November 3, 2010What not to say when someone responds “too” literally
Some folks hear what you mean, and others hear what you say. I kept trying to get a web developer to tell me,
- How much work do you want to do for me?
He kept answering that he wanted to do a lot more than he could. Finally I realized it made no sense to repeat the question so I asked,
- How much work will you be able to do for me in the coming month?
The answer was more concrete.
I could blame my developer for being so literal – but I decided that was me being lazy. Instead, I considered what I was really asking, and asked it.
October 21, 2010Good question, why ARE you rambling on about that?
“Sue” called me to give me the great news about her new client. After about fifteen minutes of celebration, she started talking about the resistance of some of her client’s associates. She went on for several minutes about little snipes, imagined problems and other concerns that seemed unimportant in the scale of her great new venture with absolute support from her client. I was waiting for an opening to end the call since I had things to do, but Sue stopped herself and asked,
- Why am I rambling on about this?
I took the question to be rhetorical and simply said, “there’s a lot to sort in any new relationship.” But had she called as a communication client, I would have turned the question back to her. It actually was a very good question.
The first four skills in my book SpeakStrong are about that very question. They are skills to make our communication conscious and to understand the real reason why we say things.
Was Sue rambling about the issues because of a habit of overthinking problems? Is she nervous about her role in the business? Does she simply have a habit of magnifying issues that she’s carrying into this situation? Is there something she needs to say that she isn’t?
The second four skills in my SpeakStrong book are about getting clear about the effect of our communication habits. What was she accomplishing by rambling? Well, for one thing, she lost my interest. Is that something that happens often? And is there a more productive way she could have discussed the issue – or did she need to talk about it at all?
Sue caught herself rambling before I needed to interrupt. I suspect she slipped into unconscious communication habits and something I said woke her up so she asked what I was ready to…
- Why are you rambling on about this?
Only Sue asked it as a throwaway question. To me, it’s golden. Her answer would help me know how to best be a friend.
October 11, 2010Reinventing yourself is less interesting than embracing and expressing your authentic self
Reinvention is a hot topic these days. Everyone is busy transforming themselves. Not me. I’m becoming more of who I already am. I invite you to join me. Start with
- Clearing
Get rid of old habits of being who we’re not.
- Clarifying
Let who we are unfold in no uncertain terms.
- Committing
Putting our heart (coeur in French, or courage) into expressing who we are.
- Caring
Put out heart into the world and aligning our personal expression with compassion for others
And
- Communion-icating.
Expressing ourselves in ways that take the person we’re talking to into account.
But reinventing?
Reinventing carries the risk that it will discard parts of your essence and create a new image to replace an old image rather than empowering who you are at the core. It doesn’t quite fit the dynamic process of unfolding that my community and I experience. We believe image matters but image certainly isn’t everything.
The SpeakStrong Method of Dynamic Communication isn’t about reinventing ourselves. It’s about potentiating what we already have and who we already are. I’ve always seen the world from my own angle, haven’t you?
That’s so much more powerful than reinventing ourselves, don’t you think? It’s dynamic, too.
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October 7, 2010Poison Phrase: I might have something for you soon
Even the best do it sometimes. When my skilled professional vendor told me,
- I might have something for you soon,
I told him he scored the Poison Phrase of the week for using two vague words in one sentence. “Might” is tentative and “soon” is indefinite. It’s a non-committal remark that says very little.
October 7, 2010Poison Phrase: Anything you say in the same way that didn’t work the last time
Sometimes when a listener doesn’t understand, the speaker repeats what they said before. That’s usually not helpful.
What also isn’t helpful is when we say things in ways that were not understood in the past. For example, I just sent someone my username and password to a site. I didn’t label what they were, and I got a return email requesting my username and password. This isn’t the first time I’ve sent my user name and password without identifying them and the recipient didn’t understand what I sent.
It will be the last, however, because next time I’ll make it clear enough that no one needs to ask.
September 24, 2010Poison Phrase: She’s overreacting
Shirley’s graphic designer Joyce was robbed a couple of months back, and it left her shaken. As a result, she hasn’t been able to get to Shirley’s project. Joyce commented,
- They didn’t even take that much. I think she’s overreacting.
While Joyce’s reaction might make her unavailable to work on Shirley’s project, it’s hard to say what an appropriate reaction to anything is. I know I sometimes handle things with amazing calm and other times am shaken more than I might have expected. Certainly we need to make decisions based on whether or not people can be available, but we don’t need to put ourselves up as judges of how long one should grieve. Some people expect others to get over the loss of a spouse overnight, or the loss of a job in a few days. The reality is, it takes as long as it takes.
September 24, 2010A legitimate question that was only a Poison Phrase because of how it was asked
Marion spoke with Jason about his services for about a half hour, and determined that after numerous dead-ends with other service providers, he would be the one to help her. She was dismayed to learn that it would be six weeks before he could see her for her first appointment.
- What am I supposed to do in the meantime?
She asked accusingly. Her tone implied that she held Jason responsible for her situation when they hadn’t ever met.
But when Jason considered her question, he realized there was some legitimacy in it, even if the hostility was unwarrented. It was a long time for her to wait to even start a process, and he needed to have an answer for Marion and other new clients about what they should do in the meantime. Jason is a healthcare consultant, so for him, the questions are about how to address health issues. And since so many of his clients don’t drink enough, exercise enough etc., there are things he can suggest people do in the meantime, even when he hasn’t seen them yet.
The real point of this post is, even when a question is hurled as an unfair attack, it could have legitimacy. Separate the hostility from the need that underlies it and see if there is a way to respond.
September 22, 2010PoisonPhrase that plays to perfectionism: I’m glad you like it. It has this flaw…
Have you seen my video of Bunny Bubbles from The Center for Lowered Expectations?
“Bunny” points out a spot on her jacket for no good reason. Many of us do that far too often.
Saturday I admired a pottery piece an acquaintance brought flowers in to an event I attended. She immediately pointed out:
- Look. The handle broke when I made it, and I glued it back on.
While there are times to note flaws, too many of us let them overshadow the beauty of our work. Things don’t have to be perfect for us to be proud of them. I shared what I liked about the piece and with that focus, she noted what she liked too.
There’s no need to hype the flaws. Of course if I was considering purchasing the item I would have wanted to know about it, but the only people who expect perfection are perfectionists, and I gave up trying to meet their standards ages ago. I invite you to as well.
September 16, 2010Poison Phrase: Quit lying to me
Labels are limiting, and they can interfere with dialogue. That is particularly true of negative label, and even more so when a label is hurled as an assumption, such as in the phrase,
-Quit lying to me.
This not only calls the targeted individual a liar, but it embeds the assumption in a command. While there are occasions when the shock value of such a label is needed, careless use turns a conversation unnecessarily defensive.
Talk about what you want more than what you don’t want. Say,
- I’d like complete honesty with each other, even when it’s difficult. Do you want that too?
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September 10, 2010Poison Phrase from Mother Goose and Grimm. You’re so special. .
Sometimes the need to be special is a hook. Today’s Mother Goose and Grim illustrates the absurdity of it.
It struck me particularly because I saw a video of a two year old screaming affirmations into a mirror. She was adorable, but I also thought she was setting herself up for a fall. After affirming at high volumes how great she was, she closed with how much better she was than everyone else. That’s an inflation that leads to deflation and dissatisfaction.
From the aspect of praise, I always suggest that before we throw out a general praise to someone, that we take the time to get specific about what we appreciate.
- Great work
is no comparison to,
- You captured the essence of what we were trying to say here and made it accessible. I particularly like the part where…
