November 3, 2010Reader question: starting fresh when a negative employee returns from leave

Meryl,

I have an employee that will be returning to work soon after leave. She does good work but has presented challenges in the past when it comes to getting along with co-workers. She has a spirit of negativity and will bad mouth and gossip and then twist it in her mind as someone else having a problem. She is easily hurt and holds grudges if she feels someone has wronged her or isn’t giving her enough attention. She is always trying to read people and tell them how they are feeling on any given day.

I am a listener and will hear her out but I don’t want to fall into this trap again. I think she interprets my listening as agreement and has at times sucked me into her negativity. I know I will need to have a chat with her when she returns to get her off on the right foot but I also know she will try to talk over me.

Meryl responds:

Remember this. You get what you tolerate.

Set clear boundaries in your own mind and PLEDGE to observe them. That means make a commitment from yourself to yourself not to listen when you feel victimized or trapped. Here are some phrases for you to personalize and polish.

• I’ve been pondering something while you’re gone. I want to support you, but sometimes it feels like gossip. I don’t feel good about myself when I do that so I’ve made a commitment to myself not to do it anymore. Can I count on you to support me on this?

And,

• Most people like working here and I want to keep it that way. That means focusing on solutions, not problems. I’d like your help in developing that as a new habit.

And,

• If I heard someone else talking about you like this, I’d ask them to go directly to you. That’s my best suggestion for you now.

The hardest part of this will be actually doing it – backing yourself up when she tries to get you to back down.

October 10, 2010What to say when the HOA president is overbearing

Dear Meryl:

Whenever I see, talk to, or even hear about my HOA president, it either makes me mad and/or makes me roll my eyes. While I know that I will never be friends with him, we do live in the same community and I would like interactions to be cordial. I empathize that being an HOA president is not an easy job however, it is a job he sought out 5 yrs ago and continues to hold because no one else wants it. He chooses to do a lot of physical work around the community himself, without asking for help, even though at every meeting people ask how they can help.

The root of my issues with him is that he is pompous and speaks down to anyone when they question his actions/reasons. He gets very defensive, raises his voice, speaks over you, talks, talks, and talks some more. A typical meeting is suppose to be 1 hr, but is usually almost 2 hrs because of his long-winded, metaphoric, off-topic soliloquies. Help! How can his communication be addressed without being mean?

Response:

At first I thought this might be an issue that would better be left alone – that if the price of having someone doing work no one else wants is an extra hour at a meeting, so be it. That you might consider letting him have his martyrdom and focus on people whom you relate well to and address martyrdom when it comes from people who are using it to avoid pitching in rather than those who are trying to leverage actual contribution.

But on second thought, I figure it’s always good practice, and who knows – maybe you can turn it productive.

Truthfully, it sounds like you need a bigger fix. You need a group effort to set standards of communication and agreements of how your meetings will be run. That will include having a meeting facilitator who is NOT the president. The standards would include agreements about what to do when someone interrupts, how to address someone who goes off topic, and other issues that this man brings to light, but not directed toward him. I suggest you lobby for support for the idea outside meetings and then raise it some way like this.

• Our meetings are longer and less productive than scheduled. I propose we adopt some protocols that all agree to that will keep us focused.

You could also say something like,

• I’ve become aware that many of us don’t look forward to our meetings because they drag on too long, and are unproductive. We’ve come up with some suggestions of how to fix that.

This will work best if you and someone else have proposed guidelines/solutions to start with.

If you don’t want to go that route, here are some phrases to use in a more piecemeal way.

• (Name,) I need your help. Meetings are going over. How do you suggest we could make them more efficient?

To address a potential underlying cause of the longwinded nature.

• (Name,) do you think we don’t appreciate what you do? I get that impression from some things you say.  I’d like to begin meetings with a summary of what you do, and keep our discussions short enough that we get out of here on time.

To address talking over you, get others to agree to support this effort.

• (Name,) I wasn’t done yet. Please let me finish.

To address long-windedness, again, get the support of others on this.

• (Name,) please stay on topic.

I definitely would address the putdowns. Something like,

• That sounded like a put-down. Do you mean it that way?

Again, I encourage you to address the larger issue by exploring what kind of communication standards your association can create to make your meetings more productive.

Let me know what you think.

September 23, 2010Reader Question: Because I told you so

Meryl, I was just reading the part of your SpeakStrong book where you ask the reader “How many of us heard, ‘Because I said so!’ as a child?” That made me start thinking deep thoughts about how serious of a Poison Phrase that is.

Obviously it depends on the situation. In general, pronouncements carry a lot more weight if the speaker is willing to back it up with sound logic. But as a parent, I often find myself resorting to “Because I said so!”, not because I am refusing to share my reasoning, but because kids will often keep up the resistance, and the questioning, long after you’ve given what should be an adequate explanation. For example…

“Can we go to the baseball card store now?”

