August 19, 2010Reader Question: When Families Condemn – Stop the Toxic Gossip

Meryl,
My ex-brother-in-law left my sister 8 years ago. She was so angry, she exaggerated every wrong he ever when she complained to the family. I understood her anger, but she made herself out to be such an innocent victim that I found it hard to listen to. It was like his actions justified every bad thing she ever did to him.

The rest of the family took her side and her ex’s flaws have been a topic for discussion at every family gathering ever since. I’ve maintained a casual friendship with him and don’t like hearing him made out to be public enemy number one – especially since he’s been pretty active in my niece’s life. They tone it down when my niece is around, but generally I can count on at least five minutes of updates at every gathering on what bad news he is. Things like showing up ten minutes late to get my niece are turned into major offenses, and any time he has a different opinion about what’s good for my niece, they don’t just make him out to be wrong, they make him out to be evil. It smacks with self-righteousness and I want to defend him but if I do, they act like I don’t love my sister. What do I say when the gossip begins? 

Response,
Say,

• None of us is as bad as the worst thing we’ve ever done. I don’t condone what he did, but I don’t enjoy condemning him either.,
• I don’t need to hear this. I’ll come back later and see if the topic has changed.,
• I can see many sides to this story, but it seems you only want to discuss one side, so I’ll remove myself.
• I don’t think he’s perfect, but what does it say about us that after eight years we still find ourselves focusing so intensely on his flaws?
• It seems like if I don’t take sides you think I’m taking sides with him. I’d like to go on record to say that I love my sister, like my ex-brother-in-law, and don’t want to be in the middle of you.
• It’s interesting that (name) never talks about you (my sister) this way. He’s always very gracious in his comments.
• I’m afraid if I take any position other than that (name) is a monster in these conversations, that you’ll be talking about me this way when I’m not here. That has inhibited my honest for eight years now. I need to take ownership and let you know I don’t think he’s as bad as you make him out to be.

Tell me if any of these help. Also note that the last phrase is an important one for you to consider. Could it be that you owe him an apology for being in collusion all these years?

July 18, 2010Reader question about handling office gossip

Reading your article about handling gossip, I cannot see how stating that “anyone found gossiping will be dismissed” would work. How would you prove this? You would need to tape conversations and that would not be honest, so even threatening it gives little credence to the manager’s words.

Response:

What it did was give the people who were being drawn into it an external reason not to engage. But I wasn’t giving Steve’s approach a full endorsement. It was an example of a way that worked with some limitations.

I’ll make more distinctions at the July 27th webinar. Register at www.perfectphrases.com.

July 13, 2010Reader question: A Cold Case – and office whiner

A reader asks:

Someone in my office is always cold.  That’s the focus of her day. I’d really like to know what she wears at home because the office is always 72-74 degrees .

Response:

I relate to this question of dealing with anyone who complains rather than doing anything about a problem. I have a friend who complains about being broke when I talk to him, but whenever I suggest ideas for his business, he is insulted that I would try to advise him, and will preemptively dismiss any suggestions I have. Sound familiar?

Here’s what I’d say.

• When I hear you complain about being cold, it frustrates me, because I want to help but feel powerless to do anything. It seems to me that there are some things you can do to keep warm that you don’t do.  So unless you have a clear idea of how I can help you, please don’t complain to me about it.

Another approach might be,

• What do you want me to do with that information?

Or:

• I understand you’re cold. What can you do about it?

I like the first approach best, myself.

July 6, 2010Reader Question: A graceless new manager

Our new boss of less than 30 days has a terrible approach when one of us is needed in her office. Rather than email, set up meeting times in advance, or simply walking over to our desks (which are approximately 10 steps from her office), she will yell for us by name and wait until we come to her call. She does this anywhere that she feels is a distance still within earshot. It makes us feel like little children being called by our mother and it causes us to feel disrespected. Add to this the fact that she is a 6 foot tall and has no problems cussing people out and swearing constantly, and this situation is unfortunately intimidating.

I have twice been very close to asking her not to take that approach with me (and think my co-workers should speak to her for themselves) but I really feel that I don’t have the right words in order not to offend or reveal that I am offended .I need a powerphrase or the best approach to this issue that is increasingly bothersome.

Response:

Instead of telling her not to do what she’s doing, I suggest you invite her to do something different. Say,

• When you need me, could you (email, walk over to my desk, set up advance meetings) etc.?

