April 23, 2010In charge but not promoted. What to say?

Meryl,

Last September I interviewed for an internal  job opening and promotion.  My boss told me I was well qualified and I’d hear in three months. It is now April and it has been 6 months and no word.  I need a way to come across to her, that isn’t rude because I am really feeling ‘used’.  With all of the things I do and all of the people I have trained  I am ‘in charge’, I just don’t understand why there is no promotion.  Can you please help?

Response:
Since your boss said it would be three months, you had every right to inquire at three months. I don’t generally generalize by gender, but it has been clearly demonstrated that one of the big reasons men earn more than the women is because men ask more. You are well within the bounds of reason and good sense to simply say,

• Do you have an update on the Lead opening for me?

If the answer is no, ask,

• When can I bring it up again?

When that time comes, go ahead and bring it up again.

If it’s true you are in the position defacto, say so. Say,

• We spoke of a promotion and I’m doing the work without it. How can we resolve this?

She is probably under external constraints, so she might be doing all she can do. If so, she might welcome the opportunity to explain the delay.

April 23, 2010Looking for a good resource to prepare for your own performance review?

Meryl,

I’m looking for your ideas on a good book that will help me write my own employee evaluations – example of bullet statements for work as an employee.  I own your book Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors and Power Phrases but I need something like your Perfect Phrases for a manager but instead, Perfect Phrases for an Employee. J

What are your thoughts?  I always seem to struggle and performance reviews will be coming soon.

Reply

My How to Say it Performance Reviews has an employee prep section – it’s designed for managers to ask employees to prepare, but you can take the advice as your own. You’ll find it available here. Employee Review Prep Form Also, you could use some of the phrases I supply for managers.  Readers? What do you recommend?

April 11, 2010Reader: Help! My inbox is flooded because Cust Svs reps don’t speak English well

Meryl, I recently ordered a laptop from a computer company. Some glitch in their system has them generating hundreds of the same email, over and over again, thereby flooding my in-box. I’ve called multiple times to try to get them to help, but I’ve had no luck. Their calls must be routed to a call center in a foreign country because I consistently find myself speaking to someone for whom English is definitely not their primary language. I can’t make them understand my issue, and they just keep assuming I am trying to confirm that my order is being processed.

Meanwhile, the emails in my in-box pile up, making it hard to find legitimate new emails.

I admire people who are bilingual. I wish I was. But when I can’t make myself understood by someone who is supposed to be performing customer service, I find myself wishing I could come up with a polite, respectful way to ask for someone with broader English skills.

Any suggestions?

Dear Flooded, While grace is always a good thing, as a customer you have the right to expect customer service reps you can understand. If you can’t understand, simply say,

• I’m having trouble understanding you and making my point so you understand me. Please transfer me to your manager or someone else who I might have an easier time communicating with.

If you can’t understand them, repeat until you get successful communication.

Again, be gracious, but they have the responsibility to provide people who can actually communicate with customers. You don’t help anyone when you pretend it’s working when it isn’t.

April 4, 2010Graceful ways to interrupt: interruption do’s and don’ts

Meryl,

For years I’ve worked with primarily men in a world in which I had to interrupt to be heard — women were just invisible and our ideas were often stolen by more outspoken men.

I’m in academia now, and don’t know how to take turns in a conversation in an appropriate way.

Meryl Responds:

Great question! I just wrote about how many women spend years developing the skills to thrive in a competitive male environment and have a challenge adopting to a more collaborative style, even though collaborative styles are more generally associated with women. I will say though -  I’ve experienced plenty of dominant competitive communication in academia – and plenty of need to interrupt – or be lectured to instead of conversed with. So don’t ever lose the ability and willingness to interrupt when necessary! There are many people who consider it too rude to interrupt even when they lost the floor because someone interrupted them.

It would be nice if there were absolute rules about when to come in to a conversation, but there aren’t. On conference calls, groups often have guidelines about waiting for a pause to speak because of technological limitations. But that’s a unique setting where there is agreement. Without that, each culture has different standards. Italians just don’t handle interruptions like my Icelandic forefathers did.

I write about changing habits in my SpeakStong book. I talk about starting by doing things differently without trying to get anything “right,” just different.

Just for a day, take it a bit too far in the other direction and wait until someone pauses completely to speak. That activity will help break the habit and return you to choice. (I broke the compulsive “yes” habit by going for six months without ever saying yes to anything as an immediate response.) You can also observe when others come in during that day.

Then I suggest a day where you only use body language to interrupt rather than talk over someone. Signal you want to speak but wait to be invited. Note how long it takes for people to yield the floor. That will give some indication of what they think is appropriate – although ultimately other people’s ideas won’t dictate yours.

If there is someone you trust to give you feedback, ask them to work with you on this. I did it with a friend. She was so domineering that I wasn’t enjoying our friendship.  I let her know how her interruptions affected me and we agreed that I would tell her any time she seemed overbearing or domineering to me. I’d say, “Mary, you’re doing it again.” We had agreed this would be the signal. She appreciated the feedback, and I was able to enjoy her company. Perhaps there is someone who can do this for you.

