August 3, 2010Preemptive dismissals: embrace a point before you argue with it
A great way to spoil a movie is to pick it apart while you watch it. A great way to spoil a conversation is to argue with points before they’ve been made. It’s called being a wet blanket. It’s also called preemptive dismissal.
That’s why brainstorming and evaluation are two different functions.
And why movie critics can miss the fun if they only see a movie once. And conversation critics can miss opportunities if they argue too soon.
Is it possible to appreciate and enjoy a movie and a point while you look for the flaws? Yes – and most of us are better off separating the functions. I think most of us agree that we would lose the flavor of a love poem written to us if we edit it as we read.
I have phrases to help the listening process in the following article: How to Use Reflective Listening Scripts: The Top Ten Dos, Don’ts, and PowerPhrases to Promote Understanding
June 3, 2010Soul sells books. I say that’s great news.
I recently heard an author say that if you study best-selling study book titles, you will see more than half are about soul in one way or another in just about every category .
You can’t even say that about sex. So it would appear that soul sells better than sex.
Interesting, because it seems many authors try to take soul OUT of their writing. Speakers, take it out of their speaking, too.
Time to reconsider that decision!
April 28, 2010Scary voice mails. Consider yours from the receiver perspective.
This voice mail wasn’t as scary as the message the FBI agent left. I didn’t know for days that he was calling to hire me to speak. And it wasn’t as scary as the IRS agent’s message. She called to hire me too.She might have mentioned the order of her business in her voice mail.
It wasn’t as scary as those messages, but it did get my adrenaline going. It was from a CD replicator who was filling a rush order for me. I had to get this order on time. So when he left a message today – the day the order should ship – that message said,
- Call me. I need to talk to you.
I was unnerved. I also was in a meeting and couldn’t call for several hours.
He had called to tell me about a change in how the invoice would be formatted. My order had shipped.
Do you have tales like this? Have you received voice mails that left your imagination racing? And have you done the same?
Don’t leave scary voice mails. Consider them from your receiver’s perspectives. Especially if you work for the FBI or the IRS.
April 24, 2010Q clarity – a surprisingly simple way to enhance team email communication
Q clarity. It’s one of the new codes my team and I decided to implement in our emails. We’ll be sharing our codes and complete clarity covenant soon, but for now, I’ll share this one. It’s deceptively simple. Here it it.
When we send an email with a question, we put a Q in the subject line and a Q next to the question.
When we send an email with 2 questions, we put 2Q into the subject line and put a Q by both questions.
When we send an email with 3 questions, you put… well… you get the picture.
Why is this so effective?
- It forces us to ask clear questions instead of throwing out questions as statements. “Maybe we should do this” becomes “Should we do this?”
- When questions are clear, answers are clear.
- When we have 3 questions in the subject line and 3 questions marked in the body, we stand an excellent chance of getting 3 answers.
I have lots more email tips in articles on my SpeakStrong article page. I can always use more – and would love to read about what’s working for you.
December 24, 200938,000,000 plus hits on tech blog illustrates a New (Rule) Dynamic of Communication
“Is it me?” I wondered as I tried to find properties in Word 2007. It was simple in Word 2003. Help was characteristically unhelpful. So once again I conduct a Google search to learn what I thought should be straightforward information. Misery loved company, so I was pleased to discover that the blogs were full of people who shared my frustration. I had to read through several comments and complaints before I got to the answer, ( Alt f) but at least I found the answer. It was certainly faster than help would have been.
One commenter noted:
It’s amazing that Google has this listed with 38,000,000 plus hits.
Microsoft might want to pay attention to the chatter and find a way to be the hero instead of the chump in these quests.
What’s the New (Rule) Dynamic of Communication we see in action? It’s like the architect who builds a building but waits to see where people create paths before she builds sidewalks. The sidewalks go where people want them, not where people decide they should be.
If Microsoft paid attention to the ways people get information from bloggers like the blogger who helped me find properties in Word 2007, they could discover how to make their own help helpful.
So the New Rule is to answer the questions people are asking, not the ones you think they should ask.
December 14, 2009Code white, change and the willingness to see things as they are
My book SpeakStrong divides the Speak Strong process into five steps. The first step is to be willing to see things as they are. I call it: Commit to code white.
That comes from a process that some groups of nurses apply, where if a nurse notices someone is verbally abusive to another nurse, she calls out a Code White. The nurses congregate around the offender and silently watch.
