October 10, 2010What to say when the HOA president is overbearing
Dear Meryl:
Whenever I see, talk to, or even hear about my HOA president, it either makes me mad and/or makes me roll my eyes. While I know that I will never be friends with him, we do live in the same community and I would like interactions to be cordial. I empathize that being an HOA president is not an easy job however, it is a job he sought out 5 yrs ago and continues to hold because no one else wants it. He chooses to do a lot of physical work around the community himself, without asking for help, even though at every meeting people ask how they can help.
The root of my issues with him is that he is pompous and speaks down to anyone when they question his actions/reasons. He gets very defensive, raises his voice, speaks over you, talks, talks, and talks some more. A typical meeting is suppose to be 1 hr, but is usually almost 2 hrs because of his long-winded, metaphoric, off-topic soliloquies. Help! How can his communication be addressed without being mean?
Response:
At first I thought this might be an issue that would better be left alone – that if the price of having someone doing work no one else wants is an extra hour at a meeting, so be it. That you might consider letting him have his martyrdom and focus on people whom you relate well to and address martyrdom when it comes from people who are using it to avoid pitching in rather than those who are trying to leverage actual contribution.
But on second thought, I figure it’s always good practice, and who knows – maybe you can turn it productive.
Truthfully, it sounds like you need a bigger fix. You need a group effort to set standards of communication and agreements of how your meetings will be run. That will include having a meeting facilitator who is NOT the president. The standards would include agreements about what to do when someone interrupts, how to address someone who goes off topic, and other issues that this man brings to light, but not directed toward him. I suggest you lobby for support for the idea outside meetings and then raise it some way like this.
- Our meetings are longer and less productive than scheduled. I propose we adopt some protocols that all agree to that will keep us focused.
You could also say something like,
- I’ve become aware that many of us don’t look forward to our meetings because they drag on too long, and are unproductive. We’ve come up with some suggestions of how to fix that.
This will work best if you and someone else have proposed guidelines/solutions to start with.
If you don’t want to go that route, here are some phrases to use in a more piecemeal way.
- (Name,) I need your help. Meetings are going over. How do you suggest we could make them more efficient?
To address a potential underlying cause of the longwinded nature.
- (Name,) do you think we don’t appreciate what you do? I get that impression from some things you say. I’d like to begin meetings with a summary of what you do, and keep our discussions short enough that we get out of here on time.
To address talking over you, get others to agree to support this effort.
- (Name,) I wasn’t done yet. Please let me finish.
To address long-windedness, again, get the support of others on this.
- (Name,) please stay on topic.
I definitely would address the putdowns. Something like,
- That sounded like a put-down. Do you mean it that way?
Again, I encourage you to address the larger issue by exploring what kind of communication standards your association can create to make your meetings more productive.
Let me know what you think.
October 7, 2010Poison Phrase: I might have something for you soon
Even the best do it sometimes. When my skilled professional vendor told me,
- I might have something for you soon,
I told him he scored the Poison Phrase of the week for using two vague words in one sentence. “Might” is tentative and “soon” is indefinite. It’s a non-committal remark that says very little.
October 7, 2010Poison Phrase: Anything you say in the same way that didn’t work the last time
Sometimes when a listener doesn’t understand, the speaker repeats what they said before. That’s usually not helpful.
What also isn’t helpful is when we say things in ways that were not understood in the past. For example, I just sent someone my username and password to a site. I didn’t label what they were, and I got a return email requesting my username and password. This isn’t the first time I’ve sent my user name and password without identifying them and the recipient didn’t understand what I sent.
It will be the last, however, because next time I’ll make it clear enough that no one needs to ask.
October 6, 2010PowerPhrase: Please check in before you check out
It’s frustrating when you have a dynamic exchange going with someone and they unplug without letting you know. Or you’re working hard to align with someone, making yourself available to them, and they don’t seem to be trying to align with you.
