March 1, 2010Reader question: “Let’s not be friends with her anymore.”
This sounds like kids talking, but adults create relationship triangles too. I recently got a letter from a woman who lost two friends who decided not to be friends with her anymore due to untrue rumors.
“Meryl,
I had a situation where a friend got very upset with me from a rumor. In the aftermath of this “blow up” the two ladies I considered my closest friends have dropped me from their calls, emails, text and day to day contact that was our normal way of life. Neither will talk to me about it. I feel devastated.
I am going to be at a function this weekend that both of these people will also attend. How can I address it?”
Response:
Say,
- I miss you both terribly and wish we could heal the rift between us. The door is open on my side. In the meantime, I hope we can have some pleasant exchanges this evening.
I’ve had people suddenly disappear from my life as well. I consider it passive-aggressive behavior. Remembering that helps me detach from reacting. The best response is graceful assertiveness. You can’t force people to show up for you. But you can keep the door open and stay graceful yourself.
February 23, 2010How to deliver second-hand feedback
Meryl,
My team reports TO me, but doesn’t necessarily work FOR me, so I receive a
lot of performance feedback from their project manager or other people
associated with that project. What can I say to improve the effectiveness
of this feedback, when they know it isn’t coming directly from me?
Suggestion,
Since you both know this isn’t your feedback don’t pretend it is. Deliver it authentically as coming from them through you. Deliver it as, not the absolute truth of their performance, but the absolute truth of how the person it comes from perceives their performance. Your team needs to both maximize performance and manage the perception of what they’re doing. After you deliver the information, if there is an issue, you can ask,
- Is this a performance issue or a perception issue?
Then work together to decide how to incorporate and respond to the feedback.
February 12, 2010Reader seeks PowerPhrases to get food nazis to back off
Meryl,
Recently I attended a networking event in which I had to be firm yet polite about refusing to eat calorie laden food and drinks – that would most assuredly have pushed me off target from my goals. I was stunned by how pushy some people are. For example, here is one conversation.
Them: why aren’t you eating? You’re not eating? You should eat!
Me: thank you but I’m not hungry. I ate beforehand.
Them: What? Don’t you like the food here?
Me: the food here is delicious in fact it’s so delicious that my will power goes out the window and that’s why I purposely ate before coming
Them: Don’t tell me you’re watching your weight!
Me: I’m working hard to maintain my weight.
Them: You’re skinny you don’t have to. You should eat. Here I’ll get you something.
Me: Thank you for the offer and the compliment but the truth is, I’m working with my Doctor and I do actually have another 20 pounds to get off before I’m at my ideal weight.
Them: I can’t believe you’re going to pass this up. I’ll bring you a plate.
Me: Not only am I working with my Doctor but I’m also in a contest inspired by the Biggest Loser. If I win I’ll win $300 cash prize. I can count on your support to help me win right?
Them: Oh well you didn’t tell me there was money on the line. But you know what, one plate of appetizers won’t hurt. I’ll get you some.
Me: My will power isn’t as strong as yours. If you bring me the appetizers one plate would turn into two. It’s fun to see you again, but I’m starting to feel awkward about having to say “no thank you” so many times. Should I take off?
Them: Oh gosh, don’t over react. No, that’s fine if you want to be the token “healthy” person here at the table I suppose you’ll set a good example for the rest of us. Now, why you don’t at least have a glass of wine?
Me: Actually I’ll pass on the wine too, but I’d love to get a sparkling water.
Them: Red wine is good for you.
Me: Yes it is tasty and I’m a red-lover at heart but again – wine doesn’t help my will power around food. So I’ll pass, but I’d love that sparkling water!
It was a networking event. I work with these people. I didn’t want to refuse hospitality but I didn’t want to sabotage my diet either. I did get my water. I didn’t know what to say – I felt awkward and weird. I made small talk for a few minutes and then I ended up leaving the event early. I wanted to pause the conversation – text you – and then go back to the group. I got a phone call the next day from the lady saying “When you’re off your diet and can come have a good time let me know… Call me.”
How do I respond to that? I don’t know. But I’m not eager to call her.
Meryl responds:
One of my staff has a huge stomach ache today because she was invited to dinner and the couple served a food she can’t digest. Social graces need to be balanced with our bodily requirements. And of course, in your case, there is little grace on the other side, so you are being pushed to be stronger than you might care to be.
