July 31, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Who asked you?

July 28, 2008Ask Meryl ~ How game are you?

A reader asks: Meryl,

You are an incredibly brave person for putting your written words on the line on a regular basis. For that I commend you. I’m sure you receive a lot of criticism and the fact that you stick with it is incredible. It is for this reason that I had to ask myself if I was in your position would I find this suggestion helpful, well I decided yes, so I hope you do as well.

You were expounding on your ability to give, content of, and willingness to do corporate seminars. You finished the statement with “So, yes, I do speak in corporations and at conventions. And I would love to speak at yours. I’m game if you are.” My issue is with “if”. I don’t know you personally however I’m willing to wager that you are always “game”, and there really isn’t an “if.” What do you think about “I’m game, are you?”

I would appreciate your feedback, when you have time, as I’m constantly trying to improve my communication skills. Especially now that I’ve just found out I’m going to be a father and it seems more important than ever to have the skills to use around my child so I can say “do what I say AND what I do” I prefer to be a mentor than a dictator when the time comes.

Meryl responds,

I’m not so brave. I am passionate and determined, and that overrides my fearfulness. I am no braver than most people I know. But thanks for the compliment.

You make a brilliant discerning point. My choice of words predicated my willingness on theirs. Your question made me wonder if I said what I meant.

In my persistence to promote the seminar I’m sponsoring, I knock on doors of people who don’t seem to be game, and then I knock again. And again. Sometimes the doors give way and open. Other times I decide they aren’t “my target market” and speak to those who are.

I’m very much in favor of speaking to those who want to hear what you have to say - but I also know sometimes it takes a few attempts for them to know they want to hear it.

I suppose the best choice of words would be:

• I’m game if you are - even if you don’t know you are yet.

July 10, 2008Ask Meryl ~ God Bless

A reader wrote: When I learned a coworker’s spouse was terminally ill, I said, “God bless the family.” My supervisor later told me not to practice my religion in the workplace.

What should I have said?

Meryl Responds: I think the phrase “God bless” is used as a generally expression of sympathy and well wishes and isn’t considered to be religious. That said, I suppose an atheist would feel excluded in a world where theism is so the norm. Perhaps you could say,

• I see the phrase “God bless” as being an general expression of good will, not an expression of any particular faith. I’m curious why it’s an issue for you.

I personally would be very curious as to what his concerns are.

Readers?

July 8, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Coworker from hell?

Meryl,
My division director asked us all to anonymously answer the following questions:
1. Describe the best team player you ever worked with.
2. Describe the co-worker from hell.
I appreciate #1 because I can state something positive. It’s #2 that I have a problem with. I choose not to answer because there is belittling & backbiting in our unit. I believe that #2 will add to the situation & allow staff to imagine another employee & make fun of them in print even though there will not be a name mentioned.

I would like to turn my paper in with such a response that makes management consider what they are encouraging.

Meryl Responds,
I applaud you for questioning the process. I agree it’s a destructive, black and white question. If it was asking about a behavior, I’d be okay with it, but it invites you to stereotype and classify the employee as if they have no redeeming qualities.

If you’re willing to be playful and don’t think it would offend anyone, you could say,

• Instead of an employee, I’d like to nominate a question from hell – which is one that requires me to classify my colleague as being from hell.  I’m teasing, of course, and I do understand and respect the intent of the exercise. It is valuable to identify challenging behaviors. However, I am uncomfortable with responding to the question as posed.

If that sounds too testy, tone it down a tad. Say,

• I am uncomfortable with responding to the question as posed.  I face challenges with a number of co-worker behaviors, but I can’t say I have any co-workers from hell.

June 26, 2008Ask Meryl ~ The 8-5-ers don’t get it

Meryl,

I work in an Account Management Department of a company that administers employee benefits and is heavily reliant on client relationships.    Account Managers are the Face of the Company to our clients.  We are frequently out of the office with clients and oftentimes work late, early, or both, again, with clients.  Overnight travel is often required.  After a road trip or a late night, the account manager has the flexibility of coming later, going home earlier, and so forth.  We are not hourly employees, but rather get the job done regardless of the time needed.  During slower times, we enjoy this flexibility. During busy times, we work our tails off.

The rest of the company is essentially an 8 to 5 operation and it has become very popular to ‘bash’ account managers about not being in the office, never in the office, out to lunch, etc.  This is hurtful, insensitive and fails to take into account the longer hours often required, working on the road, etc.  I need a comeback for those folks who think that if you are not at your desk, then you are not working.

I am sure outside sales people experience similar treatment.

Your thoughts?

Meryl says,

Use the think / feel / want formula.

For example:

When you make comments like that, I think you don’t understand how hard we work on the road. I feel belittled. I want us to respect the challenges and circumstances of each other’s jobs.

You can fill in the thoughts, feeling and request with whatever applies best.

June 19, 2008Poison Phrase of the Week ~ No

Meryl,
I recently overheard a telephone conversation between my colleague (A) and someone (B) from another department, and have since been wondering whether a reply of No is a poison or a power phrase.
I heard A’s side of the conversation. B asked A to give a presentation. (This is not a role A is normally expected to do, ie. is not part of his job description). His reply was a simple

“No”.

