October 20, 2010Ageism on both sides of the spectrum

I’m cleaning out my inbox, and I found an email from a young political candidate, Matt Zeller, explaining why his youth is a reason to vote for him. I can’t find an online copy of his letter, but his site is here. He writes about how some discount him for being so young,

The next email I read was one of my favorite authors, Kerry Patterson. He wrote about a couple he knows at church that have been shuffled into greeters despite being interesting and experienced people. You can read that insightful and endearing tale here.

Both speak of ageism, which is a form of rankism.

Age brings it’s gifts and so does youth. It’s a pity when any of us get ignored when we have much to offer.

I will say, however, that some people I know don’t mind. My 90 year old dad said one thing he likes about getting old is that people expect so little of you. After a lifetime of achievement, he’s happy to let the world turn without him.

But if you want to be in the game and have what it takes, it’s disappointing to be overlooked due to too many or two few years on the planet. Fortunately for all of us, we are learning to overlook the externals and consider the gifts of people of all ages, races, (dis)abilities and other differences.

October 18, 2010Reader success story – What to say when the boss spews hate

My boss was on yet another rant about a particular ethnic group and why “They will be irrelevant in ten years” and how such and such political candidate should just tell this ethnic group to “Go F&@# themselves” and . . . You get the drift.

I have had it with this kind of talk. I’ve told him before, several times that I don’t appreciate this kind of language or this kind of hate-talk. He is a professional, who prides himself on his professionalism. Where does this kind of behavior fit into the image of a professional? GGGrrrrrrr.

On Thursday in mid-rant, I slammed my hand down on my desk and stood up. I looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve asked you before not to use that kind of language or hate-talk around me. I won’t listen to it.” Then I picked up my keys and my purse and started to edge around him to leave the office. He was too shocked to speak, but he didn’t move out of the way. While we were standing there (in a little stare-down), a consultant who works in our office walked up and started to tell an off-color joke. I looked directly at my boss and said, “It’s because you use the language you do, that he feels comfortable telling jokes like this. I won’t listen to this.” I left for an early lunch and didn’t return until after 1:30. My boss was waiting at his desk to apologize.

I think my point is that, in the past I had been asking him to stop. By taking active steps, standing up and picking up my purse and keys, I declared that I wouldn’t listen. I was taking away his audience. When he saw the consultant mimicking his behavior and I attributed it directly to his own words, I believe he saw the light. My leaving was just the punctuation. I don’t like confrontation and I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t feel strong enough to hang around after making my point. I sort of feel like I pulled a punch-and-run. If I was able to make this one tiny change in my workplace, I’ll be happy. Thanks again for the courage.

October 18, 2010A few tickets left for my how to stop gossip webinar with McGraw HIll

Las tie I checked, there were 16 tickets left for my How to Stop Gossip webinar. Check it out.

Here’s the description.

Think you have a gossip problem? What you probably have is a contentious communication culture. Communication cultures create environments of trust or distrust. A high level of trust eliminates the need for defensive posturing and manipulation, which make it easier to resolve issues and reach clarity.

This session tells managers how to develop a dynamic communication culture that respects everyone’s dignity and builds employee strengths, even in difficult situations. This style of dynamic communication creates synergy that finds the opportunity in problems and strengths in mistakes. This webinar will provide sample phrases of ways to challenge adversarial comments that divide and turn the communication culture around into one that unifies.

About the presenter

Meryl Runion is the president and CEO Of SpeakStrong, Inc., and director of The Center for Responsible Communication. She is a popular speaker and the author of six books, including Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors and the forthcoming Perfect Phrases for Developing Dynamic Leaders. She has worked alongside such leading companies as IBM, Johnson & Johnson, GE, and Progressive.

October 18, 2010What to say when you want to offer some advice: tips from @danmulern

It’s about getting permission before you tell someone what to do. Otherwise they might hear suggestions as put-downs, harangue or second guessing. Dan Mulhern offered these phrases in his Reading for Leading blog.

• Are you open to some coaching?
• Are you open to some advice?
• Can I share something I’ve seen?
• Are you interested in hearing something, cuz I think I can offer you something that’s useful for you at work (or with your friends or at school)?

This is for work and home – my husband and i preface our input with requests for permission too. One we commonly use is,

• Can I make a suggestion?

It’s a sign of respect.

Check out Dan’s post for what to do if the answer is “no.”

October 16, 2010Sometimes storming out is a PowerPhrase: A view of The View

Thursday, Joy Beher and Whoopi Goldberg angrily walked off the set of The View when an interview with Bill O’Reilly degenerated into a shouting match. They received praise and criticism for walking out.

One of my principles is: A PowerPhrase is as Strong as it needs to be and no stronger. I was searching my site when I found the following reader success story from 2007.

October 13, 2010What to say when you want to share an opinion without sounding bossy

Carla often is overbearing with her husband Jim. She is prone to talk like she’s his mother and tell him what to do. He then either complies or resists, but it hijacks his ability to be decisive in the relationship.

When she decided she wanted them to sell a trailer they had for years and hadn’t used, she said,

• I can see reasons to keep it and more reasons not to. If you were to decide to sell the trailer, I would support your decision.

Several days later, Jim came to Carla and said, “I’ve decided we should sell the trailer.”

