December 24, 200938,000,000 plus hits on tech blog illustrates a New (Rule) Dynamic of Communication

“Is it me?” I wondered as I tried to find properties in Word 2007. It was simple in Word 2003. Help was characteristically unhelpful. So once again I conduct a Google search to learn what I thought should be straightforward information. Misery loved company, so I was pleased to discover that the blogs were full of people who shared my frustration. I had to read through several comments and complaints before I got to the answer, ( Alt f) but at least I found the answer. It was certainly faster than help would have been.

One commenter noted:

It’s amazing that Google has this listed with 38,000,000 plus hits.

Microsoft might want to pay attention to the chatter and find a way to be the hero instead of the chump in these quests.

What’s the New (Rule) Dynamic of Communication we see in action? It’s like the architect who builds a building but waits to see where people create paths before she builds sidewalks. The sidewalks go where people want them, not where people decide they should be.

If Microsoft paid attention to the ways people get information from bloggers like the blogger who helped me find properties in Word 2007, they could discover how to make their own help helpful.

So the New Rule is to answer the questions people are asking, not the ones you think they should ask.

December 14, 2009Code white, change and the willingness to see things as they are

My book SpeakStrong divides the Speak Strong process into five steps. The first step is to be willing to see things as they are. I call it: Commit to code white.

That comes from a process that some groups of nurses apply, where if a nurse notices someone is verbally abusive to another nurse, she calls out a Code White. The nurses congregate around the offender and silently watch.

I demonstrated the power of Code White in a SpeakStrong seminar for inner city youth. I instructed my volunteer “nurses” in the code. I had a volunteer “doctor” unfairly criticize another “nurse.” I called a Code White, and my group of nurses gathered around and silently watched.

“Doctor Fisher” fell silent. I invited him to continue. “With all these people watching?” he asked. The point was as clear as it could be. There is power in quiet observation. Too often we perpetuate an offense by pretending it isn’t happening. Code White doesn’t solve all of our communication challenges, but it’s a strong first step. I have eight skill sets based on it in my SpeakStrong book. Why haven’t you ordered yours yet?

December 14, 2009Inner city youth: listen with heart and quit when you’re ahead

I spoke to a group of inner city youth last week. Actually, I listened a lot too. And I related from my own experience when a couple of people’s well-intended words didn’t quite come out as they had hoped.

“Misty,” a teacher, mentioned she was glad the group was being exposed to the information, because her brother had died in high school, and she never had the kind of communication with him she would have wanted. She explained how prone they were to fight.

“Roper” replied that fighting was probably how they showed each other they loved each other. Misty said, yes, but it wasn’t the kind of relationship she wanted to have.

Misty’s words carried an emotional impact that caught the attention of this lively group. I was grateful for them.

Roper’s comment sounded like it might have been a negation of Misty’s sentiments. And Misty’s response sounded like it might have been a negation of Roper’s comment.

But to anyone who listened with their heart, both were speaking with the intent of uplifting and inspiring the other. It might have been more evident had they each acknowledged the other’s contribution before they offered alternative perspectives. But to an ear that listens to intent, that omission can be overlooked.

As we closed for the day, one of the students thanked me for coming. He went on to acknowledge my being on time. Somehow the conversation went downhill into a discussion of a teacher’s  “late arrival.” (Both he and I had arrived early, the teacher was on time.) What started out as a gracious remark started to go downhill.

So we decided to quit while we were still ahead.

You don’t have to be an inner city youth to have your words come across in a less gracious manner than intended. Fortunately for this group, they have teachers that know how to listen with their hearts. I hope you’re lucky enough to have people who listen with theirs.

September 1, 2009Feedback Tip: Take the gift, do not drink the poison

Most every criticism someone could make about you is likely to contain at least an iota of truth. It’s also likely to contain at least an iota of projection, judgment or the offer’s own issues. The truth is the gift. The projection is the poison. Take the gift and leave the poison behind.

