Effective Communication Skill Blog

True to What You Do

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Created: Friday, 15 August 2014 16:14

Tony put down the sheet of paper he was holding and leaned in toward his client. He said:

• I don't know why you come to me. You know I treat the root cause of illness, and that means you probably will feel worse before you feel better while I take you through the die-off process. Yet, every time you start to feel bad you do something that stops the process. You say you want to learn from me, but you seem too intent on proving how much you know to listen. You don't ask questions, you argue. You finish my sentences for me, and most of the time, your completion isn't where I was going with my point. Yet, you tell me I'm helping you and you want to work with me. It seems to me that what you really want is a practitioner who will relieve all your symptoms and let you get on with your life without dealing with the root cause. It's like the restaurant owners who get on Kitchen Nightmares because their businesses are failing, but try to teach Chef Ramsey how to run a restaurant.

Let that settle in for a minute.

There is a Japanese tale that illustrates the frustration of trying to work with someone who isn't open to receive. It goes like this:

"The Japanese master Nan-in gave audience to a professor of philosophy. Serving tea, Nan-in filled his visitor's cup, and kept pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could restrain himself no longer: 'Stop! The cup is over full, no more will go in.'
Nan-in said: 'Like this cup, you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup.'"

Sometimes when Tony confronts clients like this, it results in a conversation that gets them on the same page. Other times the client talks like he or she is ready to get on board and changes just enough to stay a client, much like the employee who only does good work before the performance review. There are times when the client argues that they really are on board and Tony needs to pull the plug unilaterally.

Then there are times when Tony and his clients jointly decide they aren't a match. They dissolve the working relationship.

Do you have anyone in your world who says they want what you do? Someone who says they agree to your terms, but in practice they are redefining the relationship on their own terms?

Maybe it's time to have a conversation like Tony does. For Tony, it's the difference between loving his work and hating it. What difference might it make for you?

Only Human

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Created: Thursday, 14 August 2014 14:03

Rose was in the middle of watching the second season of The Good Wife. Now, resting on her bed, something struck her. The hero of the show, Alicia Florrick, was going through heart-wrenching devastation, but they never showed her cry. She was admirable, strong, succinct, tough - but she never collapsed into an emotional release. 

Rose remembered a movie she had seen years before where the hero, a television anchor, collapsed on her bed and cried every time she found herself alone. Then she pulled herself back together and focused.

Rose could keep it together if she needed to. But now she let down. She had felt blocked and lethargic. Now she sensed emotion and invited it to talk to her. It spoke, not in words, but in wails. She let it fly.

Her husband Tony heard her and came in to rub Rose's feet as her emotions erupted. When did he stop feeling threatened by the power of her releases? Rose adored him for that. 

The tide turned, the storm subsided and Rose felt whole. She turned on Pandora radio: Christine Perri's song Human came on. Unlike Alicia, but like Christine, Rose could be a good machine, but let herself be human.

These are the lyrics. 

Human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

And the video: (Al - no vampires on this one.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X43XF8247E 

Maybe, by the time Rose got to season five of The Good Wife, Alicia would break down and have a good cry. If so, would Peter (or Will) be able to rub her feet and be there with her when she did? In the meantime, Rose would live her humanity now. 

You're invited to this party. Speaking Strong and authenticity isn't just about being tough all the time. It's also about honoring your right to be human. Rose's emotional alchemy moved by it's own path, not a linear one, but this is a good tool should you want one. Emotional Alchemy Through the "Love Letter"

Yes, But Does He Whistle?

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Created: Friday, 01 August 2014 12:41

When I like what a teacher teaches, I yearn to see how the teacher walks. I learn more from experiencing how someone lives than from hearing them talk about life principles. Some people talk a great, line but don't walk the talk.

That's why many of my best teachers aren't officially teachers at all. Like Fred, our mail carrier. As he drives from mailbox to mailbox, I hear him whistle.

No intense driving rock and roll blasting from his radio. Just a whistle.

When people recommend teachers to me, I want to know - does he (she) whistle? 

Addicted to Teaching

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Created: Thursday, 31 July 2014 17:03

"You should teach what you're learning with your sabbatical to others," my friend told me.

My friend is a respected leader. She teaches all the time. It's a habit for her. I replied: 

• I might end up doing that, but for now, I'm doing this for me. I am very careful about keeping the process pure. If I make it what I'm doing for others, it could taint the discovery process for me. I need to see my own world through my own eyes and drop my habit of turning everything into a teaching point.

It's tough for me to explain how transformational backing away from the teacherly role has been. And how seductive the desire to teach can be.

It's tough for me to not get caught in wanting to teach my friend what a difference it makes to break the habit of always being the teacher. 

I shared my observations and sat back and let her teach me. I'm learning a lot these days.

Silence Can Say More Than a Thousand

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Created: Thursday, 24 July 2014 16:21

A reader sent me this graphic:

I love it.

I have a new friend like that. When we hike, sometimes we speak and sometimes we are silent. But we are always communicating. 

These friends are a blessing.

People who require explanations are a blessing, too. They force us to get clear. They force us to be specific. There are times when I think my copy editor might understand me too well, because she knows what I mean without a lot of explanation. I can jump from A to D and she's right there with me. At times, that keeps us from recognizing that some of my readers need me to take them from A to B to C to D. It can be frustrating when I think my point is crystal clear and my reader doesn't get it - but it is clarifying, too. 

My husband is a linear thinker and asks to be walked through many of my Quantum Leaps. That's changing, though. He's making leaps of his own. I'm loving that, but will need to keep plenty of linear thinkers in my orbit for... not a reality check... but a linear reality check. 

The last Chapter in my PowerPhrases book says, "The purpose of words is to create silence."

The easy silence of everything that needed to be said having been said. The easy silence of communication without words. 

I just glanced at my answering machine and saw my new friend left a message. She just called to say, "Thank you for sharing your big heart." No other purpose. She was specific about what I had done that touched her. Her specifics augment her appreciation. Her few words augment our sweet silence. She and the reader who sent the graphic altered the trajectory of my day. 

I Have No Idea What I Mean - Do You?

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Created: Tuesday, 22 July 2014 16:18

"Email Kris about accounting."

What the heck does that mean? 

I'm referring to a memo from me to me on my digital recorder. Kris is my sister, and we have no accounting questions. 

Oh, wait. I have another Kris in my life. She does a thing called Stretch Therapy and I had asked her to send me an accounting of how many sessions we have had and how many remain. That was a week ago, and she hasn't sent it, so I want to remind her. THAT'S what my memo is talking about. 

Okay, if I have to struggle to figure out my OWN messages, what is it like for others to get a clue what the heck I'm referring to? 

It's good practice for me to leave memos to myself that I don't have to decipher. It's a start, anyway. Obviously, it's a bigger challenge for someone else who never knew what I intended when I left the memo. 

As an aside, soften your focus and look at the image on the left. Doesn't it look like a face - kind of a perplexed emoticon? The message at the top is the brain, the buttons below are eyes, the circle is a nose and the bottom buttons make a mouth. 

Did I explain that image clearly? Do you see it?

Now I'd better email Kris about accounting - or re-record my memo to self with more details.