October 18, 2010Reader success story – What to say when the boss spews hate
My boss was on yet another rant about a particular ethnic group and why “They will be irrelevant in ten years” and how such and such political candidate should just tell this ethnic group to “Go F&@# themselves” and . . . You get the drift.
I have had it with this kind of talk. I’ve told him before, several times that I don’t appreciate this kind of language or this kind of hate-talk. He is a professional, who prides himself on his professionalism. Where does this kind of behavior fit into the image of a professional? GGGrrrrrrr.
On Thursday in mid-rant, I slammed my hand down on my desk and stood up. I looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve asked you before not to use that kind of language or hate-talk around me. I won’t listen to it.” Then I picked up my keys and my purse and started to edge around him to leave the office. He was too shocked to speak, but he didn’t move out of the way. While we were standing there (in a little stare-down), a consultant who works in our office walked up and started to tell an off-color joke. I looked directly at my boss and said, “It’s because you use the language you do, that he feels comfortable telling jokes like this. I won’t listen to this.” I left for an early lunch and didn’t return until after 1:30. My boss was waiting at his desk to apologize.
I think my point is that, in the past I had been asking him to stop. By taking active steps, standing up and picking up my purse and keys, I declared that I wouldn’t listen. I was taking away his audience. When he saw the consultant mimicking his behavior and I attributed it directly to his own words, I believe he saw the light. My leaving was just the punctuation. I don’t like confrontation and I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t feel strong enough to hang around after making my point. I sort of feel like I pulled a punch-and-run. If I was able to make this one tiny change in my workplace, I’ll be happy. Thanks again for the courage.
September 22, 2010Success Story: How to request people use your complete name.
What’s in a name? Well, respect for one thing. My name is often mispronounced and while I forgive people who struggle with it, I always appreciate the effort. Some people have dismissed my reminders by suggesting it’s an accent issue, or some such thing. Even if it’s an accent, if it doesn’t sound like my name to me, I would hope people would care enough to learn how I like being called and make the effort to get it closer.
Not that I’m an innocent in this matter. Ironically, when I started to write this post, I thought about a friend from years back named Pamela. I kept forgetting and calling her Pam, which she didn’t like. Thinking about her led me to search for her on the internet just now. I entered a search for… Pam instead of Pamela. Yikes! Old habits die hard!
But this is a success story about someone who graciously reminded me in an email about how she likes people to refer to her. She’s my editor at McGraw Hill for my next project. Her name is MaryTherese. When I referred to her as Mary in my email, she replied,
- I know it’s a mouthful, but I do go by my full name which is MaryTherese.
Message received, pleasantly.
September 16, 2010Reader Success Story: A brilliant mentor who shuns rankism
A reader recently posted an article I wrote about rankism on her company intranet. She told me she had planned to elicit feedback, but before she could, it came pouring in. The article started a needed conversation. One employee wrote the following letter to the editor.
Meryl’s article (From Rankism to Dynamic Dignity) reminded me of my mentor Ronald Melia. I’m sad because I miss him so much. He’s healing from a cancer-related operation, can’t talk and is too weak to sit down to write. While some didn’t care what Ron had to say, I absorbed his every word like a sponge. His ideals were worth imitating.
Aside from Einstein and my pastor, I can’t find anyone else I hold in higher regard. Ron Melia is a genuinely brilliant, yet practical person, but what makes him great is his ability to listen. He would sit me down and ask me a bunch of work-related questions. Sit there and earnestly listen to what I had to say; that made me feel really good. He wasn’t trying to make bolster my ego. It’s just part of the wholesome, unpretentious person that he is. Ron and I, each had our own responsibilities, and we were held accountable for our jobs. But it was never a hierarchical relationship.
The funny thing is that he was always talking about hierarchical societies in countries where sometimes a co-pilot or crewmember on a plane could not, or was afraid to communicate a mechanical problem to the Captain because of the Captain’s advanced rank, even if it meant life or death.
I might occasionally pose a question and Ron would have the answer. But he didn’t make me feel inept or inferior. He would playfully tell me, “See, that’s why I get the big bucks.” The communication between us was always clear. I see people as individuals, and though I might admire their achievements and their titles, when it all comes down to it, I am drawn more to their humanity.
August 19, 2010Success Story: Inviting him to share his funk instead of telling him what he feels
Meryl,
Last week you told me many men find a remark as simple as:
- Are you angry?
to be intrusive. You suggested they hear it as psychologizing, and get defensive. I was stunned, because when my girlfriends and I ask each other questions like that, we hear it as support.
So this week when my husband got bad news about a promotion he wanted, I was sweet to him, but I left him pretty much alone. I didn’t ask him about it. After several hours, he invited me for a cup of tea. Then, I simply asked how he was doing. He said he was struggling, and was forthcoming about what was going on for him.
In the past, my attempts to support him have gone south. He’d get defensive and I’d find myself thinking he should just get over it and lose any kind of compassion. Or ‘d try to fix it for him, which didn’t work for either of us. I was pleased we were able to connect this time, mainly because I didn’t pry.
June 22, 2010Reader success story: How to use different words to lighten the burden of tough times
I then stood back from the situation and thought about everything and changed the way I described it. So when people asked how things were I would say ‘a bit challenging’. This not only brought a smile to my face as using the word ‘bit’ minimized the situation and made it a huge understatement. But the use of the word challenge changed my whole perspective and attitude as I do like a challenge! The very fact I could also smile about it helped considerably.