By the way, another reader posted a comment this week about people talking over her and considering her aggressive.

Let me know if this is useful for you, and how it goes. I think once you lose the old habit, this will be much nicer.

April 2, 2010Reader seeks phrases to address bare-handed deli muncher

Meryl,

I enjoy your emails, especially when I learn better ways to handle difficult situations.  I particularly liked the line cutting PowerPhrase.  I thought of that topic when I was at the grocery store this past weekend, but it wasn’t line cutting that brought it to mind.

The grocery store has various types of olives in a serve-yourself display.

I needed olives, and was considering getting a few at this display when I saw an older man reach in with his bare hands and pick up an olive to eat.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen adults do this.  Of course, I returned to the bottled olives for my purchase.

But I was wondering what I could have said to the man to let him know he was noticed and that he should not do that.  The best I could come up with was asking that the deli remove that display because of people like him.  Do you have any suggestions for something to say to people who reach into bulk bins of food to take a taste?  This really seems like a touchy situation, but someone should say something.

Response,

Thanks! That was a great research project!

My general guideline is to focus on what we want more than what they’re doing we don’t like. So I’m thinking:

• There’s a set of tongs over there for getting the olives. I’m not comfortable with people reaching in – would you use the tongs?

You could make a playful joking remark, like,

• If I was from the health department, you’d be so busted for that! Did you miss the tongs over there?

Readers?

March 29, 2010Reader question about how to gracefully decline a Friend Request

Meryl,

Is there a way to say no to someone’s friend request on Facebook without being mean when you say it? I received such a request from a former co-worker who I have not seen or spoken to in over a decade. We were not close friends when we worked together and while our professional relationship was cordial, she was not someone who I would choose to spend time with outside of work. I would like to be honest but not hurtful in saying no, thank you.

Response:

We all use these things differently. Some of us friend everyone – others our most intimate circle. Facebook lets you ignore requests (which sounds gentler than declining) and those who send out lots of requests might not even notice when you do that. However, you can explain how you use it. I’d say,

• It was nice to receive your friend request. I use Facebook selectively for family and close personal friends. Instead of friending on Facebook, let’s check in from time to time via email.

Then move on to a few conversational points that do seem appropriate to the relationship you had and are willing to have with her. Something like, are you still working at xyz? Can you believe how much the industry has changed in this economy?

Readers? What do you think?

March 1, 2010Reader question: “Let’s not be friends with her anymore.”

This sounds like kids talking, but adults create relationship triangles too. I recently got a letter from a woman who lost two friends who decided not to be friends with her anymore due to untrue rumors.

“Meryl,

I had a situation where a friend got very upset with me from a rumor.  In the aftermath of this “blow up” the two ladies I considered my closest friends have dropped me from their calls, emails, text and day to day contact that was our normal way of life.  Neither will talk to me about it. I feel devastated.

I am going to be at a function this weekend that both of these people will also attend.  How can I address it?”

Response:

Say,

• I miss you both terribly and wish we could heal the rift between us. The door is open on my side. In the meantime, I  hope we can have some pleasant exchanges this evening.

I’ve had people suddenly disappear from my life as well. I consider it passive-aggressive behavior. Remembering that helps me detach from reacting. The best response is graceful assertiveness. You can’t force people to show up for you. But you can keep the door open and stay graceful yourself.

February 23, 2010How to deliver second-hand feedback

Meryl,
My team reports TO me, but doesn’t necessarily work FOR me, so I receive a
lot of performance feedback from their project manager or other people
associated with that project.  What can I say to improve the effectiveness
of this feedback, when they know it isn’t coming directly from me?

Suggestion,
Since you both know this isn’t your feedback don’t pretend it is. Deliver it authentically as coming from them through you. Deliver it as, not the absolute truth of their performance, but the absolute truth of how the person it comes from perceives their performance. Your team needs to both maximize performance and manage the perception of what they’re doing. After you deliver the information, if there is an issue, you can ask,

• Is this a performance issue or a perception issue?

Then work together to decide how to incorporate and respond to the feedback.

February 12, 2010Reader seeks PowerPhrases to get food nazis to back off

Meryl,

Recently I attended a networking event in which I had to be firm yet polite about refusing to eat calorie laden food and drinks – that would most assuredly have pushed me off target from my goals. I was stunned by how pushy some people are. For example, here is one conversation.

Them: why aren’t you eating?  You’re not eating?  You should eat!

Me:  thank you but I’m not hungry.  I ate beforehand.

Them:  What?  Don’t you like the food here?

Me:  the food here is delicious in fact it’s so delicious that my will power goes out the window and that’s why I purposely ate before coming

Them:  Don’t tell me you’re watching your weight!

Me:  I’m working hard to maintain my weight.

Them:  You’re skinny you don’t have to.  You should eat.  Here I’ll get you something.