The part of the feedback that is true is a Trojan horse for the earnest among us. It lets the poison get in. And the poison is more likely to burn if you have a self image to protect. If you take ownership of your limits and stop defending like you’re supposed to be perfect, you’ll be able to take the gift and skip the poison.

Feedback is like a mirror – but recognize that many mirrors are flawed. They can give you a distorted picture of what you look like.

You can read more about that here. The Gift and Poison of Mirrors: How to give and receive feedback that doesn’t take you out

August 21, 2009PowerPhrase Quick Tip: Yes and…

An acquaintance who does improv acting told me the key idea of improv is responding to what came before with yes, and… In other words, one never negates but expands instead.

What a great approach to communication of all kinds!

August 19, 2009Updateded quick tip: Only talk what you walk

Today I received two emails from female associates with sister in the title. I guess it’s girlfriend day. One invited me to an event she was promoting, but also included a lovely note. The other was from a friend who had canceled our last three attempts to get together at the very last minute. The casual nature of her cancellations indicated that she was treating our plans as intentions rather than the commitments we had made to each other. Her email was a forward to about thirty women and contained a treatise on the value of girlfriends.

I was happy to receive the promotional email with a personal note, but felt less heartwarmed by the poetry and prose from someone whose actions had not matched the flowery language of her forward. It reminded me of a chapter in my SpeakStrong book that says not to talk a walk you’re not walking. It’s better to remain silent than to speak of things you don’t live up to.

I do value the women in my life…including my “flaky” friend. I just consider this a reminder of how talking the talk can highlight the fact that we may not be walking the walk. It reminds me to make a note that before I let the words leave my mouth (or my fingers…) I want to check to determine that I’m living what I advocate.

Here’s a quote from trainer Colleen Stanley.

“Do what the competition isn’t willing to do….though you’re probably not willing to do it either!”

August 18, 2009Quick Tip: How NOT to give feedback

Has anyone ever given you a gift and dictated how you should use it? They gave you a picture and wanted it on the mantle when you put it on a table? They brought wine and insisted you use it immediately, even though you already had plenty open? That kind of control turns a gift into an achor or a burden.

Feedback can be the same way. Carl passed some feedback on to Linda about how her word choice offended a client. She thanked him for the suggestion and said she would be careful to avoid those words. But Carl kept pushing the issue. Linda didn’t understand why he didn’t take his word for it that she had received the feedback and would implement it and they would move on.

Later, Carl mentioned to Linda that he understood the feedback was hard for her to hear. She tried to explain that she had no issue with the feedback but wondered why he didn’t trust her to implement it when she had already said she would. It sounded to her as if Carl was tryiing to control how she heard the feedback.

Some people only need a whisper to get the point. When you push the point, it implies they aren’t professional enough to be able to implement the information you gave them.

Feedback is like a gift. You give it to someone and let it go. It’s theirs now.

August 17, 2009PowerPhrase quick tip: cry at maudlin movies

I have a new commitment to myself. I will allow myself to cry at maudlin movies – and even over long distance commercials. If the producer is manipulating me, so be it. Sure, I’ll think twice before I act on impulse like the hero in the flick did. Yes, I’lI decide whether to change phone services based on reason, not the emotional impact of the reunited family. But I’ll let myself feel sweetness where ever I find it without asking permission from my intellect. I invite you to do the same to open yourself to tenderness of feeling.

I think of a couple of little girls who demonstrated their homemade bow and arrow. It shot no more than six inches. They took joy in their accomplishment and that joy was in no way diminished by their knowledge that “real” bows and arrows cover greater distance.

I wish I could watch movies with those two. What a heart-opener that would be.

July 27, 2009Eye relief

I like this – simple and helpful if your eyes get tired from too much computer.

Eye relief

July 4, 2009Quick tip: New to twitter workshop: http://phylliskhare.com

I work with Phyllis to shortcut my learning curve in social media. Why figure it out yourself when someone can take you straight there? Good stuff.

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