March 8, 2010Poison Phrase: Drive traffic to your site
The New Dynamics of Communication are going from heavy sell and pressure to magnetic attraction. The language doesn’t always stay current with the reality, however. Phrases like,
- Drive traffic to your website
reflect an old-style thinking and communicating. Instead, we want to
Attract website visitors. I hope this post attracts a few to mine.
March 5, 2010Even in high drama, word choice matters. Poison Phrase, I lost my son
Word considerations seem insignificant in the high drama of Kerry Patterson’s confessional tale about leaving his baby in a store, but he does note that he was careful about not saying anything that would land him in jail. When he returned to the store and found employees cooing over his baby, instead of saying,
- I lost my son,
he noted,
- You found my son.Thank-you, thank-you.
That did take the edge off the situation by focusing on the positive.
You can read the whole sweet story here.
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Related posts which may interest you
- Luann faces guy choices like our communication choices
- PowerPhrase: It’s not a drama unless we turn it into one
- Success Story ~ A kid hero
- Find the Sunny Side of Conflict in March 18th SpeakStrong Seminar find the opportunity in your arguments
- This Week in the World ~ Mixed messages, feedback and life-saving conversations
March 2, 2010Poison Phrase: How cheap can you go?
Some people are fun to work with and it’s almost an honor to accommodate their tight budgets. Others seem to slime vendors just by asking. A client asked a friend,
- How cheap can you go on this?
He angrily replied,
- How cheap are you?
Of course that signals the message “I’m the kind of person who goes cheap.” Who likes that? But wording like,
- Can you work with me on the price?
signals a message, “I’m the kind of person who works with people.” That feels so much better!
February 23, 2010PoisonPhrase: Denying layoff grieving prolongs the recovery process
Whether it’s a loved one who passed on, or a coworker whose employment was terminated, it’s crazy-making to be expected to act like nothing significant happened. Comments like,
- Layoffs happen.. Get over it.
…negate the reality that people react emotionally when someone they worked with is laid off.
In her free ebook Leading After Layoffs, Wendy Mack writes about how essential it is to allow for the natural cycles of grieving after layoffs.
Allowing for and making comments like,
- It’s strange to come in after so many years and have Chris not be here.
…can pave the way to healing, regrouping and productivity.
February 14, 2010Poison Phrase: This doesn’t count because I badgered you to do it.
I caught a preview of Dr. Phil, where a daughter railed at her Mom for not standing up for her. The mother said, “I’m standing up for you now.” The daughter replied,
- That’s because I badgered you to do it.
I understand the daughter’s complaint, but I also know that the daughter missed a golden opportunity to get what she says she wants from her mother. If she had stayed present and then moved things forward, she would have been more likely to inspire her mother to stand up for her in the future. It’s so easy to focus on what was wrong in the past, but as soon as we get a glimmer of someone moving in the direction we want, the best approach is to reinforce that. A better response would have been,
- Yes, you are. Thank-you for that. You have no idea what it means to me, and I’d like to be able to continue to count on your support.
Oh, the power of momentum!
February 4, 2010Rankist Poison Phrase: I’ll have Nancy do that.
I deeply respect people who work for non-profits because they believe in the cause. Often they are overworked and underpaid. However, I do find that because they give so much, some develop a sense of entitlement that can carry over into how they treat volunteers. They need to watch for remarks like,
- I’ll have Nancy do that
that create an impression of servitude. Nancy, in this case, is a volunteer, and everything she does is service. Volunteers still need to be accountable and to do what they say they will, but they also need to know their service is appreciated. I don’t recommend anyone “having” others do things for them, even when they’re paid, But volunteers especially need wording that doesn’t sound like the manager is pulling rank.
- I’ll ask Nancy to do that
is a better choice of words.
January 12, 2010Poison Phrase: Teacheable Moment
The term:
- teachable moment
…made the list of words to lose in 2010. I had just used it in a book proposal. Even as I wrote it, I had a sense of it not being quite right. The article about words to lose called it condescending. Why? Because it’s parental. It implies authoritarian superiority. SpeakStrong blog commenter Sharon suggested the term:
- Educational moment
That term implies learning goes both ways. Our vocabulary needs to change as we lose our authoritarian model of management communication.
December 6, 2009Poison Phrase: I feel left out of the process
This Poison Phrase relates to the previous PowerPhrase. The PowerPhrase was a direct request to be included in the shopping process. The Poison Phrase is the complaint,
- I feel left out of the process.
This isn’t the most poisonous way Ashley could have communicated. It’s far better than saying something like,
- You don’t trust me to buy my own vacuum.
I include it here, however, because it still comes across as a complaint, and asking for what you want is more positive and effective.
December 5, 2009Poison Phrase: You don’t look old
Bob commented that many of his client’s parents are younger than he is. His client asked his age and he told her, she exclaimed,
- OMG… you don’t LOOK old.
A tip for the youngsters – most people I know in their 50’s and 60’s don’t think they’re old.
Of course it’s a matter of perspective.
November 25, 2009Poison Phrase tip: Your “walking wounded” dictionary
Yesterday my husband sat near me to tell me all about an insight he was pondering. He was still talking while he got up and started walking away. What does that say? Well, it seems to be a clear indication that he had no interest in any kind of a response. His departure seemed perfectly timed for him to have a complete say, and for me not to have a voice.
When my “stuff is up,” I experience this as a horrific dismissal. When my stuff isn’t up, I experience it as one normal way to behave, and I figure that if I do want a two-way conversation, it’s up to me to make my desire known.
When I’m emotionally triggered, addressing the dynamic is difficult because I experience a wound and reexperience many old wounds related to feeling talked at and dismissed. He senses all of that when I talk about it and is more likely to react with defensiveness. But when my stuff isn’t up, it’s a simple situation of me making my wishes known. And he responds without reacting.
That’s why I recommend that you make a list of words that trigger a bigger than life reaction in you. Then you can take responsibility for your own reactions.
Black and white language is a huge trigger for me… I find myself feeling jammed into a teeny tiny box. But when I recognize that my ire is activated because of a kind of languaging that creates a reaction in me, it’s easier for me to respond to the situation from graceful power rather than old hurts.
- Always and
- never are high on my walking wounded list.
What words are on yours?