It can dawn on you when you’re on the phone with them and answers suddenly get vague, that they’ve taken their attention off you and put it on something else. It’s easy enough to avoid problems when you shift gears.
Yesterday I was having a very productive Skype chat with a vendor when he noted,
- Oh – I’m in a meeting now.
Those few words gave me the cue that he was switching gears, so I didn’t keep trying to engage with someone who was engaged elsewhere.
So here’s a phrase to keep your alignment.
- Please check in before you check out.
If someone you’re interacting with is switching gears, ask them to let you know before they do.
And if you depend on them, ask,
- Please check in before you check out and see if there is something I need before you become unavailable.
It’s simple courtesy, but sometimes we need to ask for it.
October 6, 2010PowerPhrase: I’d like more me in our we.
It’s challenging but productive to create partnerships and teams that are like entities unto themselves. Really good connections are like combining hydrogen and oxygen and getting something that is very different from either element. And finding the mix can be a bit like birthing a baby. There are moments when you wonder if it’s worth the trouble. And once it’s born, you know it is.
Often people in partnerships expect the other to conform to them without being willing to adapt. It’s like a musician who wants to play with another musician but expects to play exactly as they do alone and expects the other musician to adapt completely to them. In some instances that works, but usually it misses the gifts the second musician brings to the music.
If you find yourself in that kind of situation, here’s a PowerPhrase for you.
- I’d like more me in our we.
That keeps the focus on the partnership that you are creating and doesn’t make it into a your turn, my turn kind of request.
If your friend unilaterally picks the restaurants and movies for the two of you, tell him,
- I’d like more me in our we.
If your business partner thinks her needs should always take priority, say,
- I’d like more me in our we.
If anyone seems to think it’s all about them, don’t argue that it should be more about you. Tell them,
- I’d like more me in our we.
After all, without the right amount of hydrogen mixed with the oxygen, we’d never get water.
I like water.
September 24, 2010Poison Phrase: She’s overreacting
Shirley’s graphic designer Joyce was robbed a couple of months back, and it left her shaken. As a result, she hasn’t been able to get to Shirley’s project. Joyce commented,
- They didn’t even take that much. I think she’s overreacting.
While Joyce’s reaction might make her unavailable to work on Shirley’s project, it’s hard to say what an appropriate reaction to anything is. I know I sometimes handle things with amazing calm and other times am shaken more than I might have expected. Certainly we need to make decisions based on whether or not people can be available, but we don’t need to put ourselves up as judges of how long one should grieve. Some people expect others to get over the loss of a spouse overnight, or the loss of a job in a few days. The reality is, it takes as long as it takes.
September 24, 2010A legitimate question that was only a Poison Phrase because of how it was asked
Marion spoke with Jason about his services for about a half hour, and determined that after numerous dead-ends with other service providers, he would be the one to help her. She was dismayed to learn that it would be six weeks before he could see her for her first appointment.
- What am I supposed to do in the meantime?
She asked accusingly. Her tone implied that she held Jason responsible for her situation when they hadn’t ever met.
But when Jason considered her question, he realized there was some legitimacy in it, even if the hostility was unwarrented. It was a long time for her to wait to even start a process, and he needed to have an answer for Marion and other new clients about what they should do in the meantime. Jason is a healthcare consultant, so for him, the questions are about how to address health issues. And since so many of his clients don’t drink enough, exercise enough etc., there are things he can suggest people do in the meantime, even when he hasn’t seen them yet.
The real point of this post is, even when a question is hurled as an unfair attack, it could have legitimacy. Separate the hostility from the need that underlies it and see if there is a way to respond.
September 23, 2010Reader Question: Because I told you so
Meryl, I was just reading the part of your SpeakStrong book where you ask the reader “How many of us heard, ‘Because I said so!’ as a child?” That made me start thinking deep thoughts about how serious of a Poison Phrase that is.