He was perfectly polite, but did not give any reasons for declining. B asked in a surprised tone “No?” , and A replied “no” again. B asked “is there anyone else who could do it?” and A replied “you could ask xxx” (the manager). B then asked another person in the department (not the manager) who also declined but gave a reason.

Since then, A said that B seems to have taken offence and is now ignoring him. B told me “I could have fluffed it out e.g. say I was too busy - but I didn’t want her to get the impression I would do it in the future”.
I’m in 2 minds (but leaning towards no. 1):
1. It was a power phrase because he said what he meant, meant what he said, but wasn’t mean when he said it
2. It was a poison phrase because B took offence.
What do you think - was his simple “no” a poison or a power phrase?

Meryl responds:
A PowerPhrase is as long as it needs to be and no longer. Your colleague’s response is so short that it comes across as blunt and abrupt. When relationships are at all personal in nature, as it is among colleagues, that can destroy good will.

While he shouldn’t err on the side of explanations to the point of self-justification, a simple,

• Thanks for asking. My main job responsibilities keep me too busy to take on presentations, so I’ll decline.

…is clear without coming across like a bucket of cold water.

June 19, 2008Ask Meryl ~ telemarketer tribulations

Meryl

It seems like telemarketers are constantly calling my house soliciting donations. I respect the people who are placing the calls, and often I respect the charities they represent. However my husband and I have specific charities we have selected to donate to, and it is not in our budget to add new charities to our list. When I try to explain this, it seems that the telemarketers take that as an invitation to dialogue, and they continue to try to persuade me until I’m forced to be more blunt.

I’d like to come up with something short and sweet that respects the telemarketer and his/her organization, but leaves no room for continued discussion. Any ideas?

Meryl responds

They’ve been trained to treat anything you say as an invitation to dialogue, and to take advantage of your desire to be polite - even when someone is being disrespectful to you. Even if the cause is a good one, you don’t have an obligation to justify your decision.

Say,

• I’m not interested, and please take me off your list.

If you want to add

• Although I respect what you do, I won’t be adding you to my charity list

you can, but you really don’t need to. Even if the cause is worthy, at this point they’re playing a power game. If you are invested in playing a heart game, they’ll be able to manipulate you. Just be courteous in your directness.

Usually when I ask to be removed from a list, they stop talking. But whether they stop or not, I consider the conversation over and hang up.

June 8, 2008Ask Meryl ~ how do I get my managers to listen to feedback?

Meryl.

I work in a Customer Support department of my company. We recently experienced a couple of layoffs, as well as a history of “ill feelings”, feelings of “us vs. them”, “mismanagement”, etc. I’m in the process of surveying the managers to ascertain what they feel the challenges are of their direct reports, and I’m also surveying the direct reports to ask them what they feel are challenges, as well as how they feel about the management. I’m getting some great feedback from the staff that I will share with the managers.

But I’m nervous…

At the risk of sounding like I’m “projecting”, I feel that I know how the manager meeting will go. I’ll start to read some of the anonymous feedback and they will respond in a few ways:

Read the rest of this question and Meryl’s response here.

May 22, 2008Ask Meryl ~ References

Hi Meryl,

Normally when someone wants to use me as a reference he/she asks my permission first. Recently someone told me she used me as a reference and I was dumbfounded.

Although she is a nice person I’ve had problems with her not keeping her word and being irresponsible. It wouldn’t be such an issue except for the fact that I am close with her parents and don’t want to cause any problems (although they are aware of the above issues in their own dealings with her). I was wondering if you could suggest a way for me to let her know in a kind way that I don’t want to be used as a reference.

Meryl Responds,

You could say,

• There have been times when you haven’t kept your word with me. I don’t know if that’s your usual MO, but if someone calling for a reference were to ask me about your reliability, I would have to tell the truth based on my own experience. You need to know that if you use me as a reference.

I believe being truthful is the kindest way, because she needs to know why you’re reluctant.

If you prefer to be more general, you can say,

• I’m very conservative about who I give references to. I need to be familiar with their work and able to assure the employer the candidate would be a really good choice for the position. I don’t know enough about your work to be able to do that, so I don’t want to be a reference for you.

I hope this helps.

May 19, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Just an excuse

Meryl, I’m looking for a response to the statement “That’s just an excuse.”  If I’m asked why something happened (or didn’t), I usually reply with what I believe are the facts.  Every so often, and usually by the same individual, I get the reply “that’s just an excuse” or “don’t give me an excuse.”  It makes me wonder if he’s really asking me to answer the question literally, or if he wants me to say something else entirely.  Any thoughts?

Meryl responds:  When I explain a mistake, delay or other event, I sometimes say,

• This is a reason, not an excuse.

 My point is to let them know what happened without using it to explain away any personal responsibility. You could use that phrase when accused of making excuses.

A longer version would be:

• I just replied with my best accounting of the facts. Why would you dismiss my explanation as an excuse? Are you suggesting that I am trying to cover my tail?

Or:

• Actually, if I was trying to make excuses, I would say x,y and z. I was attempting to give you the best answer to your question that I could.

Of course, you do need to be sure you’re not making excuses for it to be effective.

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