Today is Mother's Day, my friend Barbara's birthday, and the 26th anniversary of my first husband's passing. If you know my history, you know that Mike's death was a catalyst for my finding my voice and for my SpeakStrong message.  Death will do that. It's the ultimate crap detector. It became glaringly obvious how much of that I had. 

So you'll understand why, this week, when my dear friend's father was killed instantly when hit by a car, my prayer for my friend was for the freedom and support to go through her loss as it unfolds for her.

It will make sense to you that when, two days later, I learned our family friend Carl lost his 20 year battle with cancer, I was grateful that I had gone out of my way to let him know how much I respected his courage and grace in his struggle.

And you'll appreciate why, when I learned at my dance group yesterday that one of the organizers had taken his own life, I was so glad to be somewhere where there was freedom to respond honestly. There was no need to pretend. There was room for anger, sorrow, gratitude and indifference... everything. There was room for authentic communication.

We danced our shock, or sorrow, our anger, our gratitude, our pain and our awe. We came together as a community as we each were. Death will do that, too. 

Steve Jobs was a master at it. Little London Bakery does it. I did it yesterday. It's essential for effective communication skills.

What am I referring to?

Giving an experience. 

Jobs' presentations were events. Powerful, emotional and tangible events.

Cake tasting at Little London was a happening. A delicious, compelling happening.

How do you like the picture of the peacock cupcake? It conveys an experience, don't you think?

And yesterday I had my assistant up to immerse her in the color and design and festive feel of an event she is helping me plan. I had told her how plans had evolved, but she needed an experience. I created one for her.

Stories create an experience. Sharing your own experience from the heart creates an experience. Sounds, pictures, taste, touch and smell create experiences. Involvement deepens experience. The right words can invite involvement and promote experience.

One event planner I'm working with created an experience by walking through the site with me, displaying some sample decorative pieces. It made her ideas more tangible. 

She has yet to give an experience of the menu. It's a bunch of names of foods without pictures or descriptions. She missed an opportunity there, but the converstion isn't over yet. 

Sometimes Speaking Strong is about giving experiences. Other times, it's asking for them. I did. I asked for specifics. I'm sure she won't disappoint. 

Our work with the contractor went as contracting work often does. Every small project uncovered a larger need and estimates of an hour took days. We had just hit a wall of frustration from discovering that the sky light installation wasn't as simple a matter as we had been told, when our neighbor shouted out,

• Your house is looking beautiful!

We thought so, too, but it sure helped to hear someone else say so.

You never know when a kind word is just exactly what someone needs to hear. 

There's something really nice about receiving an email from a new work affiliate that starts with, 

• Goodie for you! Another person to work with!

That's how Jennifer at IAAP opened her email to me explaining what I need to know to tell people how they can get credit toward recertification for training that I offer. I felt like my inquiry was more than welcome.

If her response had been fluff, I wouldn't have appreciated the tone as much. However, the response was thorough and clear. 

In my research for my book on Virtual Team communication, I read about how "The 100 best companies to work for in America" all share an celebratory feel in normal communication.

Is that cool, or what! We don't have to leave our playful selves at home. 

That is worthy of celebration! Maybe I'll celebrate by sending Jennifer a quick email! Goodie for me!

A several hour break in the rain and cloud cover graced our graveside memorial for my late husband's 25th anniversary of passing. The meeting was an expression of gratitude for the gift of the years we all knew him. We shared memories and perceptions and fondness. I read stories from those who couldn't be there. Many were tales I had never heard. Some were of adventures that were really misadventures, but journeys that left us all full of love for the man who had touched us all so many years ago.

I couldn't let the 25th anniversary of Mike Runion come and go without marking it somehow. It was short and oh so sweet for us all. The clouds cleared for our gathering - in many ways symbolic of how many clouds had cleared in the 25 years since we gathered at that site before.

No regrets. Just gratitude. Not much to say, really. What to say at a 25 memorial of passing?

• Thanks.

What a blessing. This is David Runion, my son, with me after the gathering. 

What kinds of journeys are you on?

