When we learn of the deaths of people we care about—or the deaths of people who people we care about care about... when we discover, as another dear friend did, that someone we love lost limbs in Afghanistan, it can take a while to sift and sort and make peace with everything the experience brings up.

My friend confessed: "I'm still processing it." And I said, "There has to be a better word for it than process. It sounds so mechanical." I knew she would hear my words as honoring what she's going through rather than criticizing her word choice.

There does need to be a better word for how we move through the experience of deep loss. "Grieving" isn't big enough—there is more to moving through loss than grief. "Processing" captures some of what happens, but isn't human enough. 

The perfect word may be out there. Or there may not be a perfect word. As a culture, we're moving from being mechanistic to being more organic. Perhaps the language hasn't caught up yet. 

If you have a better word, I'd love to hear what it is. For lack of a better word, many of us are "processing" quite a bit these days. 

"It was different from any wedding I've ever been to."

That was one of the more common comments people shared after Bob and I married last week. The wedding was uniquely ours. It probably helped that we haven't been to a lot of weddings. We didn't have much experience to tell us what weddings "should" be like. We just knew what we wanted one to be. Delightful. 

The ceremony was my creation with Bob's and Evan's (the minister) collaborative input. Evan sent me a summarized and updated copy of the ceremony, and when we spoke, he noted,

• It would be impossible to offend me.

"That's a PowerPhrase!" I replied. And it was. It gave me permission to be completely honest, which I would have been anyway, but not with the same confidence. He then—jokingly—protested when I told him we wanted to adjust the part of the blessing that said we would never settle for the snotty privilege of always being right. We replaced snotty with easy. 

Being impossible to offend is a gift

Last week I misinterpreted my friend's grief as feeling victimized. She called me to clarify that she didn't feel victimized at all—she just missed her lost love. I appreciated that she clarified without taking umbrage at what might have been an implied diminishment of her purity of heart. Instead of regretting my error due to hurt feelings, I was happy that I had communicated what I saw, because it allowed her to share the depth of her heart. 

Being impossible to offend is not the same as taking crap or betraying your expertise. It's essential for true collaboration that people be able to call it as they see it. They might be missing something, but that doesn't matter. By speaking honestly and inviting honest responses, conversations become dynamic, real and transformative.

Umbage-free zones

You might not be planning a wedding, but even if you're just planning a lunch with a friend, create an umbrage-free zone. Being impossible to offend will help the collaborative planning process.

So try it next time you submit anything for review. Let them know,

• It would be impossible to offend me.

You might be surprised at how much smarter both or all of you are than any one of you, in umbrage-free zones.

She had to put her dog down, and it tore her up inside. "I feel like a murderer!" she said. He replied,

• That's what make you human. Something would be wrong if you didn't.  

Something was very right with the way he shared his compassion. 

I thought he said it well, when Mike prefaced a conversation by explaining:

• I'll share my thoughts so they can cross-pollinate with yours.

Another friend refers to ideas copulating - Mike's term is less distracting and every bit as clear.

It helps to know what someone hopes you'll do with what they say. In Mike's case, he was speaking with the intention of inspiring new ideas that belong to us both. And that's what happened.

I enjoy shopping and have too much stuff. So when I am tempted to shop more, I ask myself,

• Have you shopped your own closet?

It's a wonderful reminder to tap into my existing resources.

If I were a decorator, I'd be a RE-decorator. I'd be one of those people who help others repurpose what they already have to create beauty in their homes. Of course, I'd miss out on those wonderful commissions on new furniture and decor items, but the satisfaction would be great. I feel it when I transform my own home without spending a dime.

Shopping your own closet can be a metaphor for any approach to using existing resources. I asked Angela to help me get started on a proposal. She shopped my closet - things I wrote before - and reminded me of what I already have.

Here's another kind of personal closet shopping. My eye doctor told me I had dry eyes, so I shopped my own closet of ways to address dryness - not just in my eyes, but system-wide. Not only are my eyes moist again, but my moods, which had been volatile, are steady and sweet, too. I had everything I needed to find balance.

Before you go out, go in and see what resources you have. Ask yourself:

• Have you shopped your own closet?

Of course, it helps if your closet is in order. Some of us are too busy shopping the stores to take the time to organize our own closets (metaphorical and otherwise) to be shopable.  

We've been working together for many years, but that doesn't mean we never collide. It does mean that the collisions are much less frustrating, inflaming and painful than they used to be. In fact, they usually lead to a stronger partnership.

Today he declined a meeting time request for an important project and suggested an alternative that was too far out to be practical. My reaction was to want to blast him about the need to make our project a higher priority. My response was to suggest an alternative date that was closer in. He agreed.

After this exchange, our interaction felt clunky. So I got to the heart of my issue and said,

• We've been working as a team with increasing effectiveness, and the fact that we could take on a project like this and have it be so smooth is a testament to our teamwork. Right now, in this project I need you more on board. I respect your time demands and also I need to know you're willing to commit the time to make this project ours.

He confessed that as soon as he recommended the later date, he knew it came across as dismissive. 

There was a time when this kind of bump in the road would have been drawn out and hurtful. What's different now? The accusations and defenses are all but gone. We're both committed to the effectiveness of the partnership and to bringing out the best in each other.

