August 31, 2010Poison Phrase: That’s nothing!
At a network event this evening, a woman was telling us about how a buffalo had escaped from a nearby slaughterhouse and was walking down West Colorado Avenue. (A fairly busy street in town.)
Another lady commented,
-That’s nothing,
And proceeded to talk about seeing an entire family of deer.
She caught herself and apologized for her dismissive comment. Grace was restored – and I got a new Poison Phrase to post.
That’s something!
August 19, 2010Poison Phrase: Who told you that? Deflection and distraction.
- Who told you that?
Pete quickly realized he was busted, however, dropped the defenses and apologized.
Deflection and distraction only makes you look worse. Yes, you might be able to twist and manipulate someone into letting you off the hook, but you miss a chance to move the relationship forward into a dynamic synocratice and mutually rewarding situation. In this Mad Men episode, Pete gained much more than he lost by admitting his offense.
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August 16, 2010Poison Phrases: what’s your problem? You’re my problem.
I just heard a teenage boy trying to pursuade his sibling to get into the lake. (Guess where I am!) When the yougster hesitated, the older boy asked,
-What’s your problem?
On the surface this isn’t a poison phrase. But the way it is commonly used, it really is. And phrases that are seemingly meant to be helpful that have critical malicious undercurrents are often the most poisonous of all.
The way this phrase is commonly used implies that any issue is a problem, and we shouldn’t be having problems. The way it is usually used is diminishing.
Tone is everything in this one. While I heard love and support from the elder brother, the underlying tone of this question came across as dismissive and potentially a set-up for a lifetime of pretending nothing’s wrong or feeling bad about it when something is.
Been there. Done that. Now when someone asks what my problem is, I resist the temptation to say,
-I do have a problem, and my problem is you.
Instead I respond as if it is intended to be helpful. Often, even if the original statement contains snark, my response generally elevates the conversation to a more collaborative dynamic.
July 26, 2010Poison Phrase: everyone knows we only get one shot at happiness
It’s fascinating to hear people proclaim their own personal philosophy as if it is absolute truth, especially when their philosophy is fatalistic. In the special features to the movie Revolutionary Road, one of the producers stated twice that
- Everyone knows we only get one shot at happiness.
Everyone knows? I don’t – and I don’t want to know that. Generalizations like that tend to be Poison Phrases, and this one is in particular.
July 18, 2010Poison Phrase: You’re always cold.
While there were a lot of different opinions about how to respond to a coworker who regularly complains about the cold, everyone steered clear of,
-You’re always cold.
and,
-You’re always complaining.
As tempting at those comments are, they’re counterproductive generalizations.
July 13, 2010Poison Phrase: There are two sides to every story.
It sounds so reasonable, and that’s what makes it so poisonous. George took over a marketing project from Tom. Tom had done almost nothing on the project, so George had to scramble, and he did a fabulous job. He was not a bit happy to learn that Tom was taking credit as if he had done it alone.
Tom listened to George’s objections, but didn’t really hear. He told George,
-I’ll think about what you said. After all, there are two sides to every story.
Actually, there are more than two sides. Every story has multiple dimensions. But more than that, Tom’s comment dismisses George’s concern by indicating that both sides have equal validity.
Yes, and if a thief and an honest man disagree, the thief might make the same argument. It’s not an argument I would make, however.
July 8, 2010Poison Phrase:From personal to impersonal like someone flicked a switch
It reminded Nancy of her dating years. On a few occasions she was wined and dined by a sweet-talker who said all the right things. But when the good-night kiss didn’t turn into anything more, her former charmers turned ugly on her.
But this was a business situation. Amy did some design work for Nancy while they negotiated a longer arrangement. Then, Amy incorrectly interpreted something Nancy said as indicating she wasn’t planning to continue. Previous emails were warm and personal. Then Nancy got an email that read,
- Pursuant to our existent agreement regarding proceeding in a prudent amount of time, we are invoicing you for services previously rendered at an amount that reflects your lack of commitment to proceeding quickly. Payment must be rendered in ten calendar days. Please advise if you elect to utilize our services in the future.
Nancy wondered, who are you and what have you done with Amy? The invoice was for 4 x any amount that had been suggested. She had every intention to continue to work with Amy more, but this kind of languaging changed that.
How can people go from warm to cold so fast?
You find out you’ve been worked when the person who is so charming turns ugly when they think (or realize) they’re not going to get what they want from you
July 6, 2010Poison Phrase: Turn in your cell phone and pager. Here’s your last paycheck.
June 28, 2010Oprah’s audition questionnaire – an inner interview. But do we have to expect to win to play?
In case you haven’t heard, Oprah is creating her own network and has a competition for people to win their own show. The audition questionnaire was really something. It took a half hour to complete, and included more questions about how I handle anger and what high school was like for me than about accomplishments. I’d love to know how they use the information.
There was one question that gave me pause.
- Why do you think you’ll win?
Do I have to think I’ll win to play? They received a lot of amazing auditions from very talented people. Does it disqualify me to think one of them might win and not me?
Well, I decided to enter anyway. I figured it was up to me to decide whether the fact that I think it’s possible that some other talented individual will win was a disqualifier or not.
So, I’m in the game. I’m in it for the experience. I don’t have to expect to win to play. I hope you get in the games that interest you too.
I wouldn’t object if I got a call from the OWN network. But we don’t have to expect to win to play.
June 25, 2010Poison Phrase: How can I make my ex talk to me?
When people ask for my help in phrasing things, I often can tell how they sabotage themselves from how they ask the question.
When someone asks,
- How can I make my ex talk to me
I know they’re going about it backwards. They’re trying to force communication instead of inspire it. Sure, there are ways you can make your ex talk to you. It’s unlikely you’ll be satisfied with the results if you do, however.
A better question is,
- How can I create the kind of communication that makes my ex want to talk to me?
or,
- How can I help my ex feel comfortable talking to me?
The same reasoning and approach apply to employees, managers and anyone you need to communicate with. As soon as you try to make someone communicate, you’ve lost.
Of course, creating safety take time. Force can seem easier – but it’s not in the end.
So if you’re wondering how to make people talk, unless you’re an investigator, the answer is, you don’t.