I will tell you that I can see a case for how she does it, at the same time as I  can understand why you don’t care for it at all. As far as the cussing goes, I would not tolerate that a single time. Some phrases:

• I am a professional and I expect to be treated as one.
• This is inappropriate. Let’s speak to each other as professionals.
• I care about the issue, but when you speak to me this way, I find it difficult to focus on a solution.
• I want to be sure I heard you correctly, because I am documenting what you say. Did you just tell me to (expletive?)
• Stop. You may have a point but your language is unacceptable.

I have lots more phrases in my PowerPhrases book. As a gentler soul, I have trouble with this kind of behavior too. It always helps me to remember that what is rude and nasty in my familiar culture is considered more normal in others.

May 19, 2010Reader questions how to address ungrateful young subordinate

Meryl,

I saved my secretary’s job, get her time off, and generally look out for her, but have yet to receive a thank-you. I find this hard to deal with. I grew up in a generation by parents who expected you to show respect for those in authority positions. How can I deal with her ungraciousness?

Reply,

I’d ask her about it. Not from the platform of authority, but individuals. Don’t pull rank, but do be human. Say something like,

• I was happy to stand up for your job, and am happy to help you in other ways. But I’m curious why you don’t say thank-you. It takes some of the fun out of it for me, and also makes me wonder if you appreciate what I do or not. Do you have an issue with me that keeps you from acknowledging me? Is there something we need to discuss here?

Think of yourselves as being on a team together and this as the kind of discussion team members have.

Does this help? What do you think?

May 4, 2010Phrases to deal with moody, buzz-killing coworker

Meryl,

How do I address a moody coworker? Some days she’s fine, and other days she stops speaking to every one, is short and whines constantly.

Response

I respond differently based on the individual circumstance.

I’d start by expressing concern. Since she is great some days, you can say,

• You don’t seem like your usual cheerful (contented, good-natured) self today. Is anything wrong?

When my hubby or I are grumpy, we might say,

• Who are you, and what have you done with my loving spouse?

That approach is best if there is a trusting foundation.

She might have a legitimate beef that she doesn’t know how to bring up. In that case, I’d make it easy to talk. Something like,

• Is there something bothering you we need to talk about?

If she complains about something of her own making or something she has the power to change, I’d say,

• Either do something about it or stop complaining.

Or, say what you mean and mean what you say, without being mean when you say it. For me that might be,

• When you get sullen, I want to help but I don’t know what to do, so I get frustrated. And it puts a damper on the whole office. Will you tell me it there’s something I can do?

Ultimately, however, it’s up to us to maintain or own equanimity. Often this is an issue because of a codependence that wants to control the responses of others because we haven’t figured out how to be the creator of our own stories and mood.

April 23, 2010In charge but not promoted. What to say?

Meryl,

Last September I interviewed for an internal  job opening and promotion.  My boss told me I was well qualified and I’d hear in three months. It is now April and it has been 6 months and no word.  I need a way to come across to her, that isn’t rude because I am really feeling ‘used’.  With all of the things I do and all of the people I have trained  I am ‘in charge’, I just don’t understand why there is no promotion.  Can you please help?

Response:
Since your boss said it would be three months, you had every right to inquire at three months. I don’t generally generalize by gender, but it has been clearly demonstrated that one of the big reasons men earn more than the women is because men ask more. You are well within the bounds of reason and good sense to simply say,

• Do you have an update on the Lead opening for me?

If the answer is no, ask,

• When can I bring it up again?

When that time comes, go ahead and bring it up again.

If it’s true you are in the position defacto, say so. Say,

• We spoke of a promotion and I’m doing the work without it. How can we resolve this?

She is probably under external constraints, so she might be doing all she can do. If so, she might welcome the opportunity to explain the delay.

April 23, 2010Looking for a good resource to prepare for your own performance review?

Meryl,

I’m looking for your ideas on a good book that will help me write my own employee evaluations – example of bullet statements for work as an employee.  I own your book Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors and Power Phrases but I need something like your Perfect Phrases for a manager but instead, Perfect Phrases for an Employee. J

What are your thoughts?  I always seem to struggle and performance reviews will be coming soon.

Reply

My How to Say it Performance Reviews has an employee prep section – it’s designed for managers to ask employees to prepare, but you can take the advice as your own. You’ll find it available here. Employee Review Prep Form Also, you could use some of the phrases I supply for managers.  Readers? What do you recommend?