“No, not today.”

“But why?”

“You had band after school. We took your brother to soccer and we have to get him in an hour. Now you need to get some homework done before you have scouts tonight.”

“But I can do homework later. And you said we have an hour. That’s plenty of time to go to the baseball card store.”

“No. It’s 20 minutes each way, so you wouldn’t have much time there. And I don’t want to spend all afternoon running around anyway.”

“But I haven’t been in two weeks! And there’s no traffic this time of day. It would probably only take 15 minutes each way.”

“No. I want to spend some time at home. And I need to start dinner.”

Etc, etc, etc… Brent, in particular, can keep throwing out arguments until the cows come home. And it seems like a big waste of time to keep dishing out answers to his questions.

So I wonder… Could it be that “Because I said so!” would be a Poison Phrase if used at the beginning of a conversation because it would be used for evasive purposes, but it wouldn’t be a Poison Phrase if used after it became clear that the kid wasn’t receptive to your answers anyway? In fact, then it might even constitute a Power Phrase. It’s like a more polite way of saying “Shut up!”

Meryl responds:
While I agree it’s very different and far more poisonous when used as avoidance and to shut down any discussion, than after you’ve given reasons that they’re arguing with, I still think there are better, more honest ways to respond at that point too. “Because I said so” could be replaced with

• Because I don’t want to

which you said twice in this example.

There’s a difference between someone trying to collaborate with you to make it work for you to give them what they want, and someone trying to wear down your resistance. As soon as you get the sense that’s what’s happening, I’d address it. . I suggest you tap into the say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it, remembering think, feel and want. For example,

• I think you’re trying to wear me down. That feels very unpleasant to me. I want you to accept my decision.

Not only is it more honest, but it models better communication than a blanket dismissal.

September 16, 2010Reader Question: Do I have to hype my value to succeed?

Meryl, I had a meltdown the other day. I’ve been talking to coaches who are trying to get me to make grandiose claims about what I can do for clients and to package my work in ways I don’t feel good about. I do great work, and yet I see people who don’t have half my expertise or track record getting contracts with hyped up promises. Do I need to hype my value to be successful?

Meryl responds:
If by success, you mean getting people to pay more than you’re worth based on false expectations, then, yes, you just might need to hype your value. If by success you mean getting fairly rewarded for the benefits you do provide, then my answer is no. But you may need to make the value of what you do more concrete by blowing your horn in creative and specific ways. I think about the book N@ked Consultant that portrays the author’s consulting practice in interesting story form.

Watch what the hypers do and find an ethical way to adapt – not adopt – their methods.

August 19, 2010Reader Question: When Families Condemn – Stop the Toxic Gossip

Meryl,
My ex-brother-in-law left my sister 8 years ago. She was so angry, she exaggerated every wrong he ever when she complained to the family. I understood her anger, but she made herself out to be such an innocent victim that I found it hard to listen to. It was like his actions justified every bad thing she ever did to him.

The rest of the family took her side and her ex’s flaws have been a topic for discussion at every family gathering ever since. I’ve maintained a casual friendship with him and don’t like hearing him made out to be public enemy number one – especially since he’s been pretty active in my niece’s life. They tone it down when my niece is around, but generally I can count on at least five minutes of updates at every gathering on what bad news he is. Things like showing up ten minutes late to get my niece are turned into major offenses, and any time he has a different opinion about what’s good for my niece, they don’t just make him out to be wrong, they make him out to be evil. It smacks with self-righteousness and I want to defend him but if I do, they act like I don’t love my sister. What do I say when the gossip begins? 

Response,
Say,

• None of us is as bad as the worst thing we’ve ever done. I don’t condone what he did, but I don’t enjoy condemning him either.,
• I don’t need to hear this. I’ll come back later and see if the topic has changed.,
• I can see many sides to this story, but it seems you only want to discuss one side, so I’ll remove myself.
• I don’t think he’s perfect, but what does it say about us that after eight years we still find ourselves focusing so intensely on his flaws?
• It seems like if I don’t take sides you think I’m taking sides with him. I’d like to go on record to say that I love my sister, like my ex-brother-in-law, and don’t want to be in the middle of you.
• It’s interesting that (name) never talks about you (my sister) this way. He’s always very gracious in his comments.
• I’m afraid if I take any position other than that (name) is a monster in these conversations, that you’ll be talking about me this way when I’m not here. That has inhibited my honest for eight years now. I need to take ownership and let you know I don’t think he’s as bad as you make him out to be.

Tell me if any of these help. Also note that the last phrase is an important one for you to consider. Could it be that you owe him an apology for being in collusion all these years?

July 18, 2010Reader question about handling office gossip

Reading your article about handling gossip, I cannot see how stating that “anyone found gossiping will be dismissed” would work. How would you prove this? You would need to tape conversations and that would not be honest, so even threatening it gives little credence to the manager’s words.

