September 9, 2010Poison and predictable. I’m buying this book so THEY can be civil.
So predictable. I revised my political communication book for release before the upcoming election. My publisher mentioned it on Facebook. All the comments were in this vein.
- I’d like to “gift” a lot of people with that book.
Why is that a Poison Phrase? Because it misses the fact that the most valuable resource you have is your own responses. This book is for YOU, not them. So you can be civil whether they are or not. And so you can turn a contentious conversation civil.
Actually, I wrote it for myself, so I wouldn’t be taken out by good people who turn into reptiles over the mention of politics. But then I rewrote it for YOU. So you can Unite and Concur.
September 7, 2010Poison Phrase: It hurt my ego. Don’t confuse your heart with your ego!
Some personal development and spiritual teachers pathologize normal heart reactions. What I mean by that, is they label being outraged by offensive behavior or feeling sorrow over loss as ego-reaction, and egos are considered bad and wrong.
First, I will say that egos have their place, and while they certainly need to be monitored, matured and balanced, they don’t need to be eradicated.
Second, when someone steps on your foot and you say ouch, or someone is unkind and it hurts, it’s not your ego talking.
That’s why I asked for clarification when my friend told me,
- it hurt my ego that I don’t get to see much of my new baby sister.
She explained that she loved the baby and was sad she couldn’t be a bigger part of her life.
That’s not her ego, that’s her heart, and I think her heartache is a healthy response to loss. To suggest otherwise is dehumanizing.
September 6, 2010Poison Phrase: I’m writing furiously
Since I’m so aware of the nuances of words, I make a point of revising expressions that don’t quite convey the tone I like. One I’ve been looking for an alternative for is,
- I’m writing furiously.
I’ve replaced it with
- I’m writing vigorously.
I’d rather write vigorously than furiously!
These distinctions are a source of pleasure and increasing discernment. I like playing with them – but do want to warn against becoming militant about it.
September 3, 2010Today’s “Zits” shows how family communication can backfire
Why can be quite the Poison Phrase, as today’s Zits demonstrates. The cartoon says it all.
August 31, 2010Poison Phrase: That’s nothing!
At a network event this evening, a woman was telling us about how a buffalo had escaped from a nearby slaughterhouse and was walking down West Colorado Avenue. (A fairly busy street in town.)
Another lady commented,
-That’s nothing,
And proceeded to talk about seeing an entire family of deer.
She caught herself and apologized for her dismissive comment. Grace was restored – and I got a new Poison Phrase to post.
That’s something!
August 19, 2010Poison Phrase: Who told you that? Deflection and distraction.
- Who told you that?
Pete quickly realized he was busted, however, dropped the defenses and apologized.
Deflection and distraction only makes you look worse. Yes, you might be able to twist and manipulate someone into letting you off the hook, but you miss a chance to move the relationship forward into a dynamic synocratice and mutually rewarding situation. In this Mad Men episode, Pete gained much more than he lost by admitting his offense.
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Related posts which may interest you
- AMC’s Mad Men almost a PowerPhrase: “I would appreciate it for the future if you did not say sh**y things about me behind my back.”
- How to exploit friends and manipulate people
- Reader question: “Let’s not be friends with her anymore.”
- Find the Lost Generation, and the opportunities in the argument?
- This Week in the World: House episode ~ Lost communication filters mixed blessing
August 16, 2010Poison Phrases: what’s your problem? You’re my problem.
I just heard a teenage boy trying to pursuade his sibling to get into the lake. (Guess where I am!) When the yougster hesitated, the older boy asked,
-What’s your problem?
On the surface this isn’t a poison phrase. But the way it is commonly used, it really is. And phrases that are seemingly meant to be helpful that have critical malicious undercurrents are often the most poisonous of all.
The way this phrase is commonly used implies that any issue is a problem, and we shouldn’t be having problems. The way it is usually used is diminishing.
Tone is everything in this one. While I heard love and support from the elder brother, the underlying tone of this question came across as dismissive and potentially a set-up for a lifetime of pretending nothing’s wrong or feeling bad about it when something is.
Been there. Done that. Now when someone asks what my problem is, I resist the temptation to say,
-I do have a problem, and my problem is you.
Instead I respond as if it is intended to be helpful. Often, even if the original statement contains snark, my response generally elevates the conversation to a more collaborative dynamic.
July 26, 2010Poison Phrase: everyone knows we only get one shot at happiness
It’s fascinating to hear people proclaim their own personal philosophy as if it is absolute truth, especially when their philosophy is fatalistic. In the special features to the movie Revolutionary Road, one of the producers stated twice that
- Everyone knows we only get one shot at happiness.
Everyone knows? I don’t – and I don’t want to know that. Generalizations like that tend to be Poison Phrases, and this one is in particular.
July 18, 2010Poison Phrase: You’re always cold.
While there were a lot of different opinions about how to respond to a coworker who regularly complains about the cold, everyone steered clear of,
-You’re always cold.
and,
-You’re always complaining.
As tempting at those comments are, they’re counterproductive generalizations.
July 13, 2010Poison Phrase: There are two sides to every story.
It sounds so reasonable, and that’s what makes it so poisonous. George took over a marketing project from Tom. Tom had done almost nothing on the project, so George had to scramble, and he did a fabulous job. He was not a bit happy to learn that Tom was taking credit as if he had done it alone.
Tom listened to George’s objections, but didn’t really hear. He told George,
-I’ll think about what you said. After all, there are two sides to every story.
Actually, there are more than two sides. Every story has multiple dimensions. But more than that, Tom’s comment dismisses George’s concern by indicating that both sides have equal validity.
Yes, and if a thief and an honest man disagree, the thief might make the same argument. It’s not an argument I would make, however.