June 10, 2010Success story in progress: responding to corporate ignominy
Speaker Mike Scott notes that the difference between a reaction and a response is… (drum roll please) about three seconds.
I love this. I also say the difference is the degree of conscious choice in our actions. The measure of our communication maturity is how long it takes to go from feeling threatened or victimized to consciously exploring the opportunity in the offense, mistake or problem, and move forward.
But that doesn’t mean we act immediately. We study what cards we have in our hand so we can play them carefully and in sequence.
I am a success story in progress. A senselessly heartless corporate action (or non-action) changed the landscape of my life almost overnight. Yes, I did lose a little sleep over it. I also saw an opportunity in it immediately. I’m still reviewing the cards in my deck, lining up my ducks, and choosing my responses.
I invite you to be a part of my success story as it unfolds. Please stay tuned, as SpeakStrong explores empowered responses to corporate ignominy. The story will unfold in subsequent weeks. I will want, need and welcome your help and support.
June 10, 2010Reader Success Story: Trainer applies PowerPhrases when sideswiped at a seminar
A reader wrote:
“As a professional trainer I sometimes have colleagues visit my class to observe and learn. Recently I was working with a female colleague who traveled with me for a week. Quite honestly we didn’t “click”, and the week was turning out to be quite a challenge. Mid-week she was sitting in on a class I teach on dealing with emotions. At one point in the class I asked if someone in the class would engage me in a difficult conversation. The point being to show how to diffuse someone when you’re angry.
No one ever wants to do it – I always have to talk someone into it. But her hand went STRAIGHT up. So I called on her and she said, “Yeah – what’s up with your hair?!” (I had my hair clipped up that day). I had 75 women in the room waiting to see how I would respond. My adrenaline rushed and my face turned bright red – we had already had so many problems. I was angry and embarrassed.
Prior to learning PowerPhrases I probably would have had a small meltdown. But I paused and found a phrase. ”What would make you ask me a question like that?” I said. It’s funny, because I was so proud of myself for speaking strong – I thought we were through. Turns out we weren’t. Then she said, “I don’t know. Turn around. I think you look pretty unprofessional!” Wow! I paused again and found another phrase. ”Well, I do want to hear your comments, but not the pot shots.”
I gained a tremendous amount of confidence that day and I have Meryl’s PowerPhrases to thank. The best communication book ever.”
May 25, 2010Success Story: Dance transforms speaking effectiveness
Which is why I offer NIA DVDs even though my focus is communication.
A reader wrote:
“I learned an interesting twist I didn’t think much about, dancing helps with public speaking. I can recall how uncomfortable body language felt when speaking in front of a group for the first few times. As if I never used my arms or hands before. Dancing helps people get comfortable with their body and accentuate movements.
After I performed at district conference and most attendees participated in a group class afterward, I invited a new speaker to join us for a complimentary private lesson. He is a young, shy guy with terrible posture and body language but he’s a sweetie. It was incredible to watch the results in just one lesson. He looked like a different person when he stood tall with his focus on his core muscles and I paired him up with someone to practice with from our group class and his social interaction was much better. I look forward to him in our group class and seeing how he continues to improve. Some pleasures in life can be so simple….”
I agree with this reader. NIA is a way for you to dynamize your communication through dance...
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Related posts which may interest you
- Sometimes storming out is a PowerPhrase: A view of The View
- Reader success story – What to say when the boss spews hate
- Reader Question: help – my message doesn’t make it to my tongue
- Ask Meryl ~ Not my native tongue…keys to changing habits
- Reader Success Story: Trainer applies PowerPhrases when sideswiped at a seminar
May 6, 2010Success Story: energy at work by noting interests
Meryl,
I’m an executive assistant shared by the HR director and the VP of a map company. Much of what I do isn’t directly in line with my career interests, but I have to hand it to my employers. They know I like to write and we don’t have copywriters on the staff. So when something comes due for production that calls for some writing, they ask me to do it. It doesn’t happen that regularly, but the fact that they recognize and address my interests makes me enjoy my job a lot more.
April 23, 2010Facing the fire yields useful feedback for newsletter appeal: Success Story
I assumed Joy meant to hit forward and hit reply instead. It was a copy of my newsletter with the question – “do you want me to keep forwarding these? There seems to be less and less each time.”
So I hit reply. I said,
- Oops – I think you set me this by mistake. But since you did, would you be willing to explain what you liked better about my newsletter before? it could be really useful to me.”
Joy replied with specific useful observations.
- She likes the success stories and I haven’t been including many lately.
- I refer readers online more than I had and she doesn’t want to go online.
- And the examples seem to be more general and less about how to handle your typical business challenges than they once were.
Joy’s words were well thought-out, well communicated and easy to digest. I won’t be customizing my newsletter for her, but I will be making changes.
It was a happy accident that gave me information I wanted. I’m glad I faced the fire and asked for feedback. And I thank her for being so considered in her response.
P.S. Joy’s daughter answered her question about whether she wanted her mother to keep forwarding the newsletter. Joy’s daughter was quite specific as well about why she does want to keep getting them.