Now that we know how pushy some people can be, we can go back over the conversation and see where you went wrong. Not that anything you said would have been “going wrong” with people who respect others’ choices. But where did you give this overbearing woman a hook? I’d make the main approach kind of an aikido move like in my post about how my friend handled advice on Facebook.
I’d say that was when you mentioned that you ate before you came. That would have gotten my curiosity and had me wanting to know more, although I wouldn’t have been so pushy!
I suggest in the future you simply say,
- No thanks, I’m not hungry.
If they ask why not, you can say something like
- I’m still full from the last time I ate.
If they continue, adopt a curious attitude. Ask questions from a perspective of inquiry. Things like,
- Does it make you uncomfortable for me not to eat?
- Do you not believe that I know what I want?
- Are you trying to pressure me into eating food I don’t want?
- Why does it seem important to you that I eat?
Be prepared with phrases like,
- I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got it handled.
- I’d much rather chat with you about your kids than what I am or am not eating.
As far as the comment about getting together when you can eat and have fun, I suggest you say,
- I can have fun right now, but if I need to be eating for you to enjoy my company, I’ll let you know when I’m off my diet.
Although if you don’t mention you diet, the subject won’t come up.
One last thing. I might try simply saying,
- That sounds like something my mother would say. Does yours push food on you too?
February 4, 2010SpeakStrong question: can suggestions wait?
Meryl,
Often times when I’m surrounded by deadlines I will receive a suggestion from an associate that requires a response. I’m working on developing a power phrase that would acknowledge the suggestion and suggest a course of action. I’d like to acknowledge they’ve been heard and at the same time put the ball back in their court.
I choose not to say something like “Intriguing idea, thanks for taking the time to share it. I’m swamped right now! I’m up to my lashes in deadlines and am busy juggling multiple projects. Just don’t have time right now to pursue this suggestion.”
That would be victim mentality at play and might insult the associate – or make them feel unimportant.
Do you have suggestions for tweaks?
Recommendation (after more correspondence)
So it seems what you really need to do is be clear about what you want and why, and then ask for it. Interestingly, I got this email from my McGraw Hill editor.
- I’d be more than willing to take a look at both proposals. Rather than send them to me now, though, since I’ll be out on vacation for a bit, email them to me after the New Year. That way, they’ll be at the top of my inbox!
Doesn’t that sound like exactly what you’ve been saying?
It’s kind of like a parent with 20 kids, who clearly can’t parent with the same attentiveness to each child that an only child gets. While they want each child to know they’re loved, there is a reality that must be accepted.
But since you do have periods where you’re more available, explain your project workload, tell them when the best time for you to review suggestions is, and have them ask themselves in between periods,
- Can it wait?
If it can, then ask that they hold those suggestions until the designated times. Otherwise, I assume you would want to field them as they arise.
If there are people who don’t quite get the message and offer suggestions freely in between times, your PowerPhrase is
Can it wait?
too, with a review of when you like to receive suggestions if it can
January 12, 2010reader question about coworkers who abuse sick leave
Meryl,
How would you go about addressing an issue regarding your co-workers abusing vacation and sick leave time? Two of my co-workers use and abuse their leave as soon as they earn it. My Administrator does not seem to want to address this issue and it is causing low morale for those of us who are at work every day and get stuck handling additional responsibilities.
Suggestion,
You use the word abuse to describe what your coworkers do. Do you think they would agree with your word choice? I’m not there, but I suspect they might choose a different word like… oh …say enjoy.
Your coworker might be slackers who are gaming the system at everyone else’s expense. Or they might be people who like their time off and have different assumptions about what leave time is for. They might think everyone should use the time like they do and be happy to reciprocate covering for when their colleagues leave.
So instead of abuser/victim language, talk about it in terms of needing to operate under the same understanding of what the time is for. Your administrator might be more willing to address the issue if it’s framed without accusation. Something like this:
- Most of us see vacation time as something we plan in advance so our co-workers can arrange to cover for us. We see sick time as being for when we’re really ill. Some of us operate under a different mindset, and it’s creating low morale for those who feel overloaded when our collegues take off. Can we collaborate and clarify our policies around time-off so we can minimize surprises and all enjoy our days away without guilt or disharmony?
Again, since I don’t know the situation, this might not apply – but do let me know.
December 8, 2009Reader question: How do I tell CUSTOMERS they smell bad?