Response:

What it did was give the people who were being drawn into it an external reason not to engage. But I wasn’t giving Steve’s approach a full endorsement. It was an example of a way that worked with some limitations.

I’ll make more distinctions at the July 27th webinar. Register at www.perfectphrases.com.

July 13, 2010Reader question: A Cold Case – and office whiner

A reader asks:

Someone in my office is always cold.  That’s the focus of her day. I’d really like to know what she wears at home because the office is always 72-74 degrees .

Response:

I relate to this question of dealing with anyone who complains rather than doing anything about a problem. I have a friend who complains about being broke when I talk to him, but whenever I suggest ideas for his business, he is insulted that I would try to advise him, and will preemptively dismiss any suggestions I have. Sound familiar?

Here’s what I’d say.

• When I hear you complain about being cold, it frustrates me, because I want to help but feel powerless to do anything. It seems to me that there are some things you can do to keep warm that you don’t do.  So unless you have a clear idea of how I can help you, please don’t complain to me about it.

Another approach might be,

• What do you want me to do with that information?

Or:

• I understand you’re cold. What can you do about it?

I like the first approach best, myself.

July 6, 2010Reader Question: A graceless new manager

Our new boss of less than 30 days has a terrible approach when one of us is needed in her office. Rather than email, set up meeting times in advance, or simply walking over to our desks (which are approximately 10 steps from her office), she will yell for us by name and wait until we come to her call. She does this anywhere that she feels is a distance still within earshot. It makes us feel like little children being called by our mother and it causes us to feel disrespected. Add to this the fact that she is a 6 foot tall and has no problems cussing people out and swearing constantly, and this situation is unfortunately intimidating.

I have twice been very close to asking her not to take that approach with me (and think my co-workers should speak to her for themselves) but I really feel that I don’t have the right words in order not to offend or reveal that I am offended .I need a powerphrase or the best approach to this issue that is increasingly bothersome.

Response:

Instead of telling her not to do what she’s doing, I suggest you invite her to do something different. Say,

• When you need me, could you (email, walk over to my desk, set up advance meetings) etc.?

I will tell you that I can see a case for how she does it, at the same time as I  can understand why you don’t care for it at all. As far as the cussing goes, I would not tolerate that a single time. Some phrases:

• I am a professional and I expect to be treated as one.
• This is inappropriate. Let’s speak to each other as professionals.
• I care about the issue, but when you speak to me this way, I find it difficult to focus on a solution.
• I want to be sure I heard you correctly, because I am documenting what you say. Did you just tell me to (expletive?)
• Stop. You may have a point but your language is unacceptable.

I have lots more phrases in my PowerPhrases book. As a gentler soul, I have trouble with this kind of behavior too. It always helps me to remember that what is rude and nasty in my familiar culture is considered more normal in others.

May 19, 2010Reader questions how to address ungrateful young subordinate

Meryl,

I saved my secretary’s job, get her time off, and generally look out for her, but have yet to receive a thank-you. I find this hard to deal with. I grew up in a generation by parents who expected you to show respect for those in authority positions. How can I deal with her ungraciousness?

Reply,

I’d ask her about it. Not from the platform of authority, but individuals. Don’t pull rank, but do be human. Say something like,

• I was happy to stand up for your job, and am happy to help you in other ways. But I’m curious why you don’t say thank-you. It takes some of the fun out of it for me, and also makes me wonder if you appreciate what I do or not. Do you have an issue with me that keeps you from acknowledging me? Is there something we need to discuss here?

Think of yourselves as being on a team together and this as the kind of discussion team members have.

Does this help? What do you think?

May 4, 2010Phrases to deal with moody, buzz-killing coworker

Meryl,

How do I address a moody coworker? Some days she’s fine, and other days she stops speaking to every one, is short and whines constantly.

Response

I respond differently based on the individual circumstance.

I’d start by expressing concern. Since she is great some days, you can say,

• You don’t seem like your usual cheerful (contented, good-natured) self today. Is anything wrong?

When my hubby or I are grumpy, we might say,

• Who are you, and what have you done with my loving spouse?

That approach is best if there is a trusting foundation.

She might have a legitimate beef that she doesn’t know how to bring up. In that case, I’d make it easy to talk. Something like,

• Is there something bothering you we need to talk about?

If she complains about something of her own making or something she has the power to change, I’d say,

• Either do something about it or stop complaining.

Or, say what you mean and mean what you say, without being mean when you say it. For me that might be,

• When you get sullen, I want to help but I don’t know what to do, so I get frustrated. And it puts a damper on the whole office. Will you tell me it there’s something I can do?

Ultimately, however, it’s up to us to maintain or own equanimity. Often this is an issue because of a codependence that wants to control the responses of others because we haven’t figured out how to be the creator of our own stories and mood.

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