I demonstrated the power of Code White in a SpeakStrong seminar for inner city youth. I instructed my volunteer “nurses” in the code. I had a volunteer “doctor” unfairly criticize another “nurse.” I called a Code White, and my group of nurses gathered around and silently watched.
“Doctor Fisher” fell silent. I invited him to continue. “With all these people watching?” he asked. The point was as clear as it could be. There is power in quiet observation. Too often we perpetuate an offense by pretending it isn’t happening. Code White doesn’t solve all of our communication challenges, but it’s a strong first step. I have eight skill sets based on it in my SpeakStrong book. Why haven’t you ordered yours yet?
December 14, 2009Inner city youth: listen with heart and quit when you’re ahead
I spoke to a group of inner city youth last week. Actually, I listened a lot too. And I related from my own experience when a couple of people’s well-intended words didn’t quite come out as they had hoped.
“Misty,” a teacher, mentioned she was glad the group was being exposed to the information, because her brother had died in high school, and she never had the kind of communication with him she would have wanted. She explained how prone they were to fight.
“Roper” replied that fighting was probably how they showed each other they loved each other. Misty said, yes, but it wasn’t the kind of relationship she wanted to have.
Misty’s words carried an emotional impact that caught the attention of this lively group. I was grateful for them.
Roper’s comment sounded like it might have been a negation of Misty’s sentiments. And Misty’s response sounded like it might have been a negation of Roper’s comment.
But to anyone who listened with their heart, both were speaking with the intent of uplifting and inspiring the other. It might have been more evident had they each acknowledged the other’s contribution before they offered alternative perspectives. But to an ear that listens to intent, that omission can be overlooked.
As we closed for the day, one of the students thanked me for coming. He went on to acknowledge my being on time. Somehow the conversation went downhill into a discussion of a teacher’s “late arrival.” (Both he and I had arrived early, the teacher was on time.) What started out as a gracious remark started to go downhill.
So we decided to quit while we were still ahead.
You don’t have to be an inner city youth to have your words come across in a less gracious manner than intended. Fortunately for this group, they have teachers that know how to listen with their hearts. I hope you’re lucky enough to have people who listen with theirs.
September 1, 2009Feedback Tip: Take the gift, do not drink the poison
Most every criticism someone could make about you is likely to contain at least an iota of truth. It’s also likely to contain at least an iota of projection, judgment or the offer’s own issues. The truth is the gift. The projection is the poison. Take the gift and leave the poison behind.
The part of the feedback that is true is a Trojan horse for the earnest among us. It lets the poison get in. And the poison is more likely to burn if you have a self image to protect. If you take ownership of your limits and stop defending like you’re supposed to be perfect, you’ll be able to take the gift and skip the poison.
Feedback is like a mirror – but recognize that many mirrors are flawed. They can give you a distorted picture of what you look like.
You can read more about that here. The Gift and Poison of Mirrors: How to give and receive feedback that doesn’t take you out
August 21, 2009PowerPhrase Quick Tip: Yes and…
An acquaintance who does improv acting told me the key idea of improv is responding to what came before with yes, and… In other words, one never negates but expands instead.
What a great approach to communication of all kinds!
August 19, 2009Updateded quick tip: Only talk what you walk
Today I received two emails from female associates with sister in the title. I guess it’s girlfriend day. One invited me to an event she was promoting, but also included a lovely note. The other was from a friend who had canceled our last three attempts to get together at the very last minute. The casual nature of her cancellations indicated that she was treating our plans as intentions rather than the commitments we had made to each other. Her email was a forward to about thirty women and contained a treatise on the value of girlfriends.
I was happy to receive the promotional email with a personal note, but felt less heartwarmed by the poetry and prose from someone whose actions had not matched the flowery language of her forward. It reminded me of a chapter in my SpeakStrong book that says not to talk a walk you’re not walking. It’s better to remain silent than to speak of things you don’t live up to.
I do value the women in my life…including my “flaky” friend. I just consider this a reminder of how talking the talk can highlight the fact that we may not be walking the walk. It reminds me to make a note that before I let the words leave my mouth (or my fingers…) I want to check to determine that I’m living what I advocate.
Here’s a quote from trainer Colleen Stanley.
“Do what the competition isn’t willing to do….though you’re probably not willing to do it either!”