April 11, 2010Reader: Help! My inbox is flooded because Cust Svs reps don’t speak English well

Meryl, I recently ordered a laptop from a computer company. Some glitch in their system has them generating hundreds of the same email, over and over again, thereby flooding my in-box. I’ve called multiple times to try to get them to help, but I’ve had no luck. Their calls must be routed to a call center in a foreign country because I consistently find myself speaking to someone for whom English is definitely not their primary language. I can’t make them understand my issue, and they just keep assuming I am trying to confirm that my order is being processed.

Meanwhile, the emails in my in-box pile up, making it hard to find legitimate new emails.

I admire people who are bilingual. I wish I was. But when I can’t make myself understood by someone who is supposed to be performing customer service, I find myself wishing I could come up with a polite, respectful way to ask for someone with broader English skills.

Any suggestions?

Dear Flooded, While grace is always a good thing, as a customer you have the right to expect customer service reps you can understand. If you can’t understand, simply say,

• I’m having trouble understanding you and making my point so you understand me. Please transfer me to your manager or someone else who I might have an easier time communicating with.

If you can’t understand them, repeat until you get successful communication.

Again, be gracious, but they have the responsibility to provide people who can actually communicate with customers. You don’t help anyone when you pretend it’s working when it isn’t.

April 4, 2010Graceful ways to interrupt: interruption do’s and don’ts

Meryl,

For years I’ve worked with primarily men in a world in which I had to interrupt to be heard — women were just invisible and our ideas were often stolen by more outspoken men.

I’m in academia now, and don’t know how to take turns in a conversation in an appropriate way.

Meryl Responds:

Great question! I just wrote about how many women spend years developing the skills to thrive in a competitive male environment and have a challenge adopting to a more collaborative style, even though collaborative styles are more generally associated with women. I will say though -  I’ve experienced plenty of dominant competitive communication in academia – and plenty of need to interrupt – or be lectured to instead of conversed with. So don’t ever lose the ability and willingness to interrupt when necessary! There are many people who consider it too rude to interrupt even when they lost the floor because someone interrupted them.

It would be nice if there were absolute rules about when to come in to a conversation, but there aren’t. On conference calls, groups often have guidelines about waiting for a pause to speak because of technological limitations. But that’s a unique setting where there is agreement. Without that, each culture has different standards. Italians just don’t handle interruptions like my Icelandic forefathers did.

I write about changing habits in my SpeakStong book. I talk about starting by doing things differently without trying to get anything “right,” just different.

Just for a day, take it a bit too far in the other direction and wait until someone pauses completely to speak. That activity will help break the habit and return you to choice. (I broke the compulsive “yes” habit by going for six months without ever saying yes to anything as an immediate response.) You can also observe when others come in during that day.

Then I suggest a day where you only use body language to interrupt rather than talk over someone. Signal you want to speak but wait to be invited. Note how long it takes for people to yield the floor. That will give some indication of what they think is appropriate – although ultimately other people’s ideas won’t dictate yours.

If there is someone you trust to give you feedback, ask them to work with you on this. I did it with a friend. She was so domineering that I wasn’t enjoying our friendship.  I let her know how her interruptions affected me and we agreed that I would tell her any time she seemed overbearing or domineering to me. I’d say, “Mary, you’re doing it again.” We had agreed this would be the signal. She appreciated the feedback, and I was able to enjoy her company. Perhaps there is someone who can do this for you.

By the way, another reader posted a comment this week about people talking over her and considering her aggressive.

Let me know if this is useful for you, and how it goes. I think once you lose the old habit, this will be much nicer.

RSS Feed

Keep current with SpeakStrong Posts using Google RSS Reader

• Admin Assistants
• Ashley
• Ask Meryl
• B2B associate courtships
• Book Reviews
• Discussion Topic
• Dynamic dignity/corporate ignominy
• Expectation Management
• Hubby series
• Kids
• Kudo Corner
• Leadership
• New Dynamics
• Newsletter
• Nurses
• Poison Phrase of the Week
• Power Phrase Quick Tip
• Quote
• Reader comment
• Reader Stories
• Speak Strong, smart and sweet
• Success Story
• Success story in progress
• The PowerPhrase of the Week
• This Week in the World
• Tip of the week
• Uncategorized
• Unite and Concur