Meryl,
My question is regarding customers that smell bad and no one wants to wait on them. They clear out our seating area for our deli when they come to our store and our manager will not say anything, but I believe it is hurting our business, because people leave and don’t want to come back when these people are in the restaurant area. The smell is awful, but the couple (a mother and son) seem like they might be nice, but no one can get close enough to talk to them, so who knows. What can we do????
Meryl responds:
Judy, I’m going to pass this question on to readers. Has anyone handled this one effectively?
November 22, 2009Reader Question: help – my message doesn’t make it to my tongue
Meryl,
How can I be more mentally prepared for jaw-dropping things that catch me completely off guard? I usually confront after the fact. Regardless of the person or situation, I hate the gaping-mouth feeling in these situations and I don’t like my incredibly slow response.
Response,
I have been stunned into silence on many occasions. In fact, I wrote my political communication book because I was so incredulous about some of the crazy things people said, that I could think of nothing to say. After I wrote the book I was able to respond. Not that I changed anyone’s mind…
I still have moments when my brain and tongue don’t connect – but fewer. The way I’ve unblocked the channel is by doing just what you are – formulating responses as soon as I get my brain back, even if it’s too late to respond to the offender.
If you do this, imagine you’re actually saying it. That helps for a number of reasons. One is that it helps you at least know how you would like to respond. Another is that your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between whether you actually say it or not, and it gets recorded as a victory. Just be sure you’re not beating yourself up with the fact that you didn’t respond perfectly in the moment.
For general use, I suggest phrases like,
- I have no idea how to respond to that.
- Are you suggesting (X)?
- If I said that to you, how would you respond?
That’s just a start. PowerPhrases! has a lot of phrases. Also, My SpeakStrong book inspires the emotional intelligence and fluidity behind using PowerPhrases!. Watch my newsletter – I will be starting a study group in the next month or two.
I spent a few days with a particular family member writing down all the stuff she said that bugged me and then formulating playful responses. It completely changed my attitude toward her. I don’t get irritated by her anymore. Interesting lesson in that one – it really wasn’t about her – it was about me.
November 19, 2009Reader question: when someone expresses your idea as theirs
Meryl,
Often I share ideas at meetings without much response. Ten minutes later someone – a man – will say basically the same thing and everyone gets ecited. How should I deal with it?
Response,
Pay attention to how you express your idea and compare it to how they say it. Some women – and men – will suggest ideas in such a tentative way that it doesn’t sink in on a conscious level. It really could be that the person who expresses it later doesn’t even realize he (or she) is reiterating your idea.
Two possible phrases for when they present your/their idea are:
- I like the way you elaborated on the point I made earlier.
or:
- How is that different from what I said earlier?
The key is to be genuine, particularly in the questioning.
Also, ask someone you trust,
- Today in the meeting I suggested X. Five minutes later Joe said Y, which was almost exactly what I had said. Why did people dismiss what I said and embrace what Joe said? How can I present my ideas more convincingly?
November 10, 2009Reader Question: How do I talk about my criminal record in job interviews?
Meryl,
I am without employment after searching for over a year. I have a criminal record as a recovering addict with three years clean. Please let me know the best way to handle a job interview productively. I am a licensed CNA and particularly would like to help people get their lives together.
My response:
Readers, can you help with this one? What do you recommend? And what resources are available? Thanks.
November 2, 2009Reader Question: When subordinates abuse power
Meryl: I am a manager supervising several locations. To help me out, I delegated some of my responsibilities to employees who have leadership capabilities. They are doing fabulous jobs, except that they sometimes grant themselves favors I would deny them. I brought it up but it happened again. I’m afraid if I come down too heavy I’ll anger them and lose their support. If I allow it to continue, I might get in trouble with the director for ignoring procedure. What do I do?
Response: While it sounds like you’re being held hostage by these ladies, you’re really being held hostage by your own fear of anger and retribution.
Say:
- I rely heavily on you and am very grateful to be able to have you represent me when I’m not there. As my representative, I need you to understand and honor procedures that apply to all of us, including myself and you. I have noticed times when you do not stick to procedure, which is why I want to review the guidelines.
After the review, ask,
- Are the guidelines clear?
If there is resistance, let them know,
- If you continue to violate guidelines, it could result in problems for all of us with the Director.
Then say,
- Thanks. Let’s meet next week to review how you apply the guidelines to make sure our understandings match.
That last part is key – follow-up. Assume your meetings are simply to make sure everyone understands. It might be that they need to know that abuses won’t go unnoticed, and follow-up will have that effect, but if you take the perspective of the follow-up as being training, it avoids implying guilt.
