isn’t giving her enough attention. She is always trying to read people and tell them how they are feeling on any given day.
I am a listener and will hear her out but I don’t want to fall into this trap again. I think she interprets my listening as agreement and has at times sucked me into her negativity. I know I will need to have a chat with her when she returns to get her off on the right foot but I also know she will try to talk over me.
Meryl responds:
Remember this. You get what you tolerate.
Set clear boundaries in your own mind and PLEDGE to observe them. That means make a commitment from yourself to yourself not to listen when you feel victimized or trapped. Here are some phrases for you to personalize and polish.
- I’ve been pondering something while you’re gone. I want to support you, but sometimes it feels like gossip. I don’t feel good about myself when I do that so I’ve made a commitment to myself not to do it anymore. Can I count on you to support me on this?
And,
- Most people like working here and I want to keep it that way. That means focusing on solutions, not problems. I’d like your help in developing that as a new habit.
And,
- If I heard someone else talking about you like this, I’d ask them to go directly to you. That’s my best suggestion for you now.
The hardest part of this will be actually doing it – backing yourself up when she tries to get you to back down.
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Related posts which may interest you
- 6 steps for turning problems (like gossip) into opportunities
- How to stop gossip at work. (Including your boss.) Free webinar.
- Gossip and Manipulation Webinar Slides and Archives are Available
- Reader Question ~ Usurping my authority
- Free podcast and upcoming webinar ask what is gossip? Not so black and white.
November 3, 2010What to say when you need to point out a few flaws in an achievement
Ned knew Marla’s brochure was a major achievement for her. He also knew she wanted it to not just be good, but to be great. So he said,
- Let’s celebrate your success here before we tweak it.
He went on to congratulate her, tell he why he saw this as a major accomplishment and invited her to share her own excitement about it. It’s easy to get so task-oriented that we forget to consider what went into a major but still imperfect effort.
At the HEART of great communication is responsiveness – responding, not just to the work that still needs to be done, but also to honor the effort and achievement that was accomplished.
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Related posts which may interest you
- AMC’s Mad Men almost a PowerPhrase: “I would appreciate it for the future if you did not say sh**y things about me behind my back.”
- Phrase got young employee to grow up and show up
- Praise Promotes Loyal Employees, Not Demanding Ones
- This Week in the World ~ Speak Strong book release, childrening, Jr. Achievement
- This Week in the World ~ Clean out your verbal and emotional closets
October 21, 2010Good question, why ARE you rambling on about that?
“Sue” called me to give me the great news about her new client. After about fifteen minutes of celebration, she started talking about the resistance of some of her client’s associates. She went on for several minutes about little snipes, imagined problems and other concerns that seemed unimportant in the scale of her great new venture with absolute support from her client. I was waiting for an opening to end the call since I had things to do, but Sue stopped herself and asked,
- Why am I rambling on about this?
I took the question to be rhetorical and simply said, “there’s a lot to sort in any new relationship.” But had she called as a communication client, I would have turned the question back to her. It actually was a very good question.
The first four skills in my book SpeakStrong are about that very question. They are skills to make our communication conscious and to understand the real reason why we say things.
Was Sue rambling about the issues because of a habit of overthinking problems? Is she nervous about her role in the business? Does she simply have a habit of magnifying issues that she’s carrying into this situation? Is there something she needs to say that she isn’t?
The second four skills in my SpeakStrong book are about getting clear about the effect of our communication habits. What was she accomplishing by rambling? Well, for one thing, she lost my interest. Is that something that happens often? And is there a more productive way she could have discussed the issue – or did she need to talk about it at all?
Sue caught herself rambling before I needed to interrupt. I suspect she slipped into unconscious communication habits and something I said woke her up so she asked what I was ready to…
- Why are you rambling on about this?
Only Sue asked it as a throwaway question. To me, it’s golden. Her answer would help me know how to best be a friend.
October 18, 2010Reader success story – What to say when the boss spews hate
My boss was on yet another rant about a particular ethnic group and why “They will be irrelevant in ten years” and how such and such political candidate should just tell this ethnic group to “Go F&@# themselves” and . . . You get the drift.
I have had it with this kind of talk. I’ve told him before, several times that I don’t appreciate this kind of language or this kind of hate-talk. He is a professional, who prides himself on his professionalism. Where does this kind of behavior fit into the image of a professional? GGGrrrrrrr.
On Thursday in mid-rant, I slammed my hand down on my desk and stood up. I looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve asked you before not to use that kind of language or hate-talk around me. I won’t listen to it.” Then I picked up my keys and my purse and started to edge around him to leave the office. He was too shocked to speak, but he didn’t move out of the way. While we were standing there (in a little stare-down), a consultant who works in our office walked up and started to tell an off-color joke. I looked directly at my boss and said, “It’s because you use the language you do, that he feels comfortable telling jokes like this. I won’t listen to this.” I left for an early lunch and didn’t return until after 1:30. My boss was waiting at his desk to apologize.