I trust there will be a day when almost all the bumps will be readily absorbed by our partnership shock absorbers. I say almost, not all. If we never feel any bumps, we'll know we're relating on familiar ground and not stretching. So while I like a smooth ride, I respect the inevitable bumps that come with any dynamic relationship. And so do the people I have successful partnerships and associations with.

"Joe" was eager to tell me all the details of a recent luncheon fiasco. It took a long time before they started serving food, the chairs were hard and the lines were long.

I didn't have to imagine why that was so tedious. I attended a wedding reception last week where the bride and groom arrived an hour after the guests, and then they invited people to get thier food by table numbers. We were table 22 out of 22 tables. We were right by the serving lines, and yet it took another hour before we could serve ourselves. So I told Joe about my experience.

"Yes, but you're much younger than I am, so it's not so difficult," Joe replied.

Wait - is this a competition? I don't know if Joe thought I was trying to steal his thunder, or if he intended to come across competitively, but his words did plant competitive seeds.

I replied,

• I'm saying that I feel your pain because you're describing a situation similar to one I've had recently.

Joe was satisfied with that. 

Have you ever found yourself in an argument and wondered how or why it happened? I sure have. Related experiences like we had can be the source of bonding - or the source of dueling. I know which choice I prefer. You?

My dance group closes with single word summaries of our individual experiences. It's a lovely way to end. A single word summary generally comes from the heart and experience, rather than the mind, and thinking. You can tell someone didn't get deeply into the dance if they intellectualize the simple sharing, use several words, and express ideas and thoughts instead of an experience. That doesn't happen often.

This week I created the playlist for my dance group. The single words people shared after our dance were closely aligned to the experience I had intended to elicit. Hearing their words deepened my own experience and appreciation.

My work involves coaxing people out of their minds to get to the heart of their message. People often think they don't know what to say because their minds hijacked their perceptions. In a way, I trick people into expressing authentically by setting up situations that get their minds out of the way. A single word summary is a great tool for that. It can coax us out of our minds.

So try it. If someone is having trouble describing something, ask them,

• If you had to sum it up in a single word, what would it be?

Be prepared to be surprised by what you hear. And be prepared for them to be surprised by what comes out of their mouths. It's a powerful tool. When I coax people out of their minds, I'm usually in awe of what they have to say. And so are they. 

If you do this before you open your mouth, it can save you a world of grief.

Make sure you're looking at things from the high side.

The high side is the unobstructed view without the burden of your ego, agenda or a need to prove anything. The high side is loyal to the truth, the team and genuine understanding with no need to score points.

Okay, here's a news flash for you. I don't naturally live on the high side all the time. I have an ego that can be sticky at times. Most of the time I know when my ego wants to do the talking. When that happens, I don't fight with my ego, but I don't lead with it either. I do things to elevate my perceptions and get me seeing the high side of life. THEN I have the conversation.

It's tough to get enough serotonin (feel-good neurotransmitters) to stay up in the winter. Doing things to improve health and well-being is particularly important in months like February when we're all pulled below the cloud cover at times. Exercise, fresh air, reading things that inspire you, reflection, all can help you see that the sun is still shining, even when you don't see it. And it's a good idea to bank a little extra, like take a hike before your attitude signals that you need it. 

You can't solve a problem at the same level it was created. You need to bump your perception up a notch. So take care of you, and then open your mouth. In fact, I think I'll take a bit of my own medicine right now and take care of me.

One big creativity buster is having to get things "right" the first time. Last month, my assistant Angela and I created a new target structure for our work together. We created it as an experiment rather than a do-or-die goal. Then life happened. Our target vs. actual were so different that an outside observer to what actually happened wouldn't have a clue what we were striving toward.

When it came time to debrief our attempts, it wasn't about blame. We compared target vs. actual and acknowledged how different they were. But we work from a philosophy that we affirm this way:

• We don't fail, we learn.

In this case, we discovered that our target had been overly ambitious. Both of us felt strain trying to be available to the other within the new structure. It was a flawed system, with two people in it trying, but unable, to fit our activities into the system. Sound familiar?

I speak only for myself here. In the course of the trial, I found myself tempted to blame Angela for the fact that we were so far off target. I felt irritation from straining to meet the target, and really had to watch myself to keep from projecting that as some flaw of hers. I know better, but was tempted anyway. I can say this: Angela acknowledged that striving to meet the structure we had set had been a strain for her as well.

The really cool thing is, we didn't fail, we learned. We replaced our old structure with a more realistic one, and the very first day we tried it, we both felt at home with it. Every management trainer will tell you SMART goals are realistic, and setting unattainable goals is a set-up for failure. Unrealistic goals demoralize staff.

Well, you don't always know what's realistic until you try, and that's why being kata-based - or practice based - and running experiments to see what targets are stretches and what targets are strains - is a very useful thing. As long as you remember: When you earnestly strive toward a stretch goal, you don't fail as long as you learn. 

Will we stick exactly to the times and agreements we structured? Probably not. Even though we're currently in a place that seems good so far, with each step we learn more. That means we will continue to refine and adjust, but one thing you can count on, we won't fail.

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