November 3, 2010What to say when you need to point out a few flaws in an achievement
Ned knew Marla’s brochure was a major achievement for her. He also knew she wanted it to not just be good, but to be great. So he said,
- Let’s celebrate your success here before we tweak it.
He went on to congratulate her, tell he why he saw this as a major accomplishment and invited her to share her own excitement about it. It’s easy to get so task-oriented that we forget to consider what went into a major but still imperfect effort.
At the HEART of great communication is responsiveness – responding, not just to the work that still needs to be done, but also to honor the effort and achievement that was accomplished.
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October 18, 2010What to say when you want to offer some advice: tips from @danmulern
It’s about getting permission before you tell someone what to do. Otherwise they might hear suggestions as put-downs, harangue or second guessing. Dan Mulhern offered these phrases in his Reading for Leading blog.
- Are you open to some coaching?
- Are you open to some advice?
- Can I share something I’ve seen?
- Are you interested in hearing something, cuz I think I can offer you something that’s useful for you at work (or with your friends or at school)?
This is for work and home – my husband and i preface our input with requests for permission too. One we commonly use is,
- Can I make a suggestion?
It’s a sign of respect.
Check out Dan’s post for what to do if the answer is “no.”
October 13, 2010What to say when you want to share an opinion without sounding bossy
Carla often is overbearing with her husband Jim. She is prone to talk like she’s his mother and tell him what to do. He then either complies or resists, but it hijacks his ability to be decisive in the relationship.
When she decided she wanted them to sell a trailer they had for years and hadn’t used, she said,
- I can see reasons to keep it and more reasons not to. If you were to decide to sell the trailer, I would support your decision.
Several days later, Jim came to Carla and said, “I’ve decided we should sell the trailer.”
Of course the only way this communication is honest, is if she would respect his decision to keep the trailer if that’s what he decided. Trading control for influence does have its risks.
October 6, 2010PowerPhrase: Please check in before you check out
It’s frustrating when you have a dynamic exchange going with someone and they unplug without letting you know. Or you’re working hard to align with someone, making yourself available to them, and they don’t seem to be trying to align with you.
It can dawn on you when you’re on the phone with them and answers suddenly get vague, that they’ve taken their attention off you and put it on something else. It’s easy enough to avoid problems when you shift gears.
Yesterday I was having a very productive Skype chat with a vendor when he noted,
- Oh – I’m in a meeting now.
Those few words gave me the cue that he was switching gears, so I didn’t keep trying to engage with someone who was engaged elsewhere.
So here’s a phrase to keep your alignment.
- Please check in before you check out.
If someone you’re interacting with is switching gears, ask them to let you know before they do.
And if you depend on them, ask,
- Please check in before you check out and see if there is something I need before you become unavailable.
It’s simple courtesy, but sometimes we need to ask for it.
October 6, 2010PowerPhrase: I’d like more me in our we.
It’s challenging but productive to create partnerships and teams that are like entities unto themselves. Really good connections are like combining hydrogen and oxygen and getting something that is very different from either element. And finding the mix can be a bit like birthing a baby. There are moments when you wonder if it’s worth the trouble. And once it’s born, you know it is.
Often people in partnerships expect the other to conform to them without being willing to adapt. It’s like a musician who wants to play with another musician but expects to play exactly as they do alone and expects the other musician to adapt completely to them. In some instances that works, but usually it misses the gifts the second musician brings to the music.
If you find yourself in that kind of situation, here’s a PowerPhrase for you.
- I’d like more me in our we.
That keeps the focus on the partnership that you are creating and doesn’t make it into a your turn, my turn kind of request.
If your friend unilaterally picks the restaurants and movies for the two of you, tell him,
- I’d like more me in our we.
If your business partner thinks her needs should always take priority, say,
- I’d like more me in our we.
If anyone seems to think it’s all about them, don’t argue that it should be more about you. Tell them,
- I’d like more me in our we.
After all, without the right amount of hydrogen mixed with the oxygen, we’d never get water.
I like water.
September 22, 2010PowerPhrase: The ultimate communication formula, and the empowerment sentence stems
Jenny Finn is a movement educator who grounds people and brings them into their power by directing them to pay attention to their feet and their breath. Try it. It’s pretty effective. She also talks about how much power we lose when we try to get other people to be responsible for our happiness. Wise words indeed.
As I frolicked around her dance floor last night feeling enlivened and energized, it occurred to me that when I coach, I do something similar to her refocus. We talk for a while, and then sum up the conversation by remembering the formula, say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t be mean when you say it. Then I’ll ask,
- What do you think?
- What do you feel?
- What do you want?
There’s a lot more to a productive conversation than you knowing what you think, feel and want, but it is a great place to start. Even saying,
- I don’t know what I want yet…
is better than ignoring the question.
Jenn Finn provides empowerment through grounding in her way. I provide it in my own way. Put them together, and I’d say you’ll be Speaking Strong. (Which, by the way, is a great book for you to learn more about how to find your authentic power.)
September 18, 2010PowerPhrase: Let’s take one step at a time.
I know myself well enough to realize that I need to reign myself in at times. Sometimes people I work with do that for me. Today a web marketer I work with said,
- Let’s take one step at a time.
What makes his words so powerful to me is that he has a process with a track record, so I don’t hear his words as a dismissal – just as prioritizing.
And taking one step at a time is not only more productive, it feels much more sane and balanced.
September 17, 2010PowerPhrase: Since you don’t find value in my solutions, I’d like to hear your ideas..
You’re putting yourself on the line trying to solve a problem, and they’re in the peanut gallery shooting your suggestions down. Instead of letting their attacks put you on the defensive, say,
- Since you don’t find value or hear ideas to build on in my solutions, I’d like to hear your recommendations. Maybe we can find something to build on there.
And when they share their ideas, ask them to be specific. Don’t play tit for tat, however. Don’t pick their ideas apart like they did with yours. And don’t play gotcha if they come up empty. Use this phrase as a constructive starting ground.
September 15, 2010PowerPhrase: I look up to you as a mentor. What would you do in my position right now?
- I look up to you as a mentor. What would you do in my position right now?
September 10, 2010PowerPhrase: I don’t want x, I do want y
When I work with people to help them find phrases, we ramble about a bit before closing in on what to say. Generally things get clear when I focus the conversation on:
- I think
- I feel
- I want.
And the reminder to say what they mean and mean what they say without being mean when they say it is useful.
It also helps to contrast what they don’t want with what they do. For example, in managing expectations, you can be clear, kind and direct by saying,
- I don’t want to disappoint you. I do want to set realistic expectations. That’s why I’m suggesting that we focus on x instead of y.