A lean journey? People in lean manufacturing and management refer to their "lean journeys". That expression is very telling. The first word you get when you look up the term journey in the thesaurus is adventure. You'll also find words like exploration and quest and pilgrimage. A journey is about more than getting somewhere. The term indicates that the process of getting somewhere is full of surprises and experiences and awakenings. How you get there is as important as arriving. 

A Speak STRONG journey? The path unfolds with each step. It's full of surprises, experiences and awakenings. Each step informs the next. You take the first step - speak in a new way - and see what happens. It might be exactly what you hoped for. It might not. You could be very surprised by what happens - which means you learn a lot. Your second step - new communication - is based on what you learn from the first.

A journey isn't a simple wandering. There is a quest - a search - an exploration. And on this quest, you're likely to go down some rabbit holes and side trails. You'll need to find your way back from them. And find your way again.

Lean and Speaking STRONG are journeys. What kind of journeys are you on?

My first husband, Mike Runion, passed away 25 years ago May 13th. My son and I are headed to Nashville for a graveside memorial. I've been collecting words of remembrance from people who knew Mike. It's deeply heartening to receive the sweet memories. We'll share them graveside at the celebration of Mike's life. 

Celebration of Mike's life. When it became clear to me that that's what I wanted this event to be, things started to fall into place. That's the power of a vision. Have any of you been part of an event like this one? How would you honor someone's life 25 years later?

I'm working on a table of contents for an ice-breaking book for McGraw Hill. At first I wan't inspired by the topic, but I found my inspiration when talking with wise friends about what makes an ice-breaker matter. They used words like purposeful, and forward moving. Suddenly it all clicked in. I was a bit turned off by the plethora of meeting openers and activities that have little or nothing to do with the meeting at hand. You know, talking about your favorite pet as a child. But once we started talking about the deeper purpose of our proposed phrases, I felt inspired. 

None of us likes the word ice-breaker very much. For one thing, it focuses on getting rid of what we don't want - ice - instead of what we do want - warmth and trust. And we want warmth and trust so we can get in alignment with each other. But alignment is only another step. Alignment is far better than working at cross-purposes, but it's not as dynamic as synergy. Synergy taps into everyone's creativity in ways that allow for forward movement.

So we go from ice-breaking to warmth and trust to alignment to synergy. I'd love to title the book Perfect Phrases to Melt the Ice to Create Alignment that Evolves into Synergy, but I know it won't fly.

I'm sure once I've had more time to synergize with my buddies, the perfect title will come. I love the creative process, even if I often wish it would move more quickly than it does. 

A colleague of mine made a request of the speakers in the room. She asked,

• Can we drop the term touchy-feely? It denigrates the heart. 

I agree. And...

There are some who use the term touchy-feely to diminish any expression of tenderness. I call these the "touchy-feely phobic". Any sign of caring is suspect. But there are some legitimate objections to inappropriate emotionalizing. I think of my Gen Y's in my army training, who wanted their boomer managers to just let them do their work - and the boomer managers who reacted emotionally to that request. They just wanted to do their work. 

I think of my friend who responded to my request that she follow through on her promises, she told me that she cares about my heart and was sorry she had done something to hurt it. I just wanted to know what I could count on. 

And I think of some of the icebreakers and activities in training manuals that have no connection to outcomes.

I'm the first to defend relationship building, connecting emotionally and valuing people - effectively. In this video, Lanteck President Jim Lancaster talks about how they don't have much "couch time". He says they fix things and help people be successful because that's what motivates them. 

I listened in while on hold with the president of a manufacturing company. He was speaking with some of his managers about an efficiency issue. "It's stupid to be looking for carts," he said. "It's a waste. Get with your team and see how to apply lean here."

His words didn't just address the issue - they affirmed the company commitment to the lean management approach. Strong leaders tie day-to-day activities into the bigger picture. What we say each day either reenforces or undermines the bigger direction. Big declarations start the process, but the real power comes in day-to-day conversations. 

You may not run a manufacturing company - but, do your daily words reflect what you say you stand for?