Me:  Thank you for the offer and the compliment but the truth is, I’m working with my Doctor and I do actually have another 20 pounds to get off before I’m at my ideal weight.

Them:  I can’t believe you’re going to pass this up.  I’ll bring you a plate.

Me:  Not only am I working with my Doctor but I’m also in a contest inspired by the Biggest Loser.  If I win I’ll win $300 cash prize.  I can count on your support to help me win right?

Them:  Oh well you didn’t tell me there was money on the line.  But you know what, one plate of appetizers won’t hurt.  I’ll get you some.

Me:  My will power isn’t as strong as yours.  If you bring me the appetizers one plate would turn into two.  It’s fun to see you again, but I’m starting to feel awkward about having to say “no thank you” so many times.  Should I take off?

Them:  Oh gosh, don’t over react.  No, that’s fine if you want to be the token “healthy” person here at the table I suppose you’ll set a good example for the rest of us.  Now, why you don’t at least have a glass of wine?

Me:  Actually I’ll pass on the wine too, but I’d love to get a sparkling water.

Them:  Red wine is good for you.

Me:  Yes it is tasty and I’m a red-lover at heart but again – wine doesn’t help my will power around food.  So I’ll pass, but I’d love that sparkling water!

It was a networking event.  I work with these people.  I didn’t want to refuse hospitality but I didn’t want to sabotage my diet either.  I did get my water.  I didn’t know what to say – I felt awkward and weird.  I made small talk for a few minutes and then I ended up leaving the event early.  I wanted to pause the conversation – text you – and then go back to the group.  I got a phone call the next day from the lady saying “When you’re off your diet and can come have a good time let me know… Call me.”

How do I respond to that?  I don’t know.  But I’m not eager to call her.

Meryl responds:

One of my staff has a huge stomach ache today because she was invited to dinner and the couple served a food she can’t digest. Social graces need to be balanced with our bodily requirements. And of course, in your case, there is little grace on the other side, so you are being pushed to be stronger than you might care to be.

Now that we know how pushy some people can be, we can go back over the conversation and see where you went wrong. Not that anything you said would have been “going wrong” with people who respect others’ choices. But where did you give this overbearing woman a hook? I’d make the main approach kind of an aikido move like in my post about how my friend handled advice on Facebook.

I’d say that was when you mentioned that you ate before you came. That would have gotten my curiosity and had me wanting to know more, although I wouldn’t have been so pushy!

I suggest in the future you simply say,

• No thanks, I’m not hungry.

If they ask why not, you can say something like

• I’m still full from the last time I ate.

If they continue, adopt a curious attitude. Ask questions from a perspective of inquiry. Things like,

• Does it make you uncomfortable for me not to eat?

• Do you not believe that I know what I want?

• Are you trying to pressure me into eating food I don’t want?

• Why does it seem important to you that I eat?

Be prepared with phrases like,

• I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got it handled.

• I’d much rather chat with you about your kids than what I am or am not eating.

As far as the comment about getting together when you can eat and have fun, I suggest you say,

• I can have fun right now, but if I need to be eating for you to enjoy my company, I’ll let you know when I’m off my diet.

Although if you don’t mention you diet, the subject won’t come up.

One last thing. I might try simply saying,

• That sounds like something my mother would say. Does yours push food on you too?

February 4, 2010SpeakStrong question: can suggestions wait?

Meryl,

Often times when I’m surrounded by deadlines I will receive a suggestion from an associate that requires a response.  I’m working on developing a power phrase that would acknowledge the suggestion and suggest a course of action.  I’d like to acknowledge they’ve been heard and at the same time put the ball back in their court.

I choose not to say something like “Intriguing idea, thanks for taking the time to share it.  I’m swamped right now!  I’m up to my lashes in deadlines and am busy juggling multiple projects.  Just don’t have time right now to pursue this suggestion.”

That would be victim mentality at play and might insult the associate – or make them feel unimportant.

Do you have suggestions for tweaks?

Recommendation (after more correspondence)

So it seems what you really need to do is be clear about what you want and why, and then ask for it. Interestingly, I got this email from my McGraw Hill editor.

• I’d be more than willing to take a look at both proposals.  Rather than send them to me now, though, since I’ll be out on vacation for a bit, email them to me after the New Year.  That way, they’ll be at the top of my inbox!

Doesn’t that sound like exactly what you’ve been saying?

It’s kind of like a parent with 20 kids, who clearly can’t parent with the same attentiveness to each child that an only child gets. While they want each child to know they’re loved, there is a reality that must be accepted.

But since you do have periods where you’re more available, explain your project workload, tell them when the best time for you to review suggestions is, and have them ask themselves in between periods,

• Can it wait?

If it can, then ask that they hold those suggestions until the designated times. Otherwise, I assume you would want to field them as they arise.

If there are people who don’t quite get the message and offer suggestions freely in between times, your PowerPhrase is

Can it wait?

too, with a review of when you like to receive suggestions if it can

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