I think my point is that, in the past I had been asking him to stop. By taking active steps, standing up and picking up my purse and keys, I declared that I wouldn’t listen. I was taking away his audience. When he saw the consultant mimicking his behavior and I attributed it directly to his own words, I believe he saw the light. My leaving was just the punctuation. I don’t like confrontation and I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t feel strong enough to hang around after making my point. I sort of feel like I pulled a punch-and-run. If I was able to make this one tiny change in my workplace, I’ll be happy. Thanks again for the courage.
October 18, 2010What to say when you want to offer some advice: tips from @danmulern
It’s about getting permission before you tell someone what to do. Otherwise they might hear suggestions as put-downs, harangue or second guessing. Dan Mulhern offered these phrases in his Reading for Leading blog.
- Are you open to some coaching?
- Are you open to some advice?
- Can I share something I’ve seen?
- Are you interested in hearing something, cuz I think I can offer you something that’s useful for you at work (or with your friends or at school)?
This is for work and home – my husband and i preface our input with requests for permission too. One we commonly use is,
- Can I make a suggestion?
It’s a sign of respect.
Check out Dan’s post for what to do if the answer is “no.”
October 16, 2010Sometimes storming out is a PowerPhrase: A view of The View
Thursday, Joy Beher and Whoopi Goldberg angrily walked off the set of The View when an interview with Bill O’Reilly degenerated into a shouting match. They received praise and criticism for walking out.
One of my principles is: A PowerPhrase is as Strong as it needs to be and no stronger. I was searching my site when I found the following reader success story from 2007.
My boss was on yet another rant about a particular ethnic group and why “They will be irrelevant in ten years” and how such and such political candidate should just tell this ethnic group to “Go F&@# themselves” and . . . You get the drift.
I have had it with this kind of talk. I’ve told him before, several times that I don’t appreciate this kind of language or this kind of hate-talk. He is a professional, who prides himself on his professionalism. Where does this kind of behavior fit into the image of a professional? GGGrrrrrrr.
On Thursday in mid-rant, I slammed my hand down on my desk and stood up. I looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve asked you before not to use that kind of language or hate-talk around me. I won’t listen to it.” Then I picked up my keys and my purse and started to edge around him to leave the office. He was too shocked to speak, but he didn’t move out of the way. While we were standing there (in a little stare-down), a consultant who works in our office walked up and started to tell an off-color joke. I looked directly at my boss and said, “It’s because you use the language you do, that he feels comfortable telling jokes like this. I won’t listen to this.” I left for an early lunch and didn’t return until after 1:30. My boss was waiting at his desk to apologize.
I think my point is that, in the past I had been asking him to stop. By taking active steps, standing up and picking up my purse and keys, I declared that I wouldn’t listen. I was taking away his audience. When he saw the consultant mimicking his behavior and I attributed it directly to his own words, I believe he saw the light. My leaving was just the punctuation. I don’t like confrontation and I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t feel strong enough to hang around after making my point. I sort of feel like I pulled a punch-and-run. If I was able to make this one tiny change in my workplace, I’ll be happy. Thanks again for the courage.
I like what the reader says – her walking out was punctuation.
In the reader’s case, it was a point well taken. In the case of The View, I have other thoughts about it.
October 13, 2010What to say when you want to share an opinion without sounding bossy
Carla often is overbearing with her husband Jim. She is prone to talk like she’s his mother and tell him what to do. He then either complies or resists, but it hijacks his ability to be decisive in the relationship.
When she decided she wanted them to sell a trailer they had for years and hadn’t used, she said,
- I can see reasons to keep it and more reasons not to. If you were to decide to sell the trailer, I would support your decision.
Several days later, Jim came to Carla and said, “I’ve decided we should sell the trailer.”
Of course the only way this communication is honest, is if she would respect his decision to keep the trailer if that’s what he decided. Trading control for influence does have its risks.
October 11, 2010Reinventing yourself is less interesting than embracing and expressing your authentic self
Reinvention is a hot topic these days. Everyone is busy transforming themselves. Not me. I’m becoming more of who I already am. I invite you to join me. Start with
- Clearing
Get rid of old habits of being who we’re not.
- Clarifying
Let who we are unfold in no uncertain terms.
- Committing
Putting our heart (coeur in French, or courage) into expressing who we are.
- Caring
Put out heart into the world and aligning our personal expression with compassion for others
And
- Communion-icating.
Expressing ourselves in ways that take the person we’re talking to into account.
But reinventing?
Reinventing carries the risk that it will discard parts of your essence and create a new image to replace an old image rather than empowering who you are at the core. It doesn’t quite fit the dynamic process of unfolding that my community and I experience. We believe image matters but image certainly isn’t everything.
The SpeakStrong Method of Dynamic Communication isn’t about reinventing ourselves. It’s about potentiating what we already have and who we already are. I’ve always seen the world from my own angle, haven’t you?
That’s so much more powerful than reinventing ourselves, don’t you think? It’s dynamic, too.
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Related posts which may interest you
- PowerPhrase of the Week ~ You
- Do you care too much? Jann Arden’s “Insensitive” seeks insensitivity lessons. HT be appropriately sensitive.
- A few tickets left for my how to stop gossip webinar with McGraw HIll
- PowerPhrase ~ That’s why I say…
- New Communication Dynamics @Smartmemes: SpeakStrong e.g. admins change office power memes while negotiating workload
