August 18, 2009Quick Tip: How NOT to give feedback
Has anyone ever given you a gift and dictated how you should use it? They gave you a picture and wanted it on the mantle when you put it on a table? They brought wine and insisted you use it immediately, even though you already had plenty open? That kind of control turns a gift into an achor or a burden.
Feedback can be the same way. Carl passed some feedback on to Linda about how her word choice offended a client. She thanked him for the suggestion and said she would be careful to avoid those words. But Carl kept pushing the issue. Linda didn’t understand why he didn’t take his word for it that she had received the feedback and would implement it and they would move on.
Later, Carl mentioned to Linda that he understood the feedback was hard for her to hear. She tried to explain that she had no issue with the feedback but wondered why he didn’t trust her to implement it when she had already said she would. It sounded to her as if Carl was tryiing to control how she heard the feedback.
Some people only need a whisper to get the point. When you push the point, it implies they aren’t professional enough to be able to implement the information you gave them.
Feedback is like a gift. You give it to someone and let it go. It’s theirs now.
August 17, 2009PowerPhrase quick tip: cry at maudlin movies
I have a new commitment to myself. I will allow myself to cry at maudlin movies – and even over long distance commercials. If the producer is manipulating me, so be it. Sure, I’ll think twice before I act on impulse like the hero in the flick did. Yes, I’lI decide whether to change phone services based on reason, not the emotional impact of the reunited family. But I’ll let myself feel sweetness where ever I find it without asking permission from my intellect. I invite you to do the same to open yourself to tenderness of feeling.
I think of a couple of little girls who demonstrated their homemade bow and arrow. It shot no more than six inches. They took joy in their accomplishment and that joy was in no way diminished by their knowledge that “real” bows and arrows cover greater distance.
I wish I could watch movies with those two. What a heart-opener that would be.
July 27, 2009Eye relief
I like this – simple and helpful if your eyes get tired from too much computer.
July 4, 2009Quick tip: New to twitter workshop: http://phylliskhare.com
I work with Phyllis to shortcut my learning curve in social media. Why figure it out yourself when someone can take you straight there? Good stuff.
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Related posts which may interest you
- Got a radio gig from twitter. http://acloserlookradio.com/ So that’s what my social media coach @phylliskhare was talking about.
- Response to those who are afraid for their employees to blog – Jason Falls
- How to exploit friends and manipulate people
- Dumping and Preaching are not Speaking Strong
- Social media savvy and New Dymamics
June 23, 2009Quick Tip: New email book says only check email 3x day
Randy Dean’s new book suggests checking email 3X a day. I”m not sure I can discipline myself to do that. But I might give it a try…
I feel freer already…
June 19, 2009SpeakStrong, the nothing box and gender brain differences
You’ve got to love it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc Men have their ideas tucked into boxes that don’t touch. Women’s brains are webs…everything thought and experience is connected.
Stereotypes are dangerous ground but lightly embraced descriptors can sure add clarity.
We tend to assume that others think like we do. That’s why Speaking Strong is about the three stories – yours, theirs and ours. We speak from our own experience, incorporate theirs, and come up with a shared perspective.
Can a woman really find her way into a man’s “nothing box?” Does she even want to?
My response is, yes she can, but she can’t force her way there. And as far as wanting to goes, it’s a wonderfully compliment to the way her own mind works, so I would say yes, she does.
June 19, 2009SpeakStrong HT say NO Quick Tips for Woman’s World
I got a call from a Woman’s World journalist on how to say no. Here’s what I gave her. We’ll see what she uses.
Her header
Get extra hours in your day – effortlessly!
Are you always the one who gets asked to start a carpool, work late so others don’t have to, or pushed into things you really don’t want to – or even can’t – do because you’re afraid of letting people down?
Well, don’t worry about it! First, research shows turning down a request doesn’t make you seem rude to the other person at all – we feel worse about it than they do! But there are ways to turn down requests and still appear polite, experts promise, so you don’t have to feel guilty! Here’s how!
WW Approach
Ask a favor after you say no. Sound crazy? “It works because when we say no, we feel guilty and indebted to that person,” says David Lieberman, PhD, author of Get Anyone to Do Anything. “But by asking a favor of them right after – especially one you know they can’t really do – you’ve in effect cancelled that debt so there’s no reason for guilt!” How to do it.
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My comment:
I don’t care for this one as stated because it sounds manipulative, but I do see the value of turning the situation around.
- When you decide to say no, think of why. What priority do you have that helping them would compromise.
- Avoid sounding retaliatory or defensive in asking.
- Use the word “because” in explaining why you can’t comply, and ask for their help with your priority. The word “because” sounds authoritative, even if your reason isn’t all that good.
- Say, “I’m going to say no because I’m working on X. There is something I could use help with on that project. Would you…?”
Example: Kids are home for the summer and will barrage their parents with requests. When the child says, “Can you take me to Chuck-E-Cheese, say, “Not today because I’m cleaning the basement. I could use some help. Would you sort through the boxes for me to see which ones are still good?”
Your kids will stop nagging you to take them to Chuck-E-Cheese.
WW Approach
Her approach
Shake your head as you say no. Visual cues like shaking your head no are actually more effective than the word ‘no’, according to psychological research!
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My comments
If you’re a reluctant no-sayer, chances are good that your body-language broadcasts your hesitation and signals the other person that you can be pressured into a yes. If your words say no and your body says yes, the requester will believe your body language. Slowly turn your head from side to side before you speak and look up and to the left as if you are considering their request and scanning your mind researching the situation to see what’s possible. That way your shaking head looks like you’re reading the situation and objectively reporting what you observe rather than stubbornly resisting.
Her Scenario:
Be thankful to be asked. Acknowledge the person’s request with a flattering statement, such as ‘Thanks for thinking of me,’ or ‘What a great idea!’ This actually makes them feel good about asking you – even though they didn’t get the answer they wanted. More tk.
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My comment
Some phrases:
• “I understand this is important.” Then go on to say, “My situation is… Perhaps next time.”
• “I appreciate you thinking of me.” Then go on to say, “I have other plans. I’m sure you’ll find the person you need.”
• “I see you need help.” Then go on to say, I can’t give you the help you need because… ___?
• “I’m honored that you thought of me.” Then go on to say, “This is too big a project for me. I wish I could help.
• “Sounds interesting.” Then go on to say, “I have other commitments”
• “I know this is important.” Then go on to say, “ I’m working on… so I won’t be able to
Stall for time.
Chronic yes-sayers need to break the yes habit. Do that by adopting a standard delay phrase and using it regularly – even if you expect to say yes. Some phrases are,
- Can I get back to you on that?
- Let me check and get back to you.
- I need a few minutes to consider your request.
- I’d like a little more information to decide if this will work for me.
This will give you the space you need to overcome a yes habit.