Of course the only way this communication is honest, is if she would respect his decision to keep the trailer if that’s what he decided. Trading control for influence does have its risks.

October 11, 2010Reinventing yourself is less interesting than embracing and expressing your authentic self

Reinvention is a hot topic these days. Everyone is busy transforming themselves. Not me. I’m becoming more of who I already am. I invite you to join me. Start with

• Clearing

Get rid of old habits of being who we’re not.

• Clarifying

Let who we are unfold in no uncertain terms.

• Committing

Putting our heart (coeur in French, or courage) into expressing who we are.

• Caring

Put out heart into the world and aligning our personal expression with compassion for others

And

• Communion-icating.

Expressing ourselves in ways that take the person we’re talking to into account.

But reinventing?

Reinventing carries the risk that it will discard parts of your essence and create a new image to replace an old image rather than empowering who you are at the core. It doesn’t quite fit the dynamic process of unfolding that my community and I experience. We believe image matters but image certainly isn’t everything.

The SpeakStrong Method of Dynamic Communication isn’t about reinventing ourselves. It’s about potentiating what we already have and who we already are. I’ve always seen the world from my own angle, haven’t you?

That’s so much more powerful than reinventing ourselves, don’t you think? It’s dynamic, too.

October 11, 2010How to stop gossip at work. (Including your boss.) Free webinar.

I’ll be repeating my free webinar: Perfect Phrases for Dealing with Gossip and Manipulation in the Workplace on Thursday, October 28, 2010 from 2:00 PM – 3:00 PM (ET) Why? Because it was very popular, and because I want to more specifically address a burning question attendees had. What question was that?

What if the boss gossips?

I’ll provide a whole list of what to say when the boss gossips too.

Here’s a hint. The phrases are based on talking about what you want instead of what you don’t want, and on saying what you mean and meaning what you say without being mean when you say it.

By the way, I’m hoping to create a new video preview, but if you haven’t watched the one I have, you’ll find it at the link below. It will give you some tips on how to stop gossip at work.

http://www.youtube.com/user/speakstrong#p/a/u/0/zny8jQqMNoY

And if you have specific questions about what to say when people gossip at work, email me through mycontacts page.

October 10, 2010What to say when the HOA president is overbearing

Dear Meryl:

Whenever I see, talk to, or even hear about my HOA president, it either makes me mad and/or makes me roll my eyes. While I know that I will never be friends with him, we do live in the same community and I would like interactions to be cordial. I empathize that being an HOA president is not an easy job however, it is a job he sought out 5 yrs ago and continues to hold because no one else wants it. He chooses to do a lot of physical work around the community himself, without asking for help, even though at every meeting people ask how they can help.

The root of my issues with him is that he is pompous and speaks down to anyone when they question his actions/reasons. He gets very defensive, raises his voice, speaks over you, talks, talks, and talks some more. A typical meeting is suppose to be 1 hr, but is usually almost 2 hrs because of his long-winded, metaphoric, off-topic soliloquies. Help! How can his communication be addressed without being mean?

Response:

At first I thought this might be an issue that would better be left alone – that if the price of having someone doing work no one else wants is an extra hour at a meeting, so be it. That you might consider letting him have his martyrdom and focus on people whom you relate well to and address martyrdom when it comes from people who are using it to avoid pitching in rather than those who are trying to leverage actual contribution.

But on second thought, I figure it’s always good practice, and who knows – maybe you can turn it productive.

Truthfully, it sounds like you need a bigger fix. You need a group effort to set standards of communication and agreements of how your meetings will be run. That will include having a meeting facilitator who is NOT the president. The standards would include agreements about what to do when someone interrupts, how to address someone who goes off topic, and other issues that this man brings to light, but not directed toward him. I suggest you lobby for support for the idea outside meetings and then raise it some way like this.

• Our meetings are longer and less productive than scheduled. I propose we adopt some protocols that all agree to that will keep us focused.

You could also say something like,

• I’ve become aware that many of us don’t look forward to our meetings because they drag on too long, and are unproductive. We’ve come up with some suggestions of how to fix that.

This will work best if you and someone else have proposed guidelines/solutions to start with.

If you don’t want to go that route, here are some phrases to use in a more piecemeal way.

• (Name,) I need your help. Meetings are going over. How do you suggest we could make them more efficient?

To address a potential underlying cause of the longwinded nature.

• (Name,) do you think we don’t appreciate what you do? I get that impression from some things you say.  I’d like to begin meetings with a summary of what you do, and keep our discussions short enough that we get out of here on time.

To address talking over you, get others to agree to support this effort.

• (Name,) I wasn’t done yet. Please let me finish.

To address long-windedness, again, get the support of others on this.

• (Name,) please stay on topic.

I definitely would address the putdowns. Something like,

• That sounded like a put-down. Do you mean it that way?

Again, I encourage you to address the larger issue by exploring what kind of communication standards your association can create to make your meetings more productive.

Let me know what you think.

October 7, 2010Poison Phrase: I might have something for you soon

Even the best do it sometimes. When my skilled professional vendor told me,

- I might have something for you soon,

I told him he scored the Poison Phrase of the week for using two vague words in one sentence. “Might” is tentative and “soon” is indefinite. It’s a non-committal remark that says very little.

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