Obviously it depends on the situation. In general, pronouncements carry a lot more weight if the speaker is willing to back it up with sound logic. But as a parent, I often find myself resorting to “Because I said so!”, not because I am refusing to share my reasoning, but because kids will often keep up the resistance, and the questioning, long after you’ve given what should be an adequate explanation. For example…
“Can we go to the baseball card store now?”
“No, not today.”
“But why?”
“You had band after school. We took your brother to soccer and we have to get him in an hour. Now you need to get some homework done before you have scouts tonight.”
“But I can do homework later. And you said we have an hour. That’s plenty of time to go to the baseball card store.”
“No. It’s 20 minutes each way, so you wouldn’t have much time there. And I don’t want to spend all afternoon running around anyway.”
“But I haven’t been in two weeks! And there’s no traffic this time of day. It would probably only take 15 minutes each way.”
“No. I want to spend some time at home. And I need to start dinner.”
Etc, etc, etc… Brent, in particular, can keep throwing out arguments until the cows come home. And it seems like a big waste of time to keep dishing out answers to his questions.
So I wonder… Could it be that “Because I said so!” would be a Poison Phrase if used at the beginning of a conversation because it would be used for evasive purposes, but it wouldn’t be a Poison Phrase if used after it became clear that the kid wasn’t receptive to your answers anyway? In fact, then it might even constitute a Power Phrase. It’s like a more polite way of saying “Shut up!”
Meryl responds:
While I agree it’s very different and far more poisonous when used as avoidance and to shut down any discussion, than after you’ve given reasons that they’re arguing with, I still think there are better, more honest ways to respond at that point too. “Because I said so” could be replaced with
- Because I don’t want to
which you said twice in this example.
There’s a difference between someone trying to collaborate with you to make it work for you to give them what they want, and someone trying to wear down your resistance. As soon as you get the sense that’s what’s happening, I’d address it. . I suggest you tap into the say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it, remembering think, feel and want. For example,
- I think you’re trying to wear me down. That feels very unpleasant to me. I want you to accept my decision.
Not only is it more honest, but it models better communication than a blanket dismissal.
September 22, 2010PowerPhrase: The ultimate communication formula, and the empowerment sentence stems
Jenny Finn is a movement educator who grounds people and brings them into their power by directing them to pay attention to their feet and their breath. Try it. It’s pretty effective. She also talks about how much power we lose when we try to get other people to be responsible for our happiness. Wise words indeed.
As I frolicked around her dance floor last night feeling enlivened and energized, it occurred to me that when I coach, I do something similar to her refocus. We talk for a while, and then sum up the conversation by remembering the formula, say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t be mean when you say it. Then I’ll ask,
- What do you think?
- What do you feel?
- What do you want?
There’s a lot more to a productive conversation than you knowing what you think, feel and want, but it is a great place to start. Even saying,
- I don’t know what I want yet…
is better than ignoring the question.
Jenn Finn provides empowerment through grounding in her way. I provide it in my own way. Put them together, and I’d say you’ll be Speaking Strong. (Which, by the way, is a great book for you to learn more about how to find your authentic power.)
September 22, 2010PoisonPhrase that plays to perfectionism: I’m glad you like it. It has this flaw…
Have you seen my video of Bunny Bubbles from The Center for Lowered Expectations?
“Bunny” points out a spot on her jacket for no good reason. Many of us do that far too often.
Saturday I admired a pottery piece an acquaintance brought flowers in to an event I attended. She immediately pointed out:
- Look. The handle broke when I made it, and I glued it back on.
While there are times to note flaws, too many of us let them overshadow the beauty of our work. Things don’t have to be perfect for us to be proud of them. I shared what I liked about the piece and with that focus, she noted what she liked too.
There’s no need to hype the flaws. Of course if I was considering purchasing the item I would have wanted to know about it, but the only people who expect perfection are perfectionists, and I gave up trying to meet their standards ages ago. I invite you to as well.